Video summary
The discussion begins with a profound exploration of when it becomes necessary to leave a relationship, drawing parallels between quitting jobs and ending romantic partnerships. The core argument posits that feeling empty, unsatisfied, and alone while in a committed union represents a unique form of hell. A specific indicator mentioned is the paradoxical thought process during intimacy where one feels lonely enough to desire sleeping with others; this sensation often signals a spiral created by excellent intentions gone wrong rather than malicious intent. The speaker suggests that couples frequently fall into "sexual monotony" or a rut, not because they lack care, but because they revert to playing only the hits—repeating specific techniques and routines derived from past partners, pornography, or internet research without innovation. To reverse this stagnation, the speaker advocates for behavior modification using power dynamics intended for good rather than confrontation. Instead of defensive arguments about why certain activities have stopped occurring, a more effective approach involves sharing subconscious dreams or fantasies with one's partner to introduce novelty and break established patterns. The transcript illustrates how introducing something unexpected from a dream can spark dialogue where partners might agree to try new things based on curiosity rather than obligation. This method transforms the dynamic from a rigid schedule of "hits" into an open exploration, allowing both individuals to deepen their connection without feeling coerced or manipulated in a negative sense. The conversation expands beyond the bedroom to address broader principles of maintaining deep connections through what is termed "conscious relating." The speaker emphasizes that society often expects people to be naturally good at love and friendship, ignoring the need for deliberate effort and maintenance. Practical examples include sending unsolicited text messages during the day with no commercial incentive or purpose other than connection, such as sharing a song from Spotify or commenting on someone's perfume. These small gestures act as reliable signals of authenticity, distinguishing genuine interest from performative behavior like learning martial arts or playing an instrument for social status. The speaker notes that while some may view bedroom skills as something to be hidden or perfected, true intimacy requires tapping into the same level of conscious awareness used in other areas of life. A significant portion of the dialogue addresses the societal stigma surrounding men who actively work on their relationships and friendships, using Galloway's book *How to Stay in Love* as a case study for normalizing self-improvement within marriage. The speaker argues that there is no commercial incentive for promoting these free practices because they do not require signing up for expensive apps or joining exclusive clubs like Equinox. Instead, the focus should be on acquiring an "acquired taste" for deeper connection, which may take time to develop but offers alchemical benefits in friendships and partnerships alike. The speaker warns against becoming emotionally decapitated by relying solely on cerebral horsepower while ignoring emotional needs, urging listeners to cycle through partners quickly if they cannot engage with this level of depth, as the world is split between those who are "tapped in" and those who are not. Ultimately, the conclusion reinforces that reversing boring sex or stagnant relationships requires a shift from routine maintenance to active, conscious engagement. By treating one's partner with grace and initiating conversations about subconscious desires rather than past grievances, couples can stop the spiral of monotony before it deepens into loneliness. The speaker asserts that these behaviors are not contrivances but essential tools for staying in love, challenging the notion that such efforts should be hidden or viewed as manipulative. Through consistent, low-cost actions like texting friends when thinking of them and openly discussing fantasies, individuals can build a recursive spiral that spins upward toward deeper connection rather than downward into isolation, proving that maintaining high-quality relationships is an acquired skill available to anyone willing to practice it without commercial interference.
Read the full video transcript
How do people know when it's time to
quit? How do people know when it's time
to leave a relationship?
I mean, it's hard to say. It's like, how
do you know when to leave a job?
Um, you know, look, that the the
humorous answer is, you know, winners
never quit and quitters never win. But
if you never win and you never quit,
you're a [ __ ] idiot. So I think when
you have
done
what you could do
and you are still in a place where I
think the majority of the time you feel
empty and unsatisfied and alone. I think
there is a type of loneliness when
you're with someone and you feel very
lonely that that is a very unique kind
of hell. Um, I I had a friend who used
to jokingly say that the way he knew he
was in a relationship is when he was
having sex and he found himself
thinking, you know, one of these days
I've got to get laid.
So, I think that sometimes when you are
with someone and feeling alone, when you
are having a sexual relationship with
your partner and you feel yourself
wanting to sleep with other people uh in
a consistent way. Um, but I also think
that that and and a lot of what I talk
about in my book is the idea that
sometimes that is a spiral that we
didn't mean to create and that sometimes
we even created with excellent
intentions and that there is a way to
reverse that spiral. See, like my my
penchant for manipulating people's
emotional state in a courtroom, I think
that power can be used for good. And one
of the examples that I give is is what I
refer to as sexual monotony, which is
that I think a lot of people with
excellent intentions screw up their own
sex lives in a monogous relationship
because,
we meet, we start dating. Maybe we're
not virgins. We've had other
relationships in varying degrees. Okay.
