Christian Marriage & Family | Lecture 10 : BC202-CM&F-20260916

Okay, recording is on. Um, let's pray and start. Okay. Okay. Could somebody please pray? Who has the mic? Oh, I hope it works. Uh, try to speak. That one's not working. Huh? Okay. All right. Um, anyone online? Would you like to pray or Okay, let's pray and we'll [clears throat] start. Father, we thank you for a new day. Thank you for your grace and your mercy on our lives. And uh even as we spend time in your word, spend time here listening and learning, uh we pray God that by your spirit you will deposit your truth, your wisdom, your understanding, uh your revelation in our hearts and in our minds uh by your spirit God. And uh may this Lord be a good foundation for each of our lives uh for the days to come. We thank you father in Jesus name. Amen. Okay. Um last week let me just share the PDF. Uh we were in lesson number four. We were looking at um the role of husband wife. We'll just quickly review some of these things and finish this chapter. [snorts] Um lesson number four uh understanding roles husband and wife. And if you have any questions we will take it up. uh just quickly review uh we said you know husband wife in God in God's kingdom uh we are equals joints and inter interdependent um and uh we see the parallel that the Bible puts forward to us uh which is this is on page 39 uh a divine parallel Christ and his church Christ and his church right so That's the parallel the Bible uh puts forward for us. And uh then we looked at you know these three passages which we read last week. Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3. From these three passages uh we tried to summarize okay what are the main points on the role of the husband role the wife right? So husband's robe we said to love as Christ loves. Nourish your wife, cherish your wife, lead as the head of the marriage. Uh know your wife, honor your wife. Right? So there are six things uh that we outlined from this passage. Similarly, when you look at the role for the wife, uh love your husband, submit to your husband, uh respect your husband and be a help or a support to your husband, right? Um and the real, you know, uh when we talk about love, the the passage that really explains this to us or uh really breaks this down for us is 1 Corinthians 13, uh 13:es 4-8, right? uh love is patient, kind, not jealous. And so that passage is something we have to constantly remind ourselves, right? This is what the love of God looks like, right? In practice and uh we have to uh do that. So we we talked about some real life scenarios, you know, where uh there is mutual submission. It's not that uh wife has, you know, husband is the boss and wife has to do everything. there is mutual submission depending on who has a better idea and so on. But when we're not able to come to a decision then the wife submits to the husband. Um so we start talking then about responsibilities at home uh for the family and uh the Bible is quite strong on this. Okay, that meant um husbands and wives uh uh this passage the passages 1 Timothy 3, Titus 1 Timothy 5 and Titus 1 are primarily speaking to the husband, right? But the obvious inference is wives also are responsible. uh and what we see here 1 Timothy 3 is uh you know it's saying if you want to be a church leader you want to be somebody who serving you have to take care of your own house your own family right uh so the the home is important taking care of the home is important before you can go and take care of the church right so Um uh let's read these passages so that we understand it. 1 Timothy 3 1 to Oh, I know the mic. Uh huh. It's working now. Okay, good. Thank you. Uh 1 Timothy 3 1-13. Somebody can read that. This is a true saying. If a man is injured to be a church leader, he desire an excellence work. A church leader must be without fault. He must have only one one wife, be sorrow, self-controlled, and orderly. He must welcome strangers in his home. He must be able to teach. He must not be a drunkard drunkard or a violent man but gentle and peaceful. He must not love money. He must be able to manage his own family when [clears throat] and make his children obey him with all respect. For if a man does not know how to man manage his own family, how can he take care of our of the church of God? He must be mature in the faith so that he will not swell of pride and be condemned. As the devil was, he so should be a man who is respected by the people outside the church so that he will not be disagressed, >> disgraced, >> disgraced and fall into the devil's trap. Church helpers must also have a good character and be sincere. They must not drink too much wine or be greedy for money. They should hold to the revel truth of the faith with a clear conscience. They should be tested first and then if they pass the test they are to serve. Their wives also must be of good character and must not gossip. They must be sober and honest in everything. A church helper must have only one wife and be able to manage his children and many well. Those helpers who do their work well, win for themselves a good st standing and are able to speak boldly about their faith in Jesus Christ Jesus. >> Thank you. So um the apostle Paul is addressing two kinds of people. One is those who are spiritual leaders in the church and second is those who are helpers in the church or serving in any way right. So we I mean we use the word like volunteers right helpers same thing like those are serving in the church and elders meaning a spiritual leader you know we it could be a life group leader it could be a pastor it could be assistant pastor worship pastor youth pastor team pastor whatever you know uh they are a spiritual leader or they are serving helping in the church right so look at what he's saying right if these people A lot of what he's saying basically in these 13 verses is about how they take care of their family. A lot of it, right? He's not talking about uh uh you know the gift. Yes, he does mention they should be able to teach well so on. But a lot of what he's saying is they should take care of their own family. They should have a good testimony. They should not be greedy for money. even people outside the church should speak well you know about them. So um what we want to focus on is that taking care of the family is so important for somebody to be serving in the church right. So uh and and and if this is this is true of course for those who want to serve in the church and also for all the people God cares about everyone in the congregation. 