ARE WE REALLY READY FOR MARRIAGE Ft. Nickson Michael | Y Podcast

trending topics together and right about now I am introducing to us pastor Nixon Michael. Yes. So he has joined us and we are going to be having a very great discussion in I know that you're going to be enjoying this discussion cuz what we're talking about today is marriage. Yes. And he he's been having discussions in regards to marriage because he's a marriage therapist. Oh, why this? Why that? Bring them on. And we're going to be discussing them today. I want to give him a chance to say hello to us, to J, who he is, um, where he's from, and probably why he decided to discuss about marriage. Yes. Good morning. >> Good morning. >> How are you doing? >> Very good, Liz. >> Um, say hello to my people and let us know a little bit about who Pastor Michael is. >> All right. Good morning everybody and good to see every one of you this morning. So much excited to catch up with you. Uh my name is Nick Son Michael the senior pastor of Assembly of Faith Churches located in Utal Airways and u I'm so excited to be in studio this morning to be able to discuss with us in regard rather pertinent matters of marriage people that are in love with each other and so on. So I believe it's going to be incredible time as we discuss on this one and of course you're free to be able to engage with us and make inquiries and we'll be able to respond and make clarification. So you're most welcome and thank you. God bless you. >> Amazing. Um I'm excited cuz I see Phoebe smiling. So she seems to be having some questions [laughter] or rather. >> I'm so ready. I have >> Yeah. [laughter] >> I can't wait. I can't. >> Okay. So, what we're going to do is we're going to ask Pastor Michael questions in turn. I'm going to go first then Phoebe and her questions, she's going to go after me. Okay, that's how we're going to do this. And also, do you have a question if that is the right person? Amma, you should continue. Amma, why things are happening the way they are happening? Send us your questions and we're going to be asking your questions today. Today, the day love in some sort of way. Okay. Yes. So we are here to sort all your questions and again I remind you that we are on all social media platforms at Y254 channel # Yin in the morning. Yes, bring up your questions and we're going to be discussing them together. So we go straight to the first question that I have or the first question that I can think of. Um many people say that a wedding lasts for a day, marriage lasts for a lifetime. And um for most young people right now, they really focus on the wedding. Like the budget and you find people use millions and millions of of money on the wedding and then because they were trying to make sure that their wedding was truly um extravagant and all that. So for you as a marriage therapist um what would you advise someone that wants to get married and they want to do a wedding? So should I focus on an extravagant wedding or where should my focus be at? Number one, it's very important to understand that um marriage is between two people. It's never for people. Every other person is for for two people. >> Mhm. >> And for that case, you should think more about you not about people. Why should people have you know big events you know that um you know you spend a lot of money. Mhm. >> You should do so if for sure you are well established financially. >> Mhm. >> But if you're not well established financially, there is no need for such kind of you know cost or spending and what you're doing you're just you know pleasing other people and yourself. You're going to be left behind you know and doing all these things. >> So then again that would be out of wisdom for one to borrow >> you know so that he can be able to do a wedding. It is not supposed First of all the the wedding that is really recognized by the church >> Mhm. >> is the traditional wedding. >> Mhm. Wow. I didn't know that. >> And why would I say so? Because that's what the Bible says. >> Mhm. >> Okay. Then again we have now the white wedding >> which is now where people they spend a lot of resources. You understand? Because the Bible talks about the instances that we have in the Bible of people getting married. It wasn't a white wedding >> but it was a you know a traditional customary wedding where the man takes the diary to to the to the parents of the of the lady you understand and then once they receive the blesses of the parent they are good to go. >> Yeah. Later on when the government came in introduced now >> the white wedding >> the not the white wedding not the white wedding weddings it's what we call the the aton general wedding the DC wedding >> m >> you understand where you again you don't need many people just around four people >> you understand and then you're good to go >> then now we have now the the white wedding which now comes with the church >> basically the church should be the place where people receive the blessing of the man of God but necessary not necessarily to gather many people >> a crowd all your village people >> you don't have to do so but then again when you are well established by >> yeah you have the money you >> I mean you can do everything you you can do the wedding wherever you want to do it >> and and and that would be good but then again you know having to borrow or to bother people you know committees that are that are not even reaching the target you