Christian Marriage & Family | Lecture 11 : BC202-CM&F-20260916

Okay, [clears throat] recording is on. Um, welcome back everyone to our second lecture on marriage and family. So, there's a question uh on the chat. If Adam and Eve had never sinned, what would marriage have looked like in a perfect world and which struggles in modern marriage exist because of the fault rather than God's original design? Yeah. So that's something for us to imagine if Adam and Eve had never sinned. I mean everything would have been perfect. Um you know just had to imagine that [laughter] be no problem. Uh no confusion, good understanding. uh peace uh joy um yeah there's uh it's hard to imagine that in our minds but we have to try our best what a perfect world would look would have looked like uh how these homes families would have been everything uh just people really understanding each other harmony and uh joy and laughter and you know just full of goodness. Yeah, it's uh we'll have to imagine that. Um and that would be God's original design. Marriage as God originally designed it, right? Okay. Any other questions so far? We're just starting chapter five on temperament, attitude, behavior. >> Yeah. >> So the question is um um will we get a glimpse of this in the millennium? I think to some extent because in the millennium in the thousand-y year reign of Jesus we know that the the nature of things will be changed but yet it's not going to be an absolute perfect world. Uh the nature of things will change. The Bible talks about you know the lion lying down with the lamb, the child playing with the cobras. uh uh whatever thing. So the nature of things will be changed but there will still be natural people who came through the tribulation you know and they still will need to be taught the ways of God. Uh and as we see towards the end of the millennium, there will be some people who still get deceived by Satan when he's released. So I think my my response to that question will be it'll be much better than the way it is now. Uh because Satan and his demons are taken out of the earth. They are put in the bottomless pit. They are locked for a thousand years. So he's not there to cause trouble. So it'll be so much better. But yet it won't be uh same as when there are new heavens and the new earth. That'll be absolute perfection. That is revelation 21:22. You know, that'll be absolute. But this is closer to that. So it'll be much better than uh and Isaiah 65 says, you know, we'll still build houses, plant vineyards. So uh that's giving us a picture of uh good good things happening during the millennium. Okay. Any other questions? All right. We'll go forward. Let's go back to chapter five where we stop. Right. So uh attitudes it has it's both personal and interpersonal right. So look at your own self uh any attitudes you will have to change and also try to understand the attitude of your spouse right hey what how do they think so you be patient towards their way of thinking and approach and it's not like everything is wrong you know it's just that we are different people are different that's all our goal bottom of page 52 our goal as believers Yes, >> even in marriage is to have a Christlike attitude. So that should be a goal, right? So two people, husband, wife, they are very different in their attitude and their temperament. The goal is both must become Christlike, grow to becoming Christlike in our attitude. That's our standard, right? But usually what happens, you know, wife will say, "This was the way I'm brought up. I was born like this, I'll be like this." Husband will say I grew up like this, I'll be like this. No, no, don't say that. We know we are all different. Uh we grow up in different environments, etc. But we can all change to become Christlike. That's the goal, right? We can all change to become Christlike. And that's what we're supposed that is what's supposed to be happening, right? So even in marriage, uh we should say like, okay, let's become like Jesus even in uh marriage, right? And uh we we know these scriptures. Philippians 2 uh 3-8. Uh can somebody read that? Where's the mic? All the way there. Yeah. Philippians 2:es 3 to 8. Philippians chapter 2:es 3-8. Do not be anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boost but he but be humble towards one another always considering others better than yourselves and look out for one another's interest not just for your own. The attitude you should have is the one that Christ Jesus had. He always had the nature of God but he did not think that by force he should try to remain equal with God. Instead of this of his own free will he gave up all he had and took the nature of a servant. He became a uh he became like a human being and appeared in human likeness. He was humble and walked the path of obedience and all way to death his death on the cross. Amen. So think about applying these verses in marriage right think about applying these verses uh not doing anything from selfish ambition or being boastful but being humble like even in the marriage relationship husband wife being humble towards each other u and it's telling us you know take on the attitude that Jesus had Right? So think about this both husband wife taking on this attitude in their marriage. Right? And in the home taking on this attitude. What was the attitude? Jesus said though he was God he humbled himself and he became a servant. So even in the marriage husband wife you know they could have great accomplish accomplishments all of that doesn't matter what you humble yourselves and become servants to each other submitting serving uh each other you know so applying this attitude to our own lives in the context of marriages is so important right uh and there a lot of other attitudes that we can see for example Ephesians 5:20 It's telling us to have an attitude of thankfulness, right? Giving always give thanks. Having an attitude of gratitude in every situation. Always give thanks. So being thankful rather than complaining. Ah it's so hot today. Thankful