1 Timothy 5:8 speaks about everybody. 1 Timothy 58, somebody can read it. >> But if any do not take care of their relatives, especially the members of their own family, they have denied the faith and are worse than an unbelievers. >> Yeah. So saying if you don't take care of your own family uh it's like you have denied the faith I know that's pretty strong right you don't take care of your own family uh it's like you have denied the faith you're worse than an unbeliever it's it's quite strong right so as belie as believers you take care of your own family right now know we understand sometimes families go through financial problems they go through difficulties uh we understand that they they may be going through a difficult phase it's not like um they are willfully not taking care so we understand those kinds of things but if a person is not willing to take care of their own family right so then we say hey it's your responsibility right so uh you can see you know here that while we are believers, we love the Lord, we're serving God, that doesn't excuse us from being responsible for our own families. We have to take care. So the reason I'm emphasizing this is sometimes and sadly this happens mainly with pastors and all that uh we get so busy with ministry, we neglect our families, right? I mean maybe the motivation is good. Oh, I want to serve God. I want to put God first. I want to give God my everything. Okay, maybe the motivation is good but somewhere we fail in our own responsibility to our families. But I want to just say that look the scripture is telling us, hey, you take care of your family, right? So our relationship with God is important but then remember you have to take care of your family and then you do the ministry. Right? So don't neglect the family in the name of ministry. The Bible doesn't allow that. In fact, it says you take care of your family and then you go do your ministry. Right? So that's important. Uh I I just want to emphasize that the same thing is repeated there in Titus 1 and uh uh Titus chapter 2. Uh in Titus chapter 2, he's talking to the women. says women you be responsible right you take care you live a holy life um you you take care of your own home you take care you nurture the younger women and so on so while you know the these three first three parts are talking to mainly the man uh in Titus 2 talking to the woman so the response is on both right even the woman cannot say ah god has called me to the ministry so all of you take care of yourselves I'm going on ministry you know same thing you know husband wife first take care of your family then you be involved in the ministry so again based on this uh page 45 uh we can you know itemize some of these things that are the instructions that are given there on taking care of your home both for the husband and for the wife um uh in uh being responsible And then page uh continuing on that same page page 45 uh we will have a separate chapter on sex and sexuality. But the Bible talk tells us that you know husband wife you enjoy sexual intimacy within the context of your marriage. Right? So within the context of your marriage you preserve that and you enjoy that within your marriage. So this is an area of attack for many uh many many people and we need to stay on guard uh in this area. Uh and the last part that I want to just touch on uh page 46 is about the virtuous woman and her husband [snorts] uh proverbs 31. Uh so we we just examine this passage. Proverbs 31 10-31. Uh [snorts] it talks about a woman um the Bible says is virtuous. Her birth is far more than all wealth. And uh you see like how she works. She takes care of the family. She's also industrious. She does things that she can do and her husband and her children appreciate and praise her and uh and she earns her honor or um it says there she's uh her own works uh um verse 31 she receives credit and she receives respect uh from everyone. So uh this is something you know women can aspire for. I'm not saying like you know like okay everybody has to be like this. This something you aspire for and the same would go for men as well for them to uh be people who are virtuous and um live these kinds of life uh live a life like this. Okay. Now, uh I just want to make mention here on page 47. Um there's this little uh table called the five love languages. Okay. So, this was uh uh something that came along uh was was explained to the church a long time ago. Um uh Dr. Gary Chapman and uh there's also another Christian author I think Dr. Edit uh different people who uh who try to explain that um different people um express and experience love in different ways and so they call it love language. Now I'm not not saying this is not this not biblical this is maybe more psychology but this is like people are trying to understand human behavior human you know so this not biblical it's more uh psychology right so basically what they're saying is different people understand and express love in different ways. So the important thing is um to try to understand how your what is the most important way that your spouse can experience and express love and affection. Try to understand that right? So there are they call the five ways words. One is words. Some people like words of affirmation. So you say words that affirm them. birds that you know express love or um uh appreciate them and so on. Right? So words for some people they like gifts for them gifts is their love language. Uh other people service. If you do nice things for them that is their love language and they would also express it that way. For some other people time you spend time with them right? some other people touch physically right so there are doesn't mean that if somebody's primary love language is say words uh the others are not important I think all these are important for all of