don't have to strugg with all those things and I also want to make a correction I think that notion is coming from the whereby somebody thinks for me to be known that I'm married I really have to have that big >> you get what I'm saying now >> but it's not it's not a necessity >> still you can just do a simple wedding >> you can do a simple wedding in fact you can do it sometimes we do it in church after Sunday service >> oh >> you know just people come and we do the church after the service you know sister so and so brother so you guys come here >> get look like >> we bless you >> she has so many questions in regards to we bless you guys and then you're good to go. >> So it doesn't have to be complicated. >> And uh one of the major reason people actually keep on messing around and they're not able even to settle down with one girl or with one gentleman >> is because of the cost of that wedding and the cost is not on the dowy. >> The cost is usually on that particular day when you take the girl or the guy in the church. M >> but we must come to this understanding that God does not expect you to gather many people. The government doesn't expect you to do so. Neither your parent >> do according to your budget. >> Just within your budget and you'll be good to go. >> Okay. I have a question. >> All right. >> Our generation um we are like um we can get married. Yes. But is it a must we stay together >> according to you? Is it is it like a must [laughter] we stay together? >> Yes, we are married but at some point >> I can just like stay on my own and then he stays on his own >> and you're married >> and we are kind of married. >> We need be here. [laughter] >> Okay. According to you, what would you advise to people or to us who are who we have like thoughts of like that >> that kind of a thinking you know? Well, I will not respond according to me. >> Okay. >> I'm going to respond according to the Bible. >> Okay. So that again it has it has a weight. These are not my thoughts but this is exactly what the Bible rather God expects you to do. What is first of all marriage? Marriage is actually two people becoming one. >> Mhm. >> So now can you imagine yourself this leg left at home and you come with one leg? >> Yeah. >> Is that one possible? >> It's not possible. >> It's not possible. Secondly, marriage actually it is it is a shadow or a type of the reality that is found in God. You see when God created man, God wanted man to be in him and God to be in man to be in what we call an inseparable relationship >> but you can't separate. >> Okay. So now a woman and a man coming together they typologize the reality that is in the spirit which is man in Christ and Christ in man which you cannot separate them. >> That's why say and the two shall become what? Shall become one. >> It doesn't change by age. It doesn't change by the time. It doesn't change by generation. You know that was your generation. This is our generation. In our generation we are not staying together. We get married and somebody stays there. No no no. It doesn't. Just like you don't generation possibility according to >> to the Bible >> the Bible and according to code. Okay. >> You understand? So it's not >> I get you. I get you. I get you. Yeah. I'll have to change my >> you got to change your perception thinking that I have to change. >> You know I'm confused by your question Fibbe because um if you want to get married to someone that's because you love them and you want to be around them. >> Yes I love them. But is it a must we stay together? At some point >> I [clears throat] don't want to see >> I don't want to see this person I don't want to see for better for us [laughter] >> and you know signed up you know again le the reason why she say so is because u the the the generation that now is coming up right now they are actually walking away from from God. >> Mhm. When you do not have the knowledge of God or the knowledge of Christ, marriage will be very difficult. >> Yeah. >> Because again like I've said, it is actually a representation of the reality that exist in God. >> You see now. >> So now if you can be able to know Christ well, it will not be difficult to stay with one another. >> You understand? Because the issues of you know forgiving each other, submitting to one another, it will be >> easy for you. But now that you do not even understand God, you're like this guy, man. You know, I don't have to do this. By the way, you see [laughter] >> Are you getting that? So but then again when you look at Christ and how Christ has loved the church >> it's not because the church is perfect that Jesus loves the church. >> You understand? It's not that man is perfect that God loves him. You know the Bible says for God so love the world that he gave. >> So when you love you give >> so when you love and then number two also trying to shed more light on that >> when someone is walking into a marriage you are not coming to marriage to receive. >> You are coming into marriage to give. So if it is me, I'm walking to my marriage. I'm not coming to receive for my wife. >> You're coming to give yourself. >> I am coming to give to my wife. If is my wife, she's walking to my m to the marriage. He's coming to do what? >> To give herself to you. >> God does not expect you to submit to your husband because he loves you. He expects you to submit to your husband because that is what is expected of you. >> So I submit whether he loves me