So, what do we do? We throw all the
different techniques we've learned along
the way from other partners, from porn,
from the internet, whatever. We just
throw that at each other. And what do we
figure out pretty quickly? Oh, she likes
this. This she really likes this. Not so
good. It landed flat. Okay. And she
figures out, oh, he likes this. This he
loves. This didn't do anything for him.
This he doesn't like at all. Okay. Now,
what do you do then? Play the hits, man.
Right. You play the hit. Like, I didn't
go see Bruce Springsteen to hear the
acoustic goes to Tom Jode. I want Born
to Run. I want Thunder Road. Like, play
the hits, right? We're on a tight
schedule. Like, let's let's play the
hits. And with great intentions, you
play the hits. She loves this. You love
this. We do it. We do it in a certain
order. What have we just done? We
created a routine. And what starts to
happen now if we're not checking in and
and and having this open communication.
Now, if one of us does something
different, it's like, "Oh, that was
weird. What did we deviate from the
routine? Is something going on? What's
happening there?" And it's unspoken very
often. So, now we're in this routine.
We're in this rut. We don't know how to
get out of it. And then when we start to
have conversation, well, why don't we do
this anymore? And how come we haven't
done that anymore? Now everyone's
defensive about it. So what I always
talk about is like behavior modification
or like behavior manipulation
with good intentions. And and one of the
examples that I give is if look if
you're tired like in the bedroom we're
just doing the same things in the same
order all the time. I I don't think
having a confrontational discussion with
your partner is helpful in that. I have
suggested to people I think the best way
to do it and and I find me a woman who
wouldn't want to have this conversation
if you went to a girlfriend and said the
dream I had about you last I can't even
look you in the eye the dream I had
about you last night I I don't even know
where it came what what what was it like
she's going to want to know what what
was it I can't even I don't know what I
I it was like the dirtiest tr what were
we doing and then you describe what it
is you've been thinking about doing and
either she goes goes, "Oh, well that is
that something you'd want to do?" And
then you go, "I don't know. Maybe like I
guess something in my subconscious, like
I it was hot in the dream. Maybe, you
know, give it a shot." kind of a thing.
Or if she goes, "Oh, I would never want
to do that." You go, "Yeah, I know. I
don't know if I eat dairy before I go to
bed or something. I don't know where
that came from. It was subconscious."
Yeah.
>> At least now you've got that you've got
that dialogue happening. And again, this
is in with a tremendous desire to deepen
this connection. I think we screw up our
relationships not because we don't care,
not because we don't want to be good at
the job. I think it's just a matter of,
you know, well, why should I do this
when I could do that? Well, you didn't
do this for me. Why should I do this for
you? You can reverse that flow just as
easily by just starting to treat your
partner with grace and giving them
things that leaving each other at
sending. What woman would not want to
receive a text message in the middle of
the day? you know, uh, song just came up
on my Spotify. I had it on shuffle and
it was making me think of you. Or, you
know what? I just thought of I just a
woman just walked by and she was wearing
that perfume you were wearing when we
first
who would that's the fem that's the
equivalent of sending nudes to
>> and then and then PS you're way hotter.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. Perfect. Like, and
what and by the way, what a gift that
is. And and what man has ever received a
nude or a suggestive photo from a girl,
>> dude. an out of the blue nude
>> who you're dating. Yeah.
>> Yeah. That's that's like triple nudes.
That's that's worth three times a normal
nude. That's a gold star.
>> That's three dozen roses you bought for
her.
>> Correct.
>> That's what that is. And it's so What
does it cost? Nothing.
>> We did a series on the show, 20, 30
episodes when I first started and it was
life hacks. It was how to make a great
toasted sandwich. This is my favorite
meditation app. But a lot of them were
behavioral and many of them have stuck
with me. Sleep with your phone outside
of your bedroom. Try and go for a walk
first thing in the morning. The best one
is basically this, but for friendships,
and it's text your friends when you
think about them.
>> Yeah.
>> Because they pop into my head all my all
the time. My my old business partner
that I used to run nightclubs with for
15 years. Sometimes I think about when
we both got food poisoning at his son's
first birthday party and it it'll just
come
>> and then it'll go. But if I don't have
the rule, the impetus, just text Aaron.
Text Aaron and say, "Dude, just thinking
about when we [ __ ] ourselves. I was in
Manchester. You were in Newcastle. We
were both locked in nightclub toilets.
Do you remember we were trying to run
our events out respective events in
different was on New Year's Eve and that
thing happened and da da da
>> or you just send one, hey man, thinking
of you. Hope you're really well. You
know what I'm actually loving and I
never I never say this about tech.
>> Apple photos sends these memories
reminders every once in a while to you.