God. Thank you. We have nice sun. So you can complain this way or that way. Right? Ah nice sun. And I can go outside enjoy or you can complain oh so hot whatever but give thanks for everything right uh being joyful prayerful thankful in all circumstance first Thessalonians 5 so these are attitudes that we can develop we can take on and this is what the scriptures are telling us right be joyful prayerful thankful so how about taking on that attitude it. You know, uh, you go to restaurant, you order food, you think it'll come in 5 minutes, he's taking half an hour, you're getting hungry, you're getting angry. When is this food going to come? Oh, but be thankful. At least food is going to come. Be prayerful, be joyful, right? So, keep your joy. Um, Philippians 2, uh, do everything without complaining or arguing. Do everything without complaining or arguing. So sometimes, you know, you have to do a little bit more extra work. You have to do something more. Do everything without complaining or arguing. That's an attitude. That's something we need to take on as believer. So all these scriptures that we read say okay how can I do that how can I practice that and we're talking about marriage so how can you practice that in the context of marriage right do everything without complaining or arguing so ask the Holy Spirit lord help me do this you know without complaining without arguing so that you may be innocent and pure as God's children again in Philippians 4 he talks about same similar things right being joyful being gentle verse 5 Philippians 4:5 show a gentle attitude being gentle not forceful harsh doineering be gentle verse 6 not being anxious or worried about things yeah you know all kinds of things will happen in life but pray about it right I take it to God in prayer rather than being worried and anxious is uh at disturbing your peace, you pray and let God's peace fill our hearts and minds. Uh James 1:24, he says, "Look, when you when there are various difficulties, various trials, come to joy. Have joy in the midst of those challenges." Right? Again, these are attitudes that we can take on. They they're instructed for us in scripture, right? uh page 54 James 5:9 do not complain against one another right so we can see each other all of us have faults all of us have shortcomings uh but don't just focus on complaining have a good healthy attitude uh if you're hurting pray if you feel great sing James 5:13 right so when you're going through difficulties pray feeling all good sing worship God praise God 1 Peter 2:21-23 follow Christ's example when he was insulted he did not answer back with an insult says this right that's example follow Jesus uh follow that example so uh we've listed all these scriptures which are general But we're saying okay let's apply this and practice this in the context of marriage practice that right so this is this is what should shape our temperament attitude behavior in marriage this is Christlike attitude in marriage okay so we should try to grow into it none of us start out perfect uh we need to grow into it so you know if you take all that we have um seen in these verses and put them all in a table, you'll come up with something like this that is shown there on the table there in page uh 54. Uh you'll see the table there. And so these are things we should try and practice. But what would be the opposite of it? We can call them negative attitudes. So the opposite of it would be a list like at the bottom of page 54. you know anger, arrogance and all all those negative attitudes. So if we recognize these negative attitudes try to ask God to change that and say Lord let me have a Christlike attitude. So we go from having negative attitudes to having Christlike attitudes and we are talking about this in the context of marriage and we'll talk about like how do we how do we make that transition now uh our attitudes this is on page 55 it affects our expectation our experience and also our exit that is how we turn leave a situation. So think about this. Our expectation when you are in a situation, what are you expecting? Your attitude affects that. Your experience, how you perceive and go through a situation. Two people can go through the same situation, but they experience it differently. If somebody's going through a a tough situation joyfully, it's very likely they will take on good things. They say, "Hey, this situation is making me a better person." Somebody going through a tough situation with a very thing. They say, "Oh, it's so hard, so difficult. God, why are you doing this to me?" kind of thing. They oh, I'm so broken and whatever. You're going through the same situation. But your attitude is going to determine your experience in this situation. You have a joyful attitude, you will say, "It's making me stronger. It's building my faith and I'm going to come out a better person." Or if you have a negative attitude, you feel like everything is going wrong and so on so forth. the experience that you have and exit means how you come out of that situation right you come out a better person or you come out as a bitter person so I don't like life and I don't like god or whatever you know so how you come through and how you come out of that situation is determined by your attitude you with me so far yeah So um it's important to have a Christlike attitude and our temperament bottom of page 55 should be a spirit controlled that means the Holy Spirit should influence our temperament. So uh uh when you talk about temperament like we said earlier generally speaking people say okay someone is an introvert someone is an extrovert. Uh there is also uh these personality types um and you find that in the bottom of page 55. Uh you know not everybody and this is again not Bible. This is just what over time people have u developed and not everybody will necessarily accept this but broadly speaking people talk about four personality types you know sanguin is somebody who's very very friendly is somebody who's very quick to you know very