or not. >> Yes. And then him is not supposed to love you because you are submissive. >> He's supposed Wait, like the the the wife is supposed to submit and the man is supposed to love. >> That's right. >> But why is it that most of the times the ladies who love the men or no ladies don't have love? >> You don't have any love. >> What do you mean you don't have any love? >> You don't you don't have any love, >> you know. And that's why you guys you you react or you behave respond according to the way you are treated. >> Okay? >> You understand? So women do not have love to love. >> Women use the love that you give them to give it back to you. >> Yeah. True. >> That's it. And the same thing with God and man. >> You cannot love God. >> You can't love God. >> It is God's love. When you receive it, then you love him. We love him back with the same love that he has given to you. So know a woman that has got love. >> Now what happens? Um I'm trying to understand your perspective. >> Um when you think about the ladies that really force issues on guys like they want this relationship to work, the guy is not interested or he was and he no longer is. And the lady is the one that is trying to push for this to work. You get my perspective. So when you say that ladies do do not have love to give, >> what would you call that? >> That's not love. That's definitely not love. Let's say for instance, you really want your iPad right now to work. Doesn't mean that you love the iPad. It doesn't mean you just want it to work because there is what you need to get out of that laptop. You understand? Not because you you love it. >> So a woman doesn't have love to love. That's why when you a man loves a woman, she would demonstrate that love. >> You understand? >> Yeah. >> Sometimes don't mistaken love and feelings. >> Mhm. I think that's what we do most of the time. >> Don't mistaken love and feelings that there are two things different. >> When love comes in because no, when we talk about love, number one, you talk about sacrifice. You talk about >> actually giving out yourself. >> And that's not what we want to hear. >> Yeah. Giving out yourself means that you know you want to sacrifice everything. Most of the time ladies don't want to do so. >> Yeah. >> They want to be loved. They want to be treated well. >> They you know they want to be given. They want to feel you know you know a a to girl. That's what they want to feel. No man wants to feel like that. You understand? Watch this. uh lease when a woman is paying rent for her husband >> buy clothes for her husband she doesn't take pride on it >> no >> she's like I wish God you can bless my husband I wish this guy can you understand when a man is doing that to the wife >> he takes pride on that >> you know that that is now where that is where now he feels now yes I am the man because he's doing what because now he is giving love because love is not worth love is substantial you give it is something that you give. So it's not just what telling someone you know I love you you know I miss you you know I feel you that's not love that's not love rather it is an action no wonder the scripture will say for God so loved the world what did he do to >> he gave himself you understand so the man when he say that I love my wife it means that he must have given himself to that woman you understand so the woman doesn't give herself to man it is man that gives himself to >> so that means the people who do not give gifts cuz I I think gifts is one tangible show of giving. So someone who does not give gifts maybe they don't give their time they don't love you. >> Yes definitely because again you have to substantiate your [laughter] love. You really have to your love because you have to substantiate yourself and and sometimes again it's important to understand marriage first of all is cultural. It's not even godly. >> Where okay explain to us >> marriage is very very much cultural. It's not godly. That's why we have the atheist. >> They say there's no God. In fact, when you talk about God, they see you as a fool, isn't it? >> Why do you believe in something that you've never said? >> Exactly. Are they in marriage? >> Do they have successful marriages and families? >> Yes. That and they really do not believe in what? They don't pray to God. They don't even acknowledge him. You understand? But they still in what? >> In marriage. That is to mean that marriage is cultural. But >> godly people are in marriage. For instance, I am a godly person. I'm a man of God. I'm born again. I am in marriage. Another person is not born again, does not even acknowledge God, but is still in what? >> In marriage. So it's it's it's not for the go it's not for the born again people. It's not for the church people. It's not for the Christian. >> You understand? >> It's cultural. >> You understand? But then uh the the the godly people they get into marriage just like business you know you have a business you have a career. One does not doesn't have to be a godly person so that he can qualify to be a career person or to qualify to be a business person. You understand? But people that are in business are also godly godly people. So that's exactly. So now from that it means what you must approach it from the natural point of view. There are things that you have to think naturally when you are going for a woman or when you're going for a man. make sure that I've estim >> is he the kind of