us right we all need all of these uh expressions of love and we also show love in all of these ways but the important thing is for each one of us one could be something primary Right? Uh that's very important. We feel that way when somebody expresses love and that uh we're able to receive and we also able to express that. So I'm not we shouldn't take this as like this is God's word or anything. No, it's not God's word. It is something to a tool to help us right uh uh express love and to learn to give and receive love. So send words, gifts, service, time, touch. Five ways, right? So the good thing is to practice all five, but understand what your future spouse appreciates the most or responds to the most. Different people would uh right. So um sometimes you know when you are sitting and listening to husband wife husband will say I provide everything for her nothing there is nothing we lack I have a good job I'm earning a lot of money uh I'm providing everything I don't know what is her problem her problem is he's not spending time with me so her love language is thank but he is trying to do something else he he thinks uh giving you know I'm I'm everything is there I buy this I buy that I'm giving a lot of things so he he's thinking if I give a lot of things that is his way of showing love her thing is sit and talk to me you you know spend time with me. So then the husband has to understand okay yes of course you know you provide for your family it's good but what your wife values even more than that is you just sitting and spending time with her right so that's where that little mismatch in understanding so if you help your husband understand hey this is what she is wanting you make the effort then it really helps the relationship Right. Um uh same thing can work for wife to husband. You know wife is very busy uh in the house. She'll clean everything, cook very good food. So her way of uh expressing love is service, right? She's doing everything for the husband. But husband wants words of affirmation. husband for him he likes it when the wife will say oh good job you're very smart or words so wife is working very hard cooking very nice food she said what is the problem I'm giving biryani every week and whatever you know I'm keeping the house very clean I'm doing all of this I'm iring all the clothes whatever she's I'm serving I'm working hard I'm doing I'm not leaving anything unfinished it is But what the husband wants is words, right? That hey, just say thank you for working hard. Uh, you know, you're doing good job. Those words he for him that's important, right? So then the wife has to learn, hey, say some nice words to your husband, you know, affirm words of affirmation, appreciate what he does, you know, on a day-to-day basis like that. So uh so like I'm just giving both both examples from both sides that sometimes we think we are giving so much but the language of the other person is something different. So we need to learn to understand that. Okay. Um so it's just a tool I'm not it's not like like I said it's not chapter and verse it's a tool that will help us understand um our spouse and there's you know a little um uh table that we put there that when people are preparing for marriage they do that and they try to understand each other and also later on in life. Okay. So now we're ready to go on to the next chapter which is attitudes, temperament and behavior. Uh before we jump into chapter five, let me pause here. Any questions online students? Any questions um on the role of husband and wife for any scenarios you run into that you want to talk about before we get into our next chapter? Maybe you observe some things or any questions. Yes, that's pass the mic and I have a question that uh here in the last chapter of this of this page here it's one section is a service so action speak more than words so how do you explain the action should be hm M so um uh actions would be things like we were talking serv serving like what one person does for the other you know uh it could be so many way like you know cooking nice food say from the side from the wife side cooking nice food keeping the house clean or whatever you know so these are actions of uh uh service uh which the wife is doing and she's doing it as a way to show her love for the husband or for the family. Uh but if the love language of the husband is different you know maybe like we saying words uh while this is good is important and it's nice uh he may not take it to his heart as much you know he thinks like oh wife is doing her duty a wife is saying no I'm doing this because I love my husband I love my family you know like that she's giving it everything but the husband is waiting for words, you know. So, when you say actions, uh uh it it's all in context, right? Depending on the recipient. So, for the recipient, maybe the recipient wants words. Uh and but the wife is thinking, oh, my actions will speak louder than words, so she's only giving actions. But for the husband, he wants to hear words in that context for him, right? There could be a total different case where wife is very talking very nicely flowery words you're the lot of words words and but the husband wants service you know and in that in that case the whole thing reverses where wife is saying husband is thinking okay don't talk so much just do the do the work you know so it could be different right in that case that that saying actions speak louder than words applies right where the husband They're saying don't say so much just do the work. Uh >> how it applies for a man like this this thing how it applies for a man. >> Oh how it applies for the man. >> Yes. As you said about the woman's that she used to do all those things that Sila was. >> So on the other way >> so let's say the husband is trying to show love for the wife and let's look at both scenarios. So maybe one case where the wife just wants service. Let's say for her her main thing is being served. No good service. So it'll be like the husband doing things for her like maybe he brings tea or coffee for her in the morning. She feels very nice. He he's doing acts of service like he's serving uh the wife, right? uh for her. So because