impulsive very uh gets angry easily or very impulsive reacts very quickly. Melancholic is somebody who's very you know um uh they are very how do I describe this like deep in their own thought uh a very reflecting reflective type melancholic uh so sanguin collaric melancholic and flegmatic I think uh where do I put that um um would be I forget how to describe this flaggmatic but anyway um um yeah I forget how to describe that uh so they're just talking about different personality types that how people uh the temperaments that they carry in life and in situations. Uh these are again this is a theory or this is based on what people have seen and so on. Um and trying to understand personality and in in real life we are kind of a blend of these you know like uh we can't say I'm only calleric. No uh uh you have a pre- a dominant personality. Somebody's very friendly. Somebody's very reflective, melancholic. Uh, somebody is very caleric, very, you know, driven, very forceful. Uh, somebody is very flegmatic. Flegmatic you think about as somebody's very laidback, very casual. Arms, you know, you say flegmatic, right? They just like that, you know, just take it easy. Don't worry, no stress, you know, nothing shakes up. So you have these different and we are generally a mix of these, right? Something is more dominant. That's personality. [snorts] That's from a psychology perspective. But from a believer's perspective, all of us must have a spirit controlled temperament. A spirit controlled temperament. That means we want the Holy Spirit to control our temperament. You understanding? So example a person could be very colleric meaning very driven get it done now pushing everybody come on let's do it very very you know aggressive I think so how will that person change when he's controlled by the Holy Spirit he will become gentle right because gentleness is a fruit of the spirit right uh He'll become more peaceful because peace is a fruit of the spirit. Love, joy, peace. So instead of being always like a volcano erupting, he'll be more peaceful. You understand right? Uh so our goal is holy spirit you shape you mold my temperament who I am as a person. So, you know, if if we were to kind of define a spirit controlled temperament, it'll be based on Galatians 5:22 23. The spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control. So, that is a that is what we want to show in our temperament, right? uh that is the kind of p people we need to be. So we go from being who we were naturally to being people who are controlled governed by the Holy Spirit and who will show forth those fruit of the spirit and think about this in the context of marriage right so if a person example the husband was very colleric easily get angry easily he's like you know very very aggressive whatever. But as he submits to the Holy Spirit, he's going to in the marriage, he's going to show more love, uh, peace, patience, kindness, he's going to show that because the Holy Spirit is going to work on him and change him to be like this. I understand, right? So, we have to ask for the Holy Spirit to work on us. Holy Spirit, change me. right? Uh produce these things in me. Right? So we've talked about Christlike attitude, spirit controlled temperament. That is what we should have in marriage. Of course, all believers in all of life must have this Christlike attitude, spirit control, temperament. But we especially talking about in the context of marriage because it applies there right. The third aspect is how must what behavior must we have? We must have a word governed behavior even in marriage our behavior must be governed by the word of God. So how we conduct ourel behavior means how we conduct ourselves. It must be governed by the word. So even in marriage say okay is my behavior reflecting uh the word of god am I practicing the word in my behavior in my marriage that's the question word governed behavior right so we know you know uh Jesus just John 14:15 Jesus said if you love me obey my commandments practice what I've said practice my word you know and And all scripture 2 Timothy 3:16-17 all scripture is useful for giving instruction for right living. That means how do you live right? We follow the scripture. That's what teaches us how to live right. So what would our behavior look like when you say a word governed behavior? And I just given some scriptures here. Colossians 3:12-15 be show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, be tolerant, forgive if you have any complaints, uh and um you know uh let the peace of God guide your decisions. So we have to practice these things in marriage. You know, sometimes if you sit with a couple, oh, they'll bring up things that happened 10 years ago, 15 years ago, maybe on the wedding night. Oh, like come on, you have to forgive, right? What does forgiveness mean? If you keep repeating things from the past, that's not forgiveness, right? Forgive. So we have to practice forgiveness even in the marriage things everybody will do make mistakes everybody will do wrong things but we have to forgive right so practice these things have a word governed behavior right uh being gentle being kind in uh uh the marriage uh same thing 1 Peter 3 7-11 husbands live with your wives with proper understanding. Uh treat each other with respect. Um have the same attitude, love, be kind, be humble. What's verse eight? Verse 9. Do not pay back evil with evil or cursing with cursing, but release a blessing. Right? And this is how we're going to enjoy life and see good times. Right? So Bible is giving us instruction of practice that inside of marriage right. So three things Christlike attitude spirit control temperament word governed behavior right three things for us as believers in marriage. Now, here's the thing. When two people come into marriage, most often they bring what they have seen either in their own families growing up. They bring that into the marriage. Well, that's what they've seen. Or maybe something else. uh the environment where they grow up or maybe