a person that I really want to take to spend the rest of my life with. >> Yeah, >> those are very important things you know as you're looking at the the issues of marriage. >> You get what I'm saying now? So look at it from the from the point of is a natural is a thing and then from there again establish what do I really need from a man >> let's give a chance to ask a question. >> Yeah. So lately we have been getting a lot of um marriages like divorces. [snorts] >> What is that one thing you could advise before we get into marriage? What is that one thing you should look for like to avoid the divorce part later? >> Correct. Very important. First of all, from the Bible perspective, the Bible says uh it was not so in the beginning, but then Moses gave the permission for people to divorce and it was because of the hardness of their heart. Is it like the first question that you had asked about you know is it a must that when we get married we have to stay together >> you can I stay on my own and he stays on his own when you feel like coming together that weekend you understand that's now what we call the hardness of the heart >> okay >> you understand you see in marriage one must be ready to make sure that you don't count your partner counts >> okay >> and you also ensure that your partner also thinks the same He doesn't count. You are the one that counts. >> Yeah, >> you understand. >> Yeah, I get you. >> Very very much important. >> Marriage is is a process of learning each other on a daily basis. You can never people date. There are some people that say that you know I want to date you for 3 years so that I can know you. It's a lie. It's not possible. >> You just cannot know somebody that you're not living together. >> It's not possible. You >> we must live together. >> You must start living together so that know each other. Yeah, >> you understand? >> Immediately you change. You begin to pretend. >> You will never be real until the day you're going to walk into his house >> because again you want to be this nice girl. Every other that time you're meeting >> until the day you want to get married when now you walk into the house of you get to his house >> and now you are there maybe in the next few months again you are pregnant. Ah, >> now you are you are not even >> you won't go anywhere. >> Yeah, you're not even covering. You're not pretending nothing. You understand? And then from there now you can begin to learn this is how this guy react >> doesn't even make his bed. [laughter] >> And then >> in response to that question >> you must get into marriage to make it work. You must get into marriage to do what? to make it. When you when you get into a marriage, you are getting into um >> a skeleton that you're going to begin to build it >> unfinish project, a raw material >> that you must begin to The reason why there is a lot of divorce today is because [laughter] Yeah. >> The guy who knows how to love a woman, the guy who knows how to do things around in marriage, it means he has had another marriage. Somebody must have worked what he's doing. >> Yeah. The same woman, the woman that knows how to do it well, it means that he has must have had another guy who told her >> how to do >> how to do it. So now when you get into marriage, you must come with this mindset. I'm coming to work on this marriage. >> It has to it has to work. >> Yeah. >> You understand? And that's why now forgiveness, >> you know, patience. >> Yeah. >> You know, bearing with one another must be the order of the day in order for you to be able to build that marriage. Otherwise, without that, >> it doesn't matter how tall tam is looking like, >> it's still not going to work >> because again, it's not in the looks. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Um in regards to that there's a question few be asked and I think um it's good to ask about that right now >> right now we we hear so many people saying that you need to go for counseling first before you start dating go for counseling before you go to you get married and at times um people say let's go to counseling and we see if we can date and then after we date we get married. How important is counseling before marriage? counseling before marrying is very much important because usually the counseling before marrying is done by people that have been married for for a long time for some time so they really have an experience they are not just speaking theoretical stuff they are just going to talk to you through the experience >> you understand so it becomes very important because you though what I've seen again because I do counseling >> what I've seen is that um when people are dating and they're in love with each other when they enter into a counseling they usually don't even hear the You know you tell them something me I can never do that one to my husband me I will never do this one because they too much in love but then what happens is that after they get married some of the things that they were hearing that they begin now to they begin to reality >> yeah the reality but it's very important they need to go through if you don't go through premarital counseling you will later on still go through a counseling again and you rather do it >> before >> because when you do it before it will help you to enjoy your marriage when you are going to get married, it means that you guys going to change your bedroom to be a war zone. >> You