Like it just goes into your camera roll
and it says like here's a memory
>> and it just pops up. Now sometimes it's
upsetting because all of a sudden you're
like sitting there and you got a photo
of your dead friend. Um, but a lot of
times it's just some random photo. And I
have to tell you, like I get them
>> and half the time I text them to the
person who's in the photo with me and I
go, "This just popped up on my thing.
Look at these [ __ ] kids. Who were we
back then?" And it starts the like, "How
you doing, man?" I'm good. You? Yeah.
How's the kids are? Are good? Yeah. All
right, man. Just want to tell you I love
you. Love you, too. What a like
beautiful moment of connection. Costs
nothing in the middle of the day.
>> It rules. It rules.
>> But nobody But here's the thing, man.
You're never going to, and this is this
is my like soap box lately,
you're never going to hear a lot about
this in mainstream media. And the reason
why is cuz it's [ __ ] free and you
don't have to buy anything.
>> Okay, so here's here's on that. There's
no commercial incentive for it. Saying
just text your friends, it'll improve
your social network doesn't have you
signing up to some new app or joining a
run club or signing up for Equinox or
whatever the [ __ ] I think another part
of it is the same reason, one of the
fundamental same reasons that the pickup
artist movement was so pushed back
against by women beyond the fact that it
was manipulating them to get them into
bed,
>> but that a reliable signal of your
authenticity
means that there are some things that
are close to your sense of self and
there are other things that aren't close
to your sense of self. Your capacity for
jiu-jitsu
>> Mhm. When you first started 15 years
ago, I didn't see as some window into
who you truly are as a person.
Therefore, if you started learning to
become better at jiu-jitsu, I didn't
feel that you were contriving yourself
or coercing me into believing that
you're a certain way.
>> The same thing goes with learning to
play the piano or speak French or
something like that.
>> The same thing is not so true with our
abilities in the bedroom
>> or with the primary language that we
speak or perhaps our accent. We got rid
of our accent. What are you trying to
hide there?
>> Immediately you can feel like oh he
worked on he read he watched some
instructional about the bedroom
>> and I think the reason is
>> there is a degree of ick among the
people that are not tapped in. The world
is split into two groups. People who are
tapped in and people aren't tapped in.
>> The world of people who aren't tapped in
look at uh we could call it conscious
relating. I can't think of a better
word. It it'll be a placeholder for now.
>> Conscious relating. So, I'm genuinely
thinking deliberately about how I show
up and how it affects you and how that
recursive
>> spiral is going to continue to go. And
my goal is to spin this spiral up
>> as much as possible and stop it from
coming down as much as possible. That's
what I want to do.
>> And I'm going to learn about attachment
theory and I'm going to realize that, oh
wow, that I maybe do get a little bit
anxious if somebody doesn't text for a
while. And I'm going to tell you that
thing. I'm going to use the emotions and
you're going to learn it about me and if
you get it wrong, I'm going to be gentle
with you but firm. I'm going to hold my
boundaries. I'm going to say, "Hey babe,
you remember when I said about that
thing." When you do that, it makes me
feel this. And I'm sure that you didn't
mean to, but I would love it if you and
you just continue to build on that. And
you're going to cycle through partners,
I think. And this has been my big thing
for the last sort of two years or so,
trying to get below the neck. I was
emotionally decapitated
>> and um trying to trying to work out how
to stop praying at the altar of [ __ ]
cerebral horsepower.
>> Yeah. and you are going to cycle through
partners and friends very quickly
because it's a a particularly it's an
acquired taste,
>> right? This is not unfortunately Papa
John's. This is something slightly more
niche.
>> Um
>> but
>> I think that the alchemy that's
available, the friendships that I've got
now, the way that I relate to my friends
is so much deeper. even the friends that
I had before who've grown with me and uh
have been prepared to sort of come along
for this ride or have been on parallel
journeys on their own
>> and uh yeah and the depth of connection
comes from
>> [ __ ] rules dude [ __ ] rules
>> but see this is something I think we we
have to as a society
>> unspeakable misogynist
>> but we have to absolutely we have to
start normalizing that because I you
know it astounded me like when when my
book you know how to stay in love right
like this title for a book, How to Stay
in Love. Noble goal. You're in love. You
want to stay in love. That's lovely. If
you saw, you know, let's let's let's use
Galloway as an example. He's a married
guy. If you walk into Galloway's home
and you see seven habits of highly
effective people, you see Power of Habit
by During. You see, you would go, "Look
at this guy. Look at Galloway, man. He's
crushing it out there. He's a monster."
And you know, he's still trying to
sharpen the sword. Love it. Love it. You
see on his thing, How to Stay in Love.
you be like, "Oh [ __ ] things are right
at home with Scott."
>> Maybe not you, but most people are going
to look at that and say, because we're
supposed to just be naturally good at
this.
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