they lot watch a lot watched lot of movies so they bring those ideas in but what I want to say is all of us leave those ideas and follow the word of that's it doesn't matter what your upbringing was doesn't matter what we have to follow is we have to follow the word, Christlike attitude, spirit controlled temperament, uh word govern, that's what we have to right example, if somebody grew up in a very strict home, okay? Um and these are all real real scenarios where parents are very strict. uh they would bring that same thing generally I'm speaking right if they haven't already had a transformation of their mind they would generally bring that same thing into the marriage I'm going to very strict everything must be in order you know almost like military style bring that into the m because that's how they grew up they bring that same thing in and then they it it whereas their spouse may have grown up in a very let's say relaxed home right everything is very relaxed you get up or do as you like so both have grown up in different kinds of environments upbringing they come into marriage with that attitude with that perspective They try to so why just example wife will tell the husband why are you so strict why everything you know you have to do it can't just relax husband will tell the wife no get up come on you know it has to be cuz they're coming with different upbringings. So what what are you going to do? What's the solution? Three things he said spirit controlled and word govern that's it right that's what that's what they have to follow okay you grow up like this I grew up like that fine but how must we live we have a common standard our attitude must be crushed like we must both be controlled by the same holy spirit and we must follow both follow the same word doesn't matter what your upbringing was now you want to establish a Christian home a godly home we have to follow the word of god walk in peace gentleness kindness patience that's what the bible is calling us to do so both have to align themselves to the word of God. You understand? And that's where we ask for personal transformation. Say, God, change me. Change me. Uh so that in the marriage I can truly have Christlike attitude, spirit control temperament, word governed behavior. I change me in this marriage. Right. So if example uh sometimes the models that we have seen wherever it generally it's at home but it could be even outside the home uh they influence us a lot. So if I'm just giving this an example where if the wife has a model in her mind that means maybe it could be her mother or it could be some other very prominent figure you know a celebrity or someone who has been saying and oh wife must not allow her husband to control her. her wife must speak up and um uh express her ideas and let the husband know that she also has opinion. You know sometimes this kind of thought is there. So the wife if this if the wife has this kind of a mindset this attitude come into marriage then by default she's thinking if my husband says one thing I have to say two things right why because that's kind of what she has maybe from her mother or maybe from you know whatever you people have different models in their mind maybe some celebrity what some books they've read or whatever. Oh, so so now she's automatically speaking up to everything husband says but that can cause problems. So what must the wife do? Hey now whatever the influenced her thinking whether it's some book she read or some personality she followed or whatever now the change has to happen. We need to embrace a Christlike attitude, a spirit controlled temperament and a word governed behavior. Get rid of that. That idea doesn't align with the word of God. The word of God tells us, you know, to to submit to one another, to respect and honor each other, right? Not necessarily to speak up and have our own way kind of thing. And similarly if the husband maybe he grew up in a home where his father was like rajam kamaharaja like like double like you just sit like a boss and everybody had to serve him. That was the model he saw. So he thinks oh when I get married that'll happen to me. But uh that was 30 years ago. times have changed, right? And and and and not most not only that, but the scripture is teaching us, you know, that uh have this attitude in you which Jesus had. Though he was God, he humbled himself and became a servant. Take on this attitude. So now the husband has to unlearn that pattern of behavior that he saw and take on Christlike attitude, spirit controlled temperament, word governed behavior. So I'm saying it works both ways, right? For everyone when you come into marriage, this is very important. It's very simple but very important. All right. Okay. Um I'll stop here. Uh we'll get into personal transformation like okay how do we go through a time of change in our own lives uh in order to see this happen. I'll leave that for next week so we can digest that. In the meantime, uh, any questions, questions? Oh, mic, please. Online students, you can also ask questions. Pastor, yes. what you were referring to earlier like when you talked about the woman who you know is like I want it my way and all of that usually comes from the years of suppression and then now there's the whole feminist >> feminism >> movement which is also toxic to marriage um but if it's done in a healthy way say that like now in women like in the in the culture we live in women have jobs they have things that they're doing and from my experience what I've also seen is some men who are looking for marriage can say, "Hey, you're too independent. You know, you're too maybe are you able to submit to a husband." But of course, like isn't there something to be said about >> firstly it happens in marriage, right? Not before marriage. M >> and secondly um in order for a woman who's now working and capable and all of that maybe have their own home taking care of their own lives in order to have a safe environment to then be able to submit where you know that the man is you