understand? >> You're going to have tough times. Sometimes one may even enter into depression. You get what I'm saying? >> So, it's important to prepare. A wise person is the one that prepares you know for what he wants to do instead of say that let me start and then I will prepare while I'm doing it. No, then it will be a a mess. So it very very very important to really go through the the premarital you know as you get the marriage then you at least you are prepared the things that you should expect you understand >> at at a particular point your husband will react like this at a particular point your wife will react like you know like this so those things so in the initial stages But that's the time now you Oh, so it makes sense. It makes sense. Sometimes you hear people say, you know, my mother used to say >> when the mother was saying those days, they never used to to take it serious. [laughter] >> But now the reality has hit them, they can make, you know, reference to what their mother used to say. >> So again, I recommend strongly, yes, you should go for the pomero cancer. >> Okay. Um what do you think or what makes marriage last? >> What makes marriage? >> Yeah. To last. >> Last. Right. We'll speak we'll respond to that into into uncle. Angle number one will be God. >> God must be involved. >> Number one will be God. >> Mhm. >> And then why why should I say it to be God? Because again if someone is going to look at God whether he's a wife or he's a husband then they are they have a sure you they have a sure bet that this thing is going to work because when you look at the attributes and the character of God he is longsuffering he's forgiving is forbearing he's loving you understand it true >> so now if a man or a woman is going to look at God then he will be able to do what to make his marriage what last you know anything that is found and built on God it has got 100% sure that it's going to start >> true >> you understand so most of the time they don't stand because either one party is going to walk away from the patterns of God >> you understand but then again >> we will not only talk about God because we have seen that marriage is not >> godly >> only godly people are in marriage >> so Again it is values of that marriage. Why did I come into this marriage? I said something when we were starting. You do not get into marriage to receive. >> Yeah. >> You you come into marriage to do what? To give to give. So if I as a husband I have that kind of a perception that thinking I have not come to this man to receive. >> I have come to do what? To give. Actually to make it work. >> So I'm going to use all my energy. Then my wife the same she thinks that way then that marriage it doesn't matter what storm of life will come it will still do what >> stand to stand >> most of the time there are people that we might have one party that values those you know principles >> as much as one party is valuing those principles it won't work because the other one is going to pull it out >> but there must be willingness from the both >> uh from the both parties >> willingness to make it work >> so Now I'm coming to give into this marriage. All right? I'm not coming to receive. >> That's why no matter my whatever my wife does to me, >> I will still make sure that this thing works. >> Sometimes my wife will do something that does not need me to talk to her. I will still talk to her >> because I need this thing to do what? To work. >> And sometimes I will talk to her and she will feel like wow >> man I have done this to this dude and he's [music] talking to me. >> Then I think this guy loves me. >> True. True. >> The wife will respond. She will do things that I do not deserve to be done because of whatever may have done and then I will look at her and say wow >> then it looks like this a very submissive woman. >> So even >> you understand >> those that means that everybody is coming to give >> that will make them listen sex doesn't make marriage last. Yeah, true. >> Understand that gift. The one le was talking about they don't they don't make money to you know last. >> There are people somebody will be will be given S-class and next month they have their party. Somebody's bought a house. You understand? So doesn't mean that the gift is what's going to make marriage is what? Marriage work. >> What about love? >> Um love you see again love comes from one person doesn't come from the both people. >> And and I can see you so stuck on that. Yeah. I still don't get it. [laughter] >> Like, you know, most I'm thinking the only thing that would make me want to get married to someone is because I love them. >> Yeah. True. >> And um in as much as you're talking about all these things, that's why I'm like, "Okay, so where is love?" >> You know what you're calling love is not love for you. As I listen to you, what you're calling love is not love. It's feelings. >> Emotions. That's what you're talking about. Because let me ask you, what is love? What do you love? What do you love in a man? [laughter] Maybe how he looks, how he treats me, what he does. >> First of all, looks out >> because >> No, but I can't just marry anyone. He has to be. >> So now looks looks cannot be the the the the main factor or it cannot be the reason for love. >> Do you know why? >> Let me respond to that. Let me respond to that. Looks >> because this person in the next 5 years will not be looking the same. No, no. There is a way. When we got married with my wife, she's not looking the same way she was that type. You understand? Sometimes you go back to the photos and I'm like, "Wow, this girl, you know, when she was, you understand? I wasn't looking that way." You get what I'm saying now? So looks again and then again something might even happen, changes our looks, >> accidents. >> So that means that your love was not >> true, >> was not, >> you know, it can never be on the looks. So looks we have but then listen looks are very important. >> Yes, very important. [laughter] Very very very important. >> But let me tell you something. This is it. >> When a man is not operating in his position as a man or as a husband, >> it doesn't matter how he looks, he will look angry. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> No, you never heard that. You never heard that. >> Yeah. Actually what brings the beauty of a person, the beauty of a woman, the handsomeness of a man, >> it is not the looks, it is the character. >> Mhm. >> Is actually the character. Cuz you will find a guy >> very handsome. >> You understand? Looking good. >> But sometimes when the wife looks at him, he's like, "What is this? What did I even marry? What was I what was I thinking?" M >> the looks are no more you understand you can find another guy who doesn't seem to be having all those kind of stuff you talking about all dark and handsome I don't know all kind of stuff which is also good you know six pack he has that but the guy has got character >> the wife is mly mly getting lost in that because of the way that man is treating that woman the way he's respond to that woman you know the way he's carrying her you know whenever time she looks at that guy You understand? The same thing to the woman, you know, beautiful woman looking all glorious. But if a character is bad, >> she's >> full of tandrums. She doesn't have respect, you know. So then again, looks cannot be quantified as a sign of what? A sign of love. >> Wow. >> Is that responded well? >> Yes. Uh well understood. So we are going to adjust where we can where we are supposed to adjust. >> Very important. Very important. >> Another question. Uh before Phoebe asks her question. This is very important. I was talking to my friend and she was telling me because I was telling her about a a friend of mine from high school who just lost her husband and they're very young. They have a very small baby I think one year old. So the my friend the other friend now was telling me those are the consequences of getting married early. and she said, "Mimi, I I wouldn't advise anyone to consider marriage before they 25 years old." And from my perspective, I feel like putting a specific number is what makes people feel like I am too old when I'm 30, I'm too old to get married or when I am 22, I am too young to get married. So, is there like an a specific age that makes you ready for marriage or how ready are you like at what time do you know that you're now ready for marriage? Do I look at my age or what do I look at? >> Sure. very important because again you see again marriage needs to one needs to get into marriage when he's mature >> when he's able to take up responsibilities uh because it's not about leisure you know that kind of a I love you I feel you sex someone needs to have matured a bit again it's important to marry early >> okay >> so [clears throat] look at that so basically uh 20 23 24 That would be a good >> Hey, [laughter] >> because at least because at least that person at least has mature up. >> You understand? She's able to to handle the pressure and all because again marriage comes with responsibilities. You know, you >> fall in love with this guy in the next one month again. One year down the line you have a child and so on. So now again you remember it is not only your love towards him also there's a love towards the baby you understand responsibilities now they come up because now it's not like the the old days where the wives used to now stay at home >> but now you know we we have now the the girl child empowerment >> where now actually they say that what a man can do >> a woman can do better. >> Yeah. So you find that you know both of you are also you know in the industry in the cooperative world in the business and so on and so it becomes again very important for one to first of all to to have matured there are people that mature at at early age there are others who mature even at 30 that's when the person begins to you know to have some senses in their in their in their head but then again even if somebody is at 40 I mean you're still good to go there's no age that you can say that one cannot settle down in marriage But it's important first of all let the person be mature. >> Mhm. >> Okay. So that he can be able to to do what >> how do you know someone is mature? >> Well very good question. How to know somebody's mature is how he handles the responsibilities. How he's able to handle press because let me at any given time life will always present you pressure. >> Okay. It will always present you at a given time too when people when when the the the we have the the the people or the the the students in the school they have got their own pressure at that time you understand they're dealing with this they're dealing with this then they come to a lot age there's that pressure they get then now you go to the working class there's that pressure so at any given time one must