Video summary
Bumble, often marketed as a feminist alternative to Tinder since its 2014 launch, has recently announced changes designed to reduce the administrative burden on female users who are required to make the first move. The platform introduced an "Opening Moves" feature that allows women to send pre-written template questions or short messages rather than crafting individualized responses from scratch. This update comes after data revealed by Penny, a former Bumble executive, highlighted the exhausting nature of the current system; she noted that receiving 100 likes might yield only one date due to the significant effort required to write personalized messages and manage low response rates. Consequently, approximately 70% of female users reported feeling burned out by this process, prompting the company's decision to offer these easier-to-use templates while maintaining the core requirement for women to initiate contact. The discussion surrounding this feature reveals a sharp disagreement regarding its implications for gender dynamics in dating. While some view the template option as supportive relief from exhaustion, critics argue that it reinforces existing societal norms where men are expected to be pursuers and women gatekeepers. The speaker points out that despite Bumble's structure requiring women to start conversations, many still send low-effort messages like "Hi," leaving the onus entirely on the male recipient to steer the conversation toward a date. This dynamic mirrors real-world interactions where 95% of surveyed single women in the US and UK expressed a desire to be approached more often by men offline rather than initiating contact themselves, suggesting that digital platforms are merely replicating traditional evolutionary biology patterns where males pursue and females choose due to resource scarcity differences between sperm and eggs. A significant portion of the dialogue addresses the disconnect between user complaints about dating fatigue and statistical realities regarding rejection rates. The speaker challenges the notion that women universally dislike being approached by men, citing informal survey data from 13,000 participants indicating that only a small minority actually reject unsolicited advances in real life; much of what appears to be rudeness is often due to factors like existing relationships or lack of interest rather than an inherent aversion to male pursuit. The argument follows that dating remains fundamentally a numbers game where individuals must approach frequently despite the high probability of rejection, contrasting this with modern technology's tendency to make people lazy and expect instant gratification without effort. Ultimately, the episode concludes by framing these technological adjustments not as solutions to deep-seated social issues but as accommodations for users who have become accustomed to convenience in other areas of life, such as food delivery or streaming services. The speaker warns against expecting dating apps to solve fundamental human mating challenges that have persisted throughout history, noting that technology often encourages passivity rather than fostering the necessary skills for genuine connection. While Bumble's new feature attempts to alleviate user fatigue by simplifying message initiation, the underlying reality remains unchanged: successful dating still requires men to actively pursue women and navigate a landscape where rejection is an inevitable part of the process, regardless of whether messages are typed from scratch or selected from a dropdown menu.
Read the full video transcript
a lot of effort to get one date Bumble
app makes women's first move easier in
the end it was the data that killed me
says Penny about her decision to leave
the dating app Bumble if she opened the
app she might receive 100 likes 25% of
which she might be interested in she
would look at their profiles and write
an individualized message a few would
respond perhaps one would result in a
date that's a lot of effort to get one
date she says it's exhausting Bumble
Builders the feminist Tinder when it
launched in 2014 this week announced it
was taking action to relieve the
administrative burden on it female users
it has given them the option of firing
off a short pre-written question to
potential dates rather than a carefully
crafted missive after 70% of its female
users said that they were becoming
burned out while it is not ditching the
requirement for women to make the first
move its female users can now send a
template question such as what book or
film changed the way you think using the
site's opening moves feature what do you
think about this so I'm supportive of it
but I don't find it surprising this
really maps to the Dynamics male female
approach dynamics that we see in person
which is that the responsibility is on
the man to approach and start the
conversation with a woman it's not
generally the woman who is the one
needing to approach or start the
conversation but what I would say is
this woman who said she was writing
carefully crafted messages is in the
minority as someone who has looked at
thousands of bumble conversations women
generally send zero effort one-word
responses like Hi and then the onus
would still fall on the man to then come
up with a creative or interesting
conversation and steer that towards a
date so I feel like previously okay
women were starting the conversation but
in name only I think there's a good bit
of push back from guys about this and I
can understand why that basically they
now feel like hang on women you said
that you wanted an app that allowed you
to make the first move which is what
we've had to do for all of human history
and then being given that preference
privilege request whatever it is that
you wanted you're now saying that oh
it's too arduous even though you can
copy and paste a message you can use
keyboard shortcuts on iPhone to make it
easier to do and it's now been made even
more easy so that there's pre-written
template questions that you can just
press a button to send to me which means
it is first move in name only and I
think it probably feels many guys that
are dating will feel indignant it's like
this is what it's like for me all the
time not just on this one app yeah and
unfortunately that's just the reality of
dating the man is expected to be the
pursuer and you can either you know not
to say you were complaining about that
but complain about that or you can learn
how to approach and appropriately
attract women and you can trace that
back to evolutionary biology you know
the man is in across most species the
male is the pursuer sperm are much more
abundant than eggs eggs are the scarcer
resource women become the Chooser up
front there's some interesting species
where the reverse is the case there's
some birds I think in some spiders it's
the same too and the male is the
choosier one quite rightly the the the
the the burden sort of switches and uh
men are the ones that get to CH or the
males are the ones that get to choose
but yeah I think you
know guys being the protagonists and
women being The Gatekeepers or the
receivers in whatever way anybody that
is like people realize this what are you
hearing or
what is it that women say about their
desire to initiate versus their desire
to be pursued what have you learned
there so women want to be approached
more and pursued more at least in from
what I see in my personal experience in
my relationships with women and what I
hear and then I also conducted some
informal survey data of 13,000 women in
the US and the UK 97% said they would
rather meet their partner in person than
online and 95% said They wish they were
approached More Often by men in real
life 95% of anything is crazy I'm not
sure 95% of people would agree the sky
is blue if you asked them and women are
saying in hordes basically like hey I
want to meet a guy offline and like I
want guys to approach me and you know I
hear guys saying well women are rude
when I approach them or it doesn't work
out and the reality is is it's a numbers
game like there are some women who don't
want to be approached and there are even
more women who who already have a
partner or aren't interested in men or
don't like you for whatever reason that
you can't control but that is out of
your control if you learn to approach
appropriately you're not going to be
pepper sprayed or arrested or have some
terrible thing happen if you talk to a
woman in real life yeah your sample was
13,000 single women yes in the US in the
UK I'm not sure what the age cohort was
but let's say that 50% of women are in a
relationship 50% a single that actually
turns 95% into 47 and a 12% so for the
guys that say I've tried to approach
women what's the likelihood that each
time I do it it's one of the 5% like
yeah but you're you don't know unless
they've got a green badge that says yes
I'm single you're not actually
pre-selecting exactly so you're it is
you just have to approach more often and
I get it it's hard it can be anxiety
inducing you're often times facing
rejection and that is just what has been
happening for all of human history and I
think we have become complicit with
expecting things to be delivered to us
you can press a button on your phone and
have any meal you want delivered to your
door all of your groceries come to your
door anything you want to watch you can
press that button and watch that at that
time and I'm not anti- technology but
technology has made people lazy and
expect to always get what they want when
they want it and dating and mating is
not that way in other news this episode
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