if if her love language is service, things that the husband does to serve her will make her feel very good, you know, like maybe serving by even maybe doing the laundry or uh cooking some food in the house or taking her out like things that he does to serve her, right? That makes her feel good. But if he just say gives lots of words but not doing any service in that in this scenario she may not she's waiting to be served shown uh love through service. So husband has to serve this way. Uh so here is one problem is like yeah actually for [laughter] actually for a in cities we can manage but you know in our culture based on our culture if you see if you're serving a a wife or someone it will be like you know uh people they will say like our people they will say like Oh marriage he he changed a lot he's serving his wife he's making food he's doing this and that so people used to say how do you how do you explain this and how can we maintain >> yeah service in this context >> okay simple thing they are not married to your wife you are married to your wife very simple they can think what they want but you are married to her now so you have to do best what is best for Correct. [laughter] Let them think what they want. So that's why you know 1 Peter 3:7 says, "Husbands, live with your wife by understanding them." Who has to understand the wife? The husband. The world doesn't matter. Let them say what they want. Um the important thing is that you're doing what what's needed in your family, right? That's all that matters, right? Uh it's not about what other people think. They're not living in your house. Uh so don't worry about it. >> Uh when they when they observe, it's okay, sir. They come and go for five minutes, they'll come. I mean they come, they visit, have tea and go ahead. But you're the one who's living there. So you do what is needed for your family to take care of your family. It's fine. Yeah. Take us. Doesn't matter. Good. Anything else? Any other questions? All right, let's move to our next chapter which is attitudes, temperament and behavior. Now this is a very important aspect. No two people have exactly the same attitude, temperament and behavior. No two people. So each person each person has uh you know is made up of uh different attitudes of how they look at life, how they perceive, how they think, how they react, right? So the attitude, the temperament and behavior each person is very different right. So the important thing is as a husband, as a wife and then later on as a as parents try to understand the attitude, the temperament, the behavior of your spouse. What is their attitude? How will they how do they think? How do they perceive? How will they act and communicate? Two people can see the same can be in the same situation but their attitude and temperament means how they think and react in the same situation is very different. It doesn't mean one is bad or one is good. It's just they are different. You know example uh maybe you're going in the car suddenly car broke down I don't know what happened potholes big portals just broke down at that moment the how the husband how the wife not whoever two people they can react differently now one can say finished full day gone God is punishing us something. Another person sitting in the same car on the next seat. Oh no, just a bump. It's okay. We'll we'll fix it. Go, you know. So, one is looking at it in a very negative way. Oh, God is punishing us. Uh this is something very bad or whatever. Other person, you know, we'll we'll move on. So two people same situation their attitude and temperament is different and so how they think how they perceive how they act and how they communicate is different. So it's very important in a marriage relationship. So now we're talking about marriage relationship and this these things apply to all situations of life right? So even when you're working with other people the same thing applies but right now we're talking about marriage relationship. In a marriage relationship, it's important to understand your spouse or he or she tends to think like this or you know will will act like this, will behave like this is you know so you you need to understand that and and you start from where they are in relating to them you know start from where they Uh don't jump and say why are you thinking like that? No. Don't you know God is good God all the time? Praise the Lord. God is a good God all the time. [laughter] Of course, he or she is still a believer. But their perspective of things is different. That's all. They're starting in a different from a different place. So don't judge them. Oh, you have no faith. No, no. It's not like that. Right. the the way they look at situations is different. So um understand their how they think, how they perceive. Now sometimes these attitudes, temperaments, behavior is shaped uh by how we have grown up, right? Maybe uh the house environment, maybe our education, maybe our friend circle, a lot of influences have shaped our attitude, temperament, behavior, right? So some of these things can be unlearned. Right? So instead of for example simple thing a person can go from being always negative to learning to think positive. It's a change in perspective. Right? So maybe previously they would always react negatively. Oh see maybe God is angry what and then maybe as a example as they understood God is a good God all the time they go from thinking negative to thinking positive. So that change in attitude and temperament can happen you know or for example let's say husband is what we will call as a extrovert. He just likes to go and meet people. If if nobody's around him, he feels like something in the world is he gets nervous. He wants to be with people. Wife you think I'm just giving example. Wife you think is introvert. She likes quietness. Uh she prefers you know just one-on-one conversation quiet. Now that's they have to understand each other and respect each other. Husband can't say wife come on chello let's go to this party tomorrow another party another party every evening one party husband enjoys it but for wife she be like after three parties she's tired [laughter] I don't please leave me alone you