know submitting to God first has reverence to Christ first and is able to even lead a woman who is being led by God. >> Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. So I was just I was just giving an example in a negative way. Meaning if a woman is uh so let me say it like this. Uh both husband and wife should express their opinions should share what's going on in their heart. Uh their thoughts, their points of view. Both should have the freedom to express. Right? What I was kind of uh ex kind of putting in an more exaggerated way is if the woman feels that she should you know uh which seems to be in some cases I'm not saying all the time but uh uh where they could have embraced that thought that oh I need to be more uh stronger to stand up to my spouse then that's that can give rise to problems and [snorts] the solution is both husband and wife must have these three things that we have been saying you know so then both both have freedom to express their ideas but it's all done in a very peaceful way. >> Yeah. >> Thank you. I understood what you were saying. The thing that I also wanted to ask is >> was about women being independent these days. >> Yeah. Yeah. How does how do you find that balance especially as you're getting into marriage and then after is like okay after we know that we submit to one another but before >> you're still not submitted to your husband yet right and how do you kind of test out if they were able to submit able to lead beforehand when you don't have that opportunity to practice that or see that entirely >> I think um So a lot has to do with a heart attitude. So definitely example a a young lady who's not married who's pursuing a professional whatever career will work hard will will want to build that career etc. very passionate etc and they're moving professionally that's a good thing there's nothing wrong with that but the hard attitude matters you know so if the person realizes that you know I can be very accomplished as a individual but yet I will honor whoever I'm going to get married to as uh so that it's a posture of the heart right so they can be very accomplished in their worlds in their sphere but they also are humble. So then it says like yeah this person will be in a place where they can submit to the husband and not in any way feel devalued or diminished you know and that's where we can definitely say that yeah this will work out >> especially when it comes to um hearing from God and obeying God like when it comes to of course ambition and all of that they're equals they can both provide all of that stuff. But when it comes to being guided by God and then now all of a sudden you're kind of say you're you're so comfortable hearing from God and all of that stuff and now there's another person in the mix and how do you kind of you know balance that out where you're of course letting them lead and all of that stuff and that that's important and at the same time you've built such a deep relationship with God that you're so comfortable hearing from him first. >> Um, and then you have to kind of submit to this human >> who's of course below God but still your equal. >> So how do you kind of balance that dynamic? >> Yeah. So I think the premise that we work on or the truth that we work on is the same Holy Spirit is in both people. the husband and the wife are the same holy spirit is bearing witness. Uh so so we let the word govern where the word word says that uh uh husbands uh you know wives submit to your own husbands. So you say okay god I'm hearing this uh please also speak to my husband or reveal to him in ways that he can understand what the good thing is or the best thing is for the family. Example, if it's a decision for the family and say, "God, this is what I'm feeling in my heart, then you're speaking to me. Can you also reveal the same thing to my husband in a way that he can understand?" And like your word says, I will submit to what you speak to, you know. So, I think the posture is right because one, you're following the word and two, we are depending on the Holy Spirit to speak to both people, right? that there's a that the peace of God becomes the witness the same the peace in both people's heart becomes the witness right if there is a clash example you know if there is a cl there there's a difference then I think it's fine if the wife submits and says Lord your word says submit and this is what I'm feeling but this is what my husband is thinking about doing I submit and you guide us Even if he makes a mistake, I am confident that you get us back on track. Yeah. Because God can always redirect things, right? So we have that that much of confidence. Even if there's a mistake made, God will put put us back on track, you know? So that's why we uh yield to the word of God. Yeah. Any other questions online students? Yes. Please go ahead. >> All right. Which which verse is that? Sorry. Oh, it's Oh. Oh, it's in the in the in the notes. Yeah. Which page? Sorry. Page. >> Huh? 54 page 54 um what's words that meaning of um sarcasm. Sarcasm is sarcasm is to be sarcastic. that means to make comments um in a in in a wrong way like sarcastic um I'm trying to think example uh this may not be a good example but yeah if suppose I make a comment oh that person uh he he thinks he's the smartest person it could be sarcastic like I'm I'm oh he's he's thinking like that. So it's a it's making a comment that is not good. Uh it puts the other person in like a bad way. Sarcasm, right? That's one example. What was the other word you said? Um h a pessimism. Oh, okay. Okay. Uh it's always thinking negative. To be pessimistic is to always think negative that something bad will happen or this is not good. So that's negative thinking. Pessimism question was question. Okay. All right. So, we will stop here for today. Um, two hours went so by went by so fast. Um, we will pick up personal transformation next week. Thought we'll keep it for next week and um, we'll go forward from there. Thank you everyone. Have a good day. Thanks.