know I want to stay at home because see for her solitude quietness uh one-on-one conversation but she kids in a party or in a big crowd. Uh you can't have close conver you can too noisy too much um there's no she likes to have deep conversations not like how you feeling and I said okay bye she wants to have more meaningful so she's that kind of a person husband is very you know like the party person like this mix with people so what do you do you have to respect each other right you have to find a middle ground where both are happy, right? So the wife has to say, "Yeah, my husband is like that. So let me accompany him maybe for one like you know uh when he wants to go." The husband should also understand my wife likes more quietness, solitude. So let me also meet in a place like you know where her needs are also met. You understanding right? So this has to do with attitude, temperament because each of us as individuals are very different. Right? Another example, maybe one person likes to plan. They'll plan five months in advance. Other person 5 minutes. They only think five minutes before. Oh, now we have to go. Okay, let's pack. So they're just two different people right? So one five months before planning say we are going to go on holiday let's uh prepare you know start thinking have you put it in your calendar yes okay so the plan okay how are we going to go to the airport how are we going to take everything five month I mean months before they're planning all this other person not interested why are you thinking about it now you know they'll even quote a scripture Jesus said don't think about tomorrow only think about today. So it's like that you know so two different people just their attitude temp is very different. Um but one person can get very nervous for them. If you're not planned if everything is not in order they get very nervous. So why you're not planning? Why why you not thinking we should plan? But the other person, why are you getting so stressed? You know, why are you so anxious? They look at it as in a different way as though you're being very anxious. So on, right? So somewhere you have to find middle grounds, right? Where uh both have to adapt to each other, understand oh my husband or my wife is like this. Uh so let's see how to work together you know based on their temperament uh their their uh attitude towards life you understanding right so so many so many things you know I've just given some examples where the difference in attitudes and temperament affect how people think how they look at situations how they speak and so we need to learn to adapt to each other. Plus, if there are attitudes or behaviors or temperament that are wrong, then we need to change that. We need to work on changing that. All right. So, let's get into this lesson. um in the context of marriage uh personal um I need I am responsible right for the way I think perceive act and communicate and I must make sure it's healthy if something I am doing is wrong then I have to ask God to change it in me right so that's how we must approach it's like we we shouldn't say always it's the other person's fault. No, sometimes it could be my fault, right? My attitude may be wrong, my temperament may be wrong or I may need to change, right? So that's personal side, right? And then interpersonal is I need to understand my spouse, right? And this is where sometimes uh problems arise. So example husband wife let's say if the wife is a very friendly person or husband is very reserved. It is quite possible and sometimes you see this the husband misinterprets his wife's friendliness as as though she's very you know like flirty. She's just going trying to making friends with it. He misinterpret and then he becomes suspicious. Wife is just a friendly person. That's all. Oh, wife that is her attitude. She's just friendly. She talks to anybody. She's not thinking, "Oh, I shouldn't talk." She's just very friendly. But the husband, because he is very reserved, that's his temperament. He misinterprets his wife's behavior as though she's uh you know not and becomes very suspicious. So give me in this question my question is in a scenario like this who has to change husband right because wife is not uh she's just a friendly but that's her temperament and sometimes being friendly is good right because people feel warm feel welcome uh and that is a good But the husband is thinking wrong. He's misunderstanding wife's temperament, attitude and behavior. So husband should slowly open up and realize, hey, no, that's just my wife. And he should come to a place of comfort, secure, right? She's not doing anything wrong. She's just being friendly. But usually what happens is wife uh sorry husband will tell the wife don't talk to so many people why are you talking so much why are you going in meeting just sit quietly so what will happen he's trying to change his wife to ease his own insecurity usually that's what you'll find that's a complaint but is Is that a good thing? No. Because now wife will see especially like in Indian context the wife might say okay and submit but it is actually like cutting the wings off of a bird. I'm just g as an example, right? You're not letting her be who she wants to be, right? But what the wife can do is if the wife is wise and she'll recognize, oh, this is actually his problem, but until he changes, let me tone down a little bit, right? I'll I'll I'll not be so friend. Of course, she her heart is clean. she's but for the sake of a house when she will tone down a little bit uh because she's he [snorts] has to work through his insecurity. You understanding right? So this kind of really plays out in real life like this uh just the difference in attitude and temperament and so we have to understand each other. So that's the interpersonal part. We need to understand each other and then uh you know do what is needed so that the relationship between husband and wife is kept strong and and and can grow together. All right. Uh let's pause here take a break and uh come back and if you have any questions on this uh we'll take it up. There's a question in the chat. We'll come we'll take it up right after the break. Okay. Rip. Yeah. Thanks.