be ready have the muscles you understand to be able to handle this you get what I'm saying >> uh we also have a challenge with at this very important um of upbringing. Okay. This is something that I've seen in our society. When you have absent parents >> Mhm. >> and especially the father figure, it still contributes into your marriage >> and that's very important. >> Yeah. >> How does it contribute? You know, >> when you're growing up, you observe a lot. >> Yeah. you make a lot of observation >> how your mother and your father are relating, how they're talking to each other, how they're doing that kind of a stuff. >> Then mostly to the single uh mothers, there is always that part where if he's a is a son or he's a girl, they are missing the voice of a father. >> A mother will never have a voice of a father. >> Sometimes I hear people say, you know, I am the mother and the father. It's not possible. >> You are just a mother. >> Stop lying to us. You are just but a mother. [laughter] >> It's true. >> And you you discover that you know that son or that daughter is missing the voice of a father. >> You understand? So now when he grows up >> and gets into marriage, he begin to see the husband talking up. There's [clears throat] no man to bring out the masculinity. >> Are you getting what I'm talking about? So that becomes something of course and now that's where the the question of >> yeah it was so much you know can we get married then you stay there and I stay on this we give birth to a child you come see then I it doesn't make sense because >> how god fashioned or designed family is that family should be >> together the father should be there because there's a role of a father >> and there's a role of the mother >> of the of the mother. So that's very much important to look at their upbringing. >> What do we do to this brother or maybe this sister who it is not his mistake or her mistake, he has been brought up by >> a single man, >> parent. Yeah. >> Another one has been brought up by a single a single dad. It's important then again to seek for uh counseling as you prepare yourself to get into what into marriage because there are some things that you will need to learn. Um I I I serve and my spiritual father is bishop of the late bishop Alan and Reverend Kathy Kuna. >> So my father [clears throat] um he was raised up by a single mom. His father was still there but was not together with him. >> So what did he do for him to have a successful marriage after he grew up? He went and sought counselors, people that know about marriage and they start now speaking to him >> because if he was to carry out what he saw from his mother and his father because the father will come will come and fight. You understand? Then that means that he will go and begin to fight his wife. >> You get what I'm saying? So he had to seek for uh you know marriage counselors and so on and he ended up having one of the successful marriage in this nation as we all know. You understand? So that's again is very much important. Don't take marriage is very important actually. I know you guys you know you it's very much important. >> Why are you judging us? [laughter] >> I'm not because um a society is meant out of a family >> and you don't have a family without a marriage. Of course we have those one because somebody you know got a baby there. >> Yeah. But that's not it is not the the the society expectation or the society demand. Neither is it God's expectation and demand. God expect there to be a father and a mother and then children and that forms what >> family. >> That forms a family. You understand? >> That's why even if look for people that you can look up to. You understand? Very much important. >> Let's see how they loving each other. how they forgive each other, how they treat each other, very important so that you can be able to replicate that in your own >> in your own marriage and that becomes very important. >> Great. >> Yes. >> When it comes to marriage, um there are a lot of myths. All right. >> Personally, I I uh one myth that I know is that marriage should make you happy all the time of which it shouldn't. So to you, what is that one myth you wish people would stop believing about marriage? >> There are a lot of them. You know there a lot of them a lot of them. You know when you say marriage should make you feel happy. You it's not a matter that makes you feel happy. You make yourself to feel happy. >> You you just make it work to to feel happy. Uh the second thing is this um the myth that also people have is that uh when you come to marriage everything now and and this mostly it's to the ladies even though they we have got some bent tent these days. [laughter] >> So they think now when I when I get married when I get a man you know all my problems have ended and and and then the women have they always have that. Yeah, true. >> You really always have that. But I can tell you the truth. Get a man who does that money or you get a man who has money. >> The problem has started. >> Yeah. >> You never heard what I said. That's the beginning of the trouble because >> money is there or not. >> Whether he has money or he doesn't have money. >> That's the because these are two grown-ups that are beginning to live together. >> You understand? They've been brought up in different upbringing and backgrounds. You understand what I'm talking about now? >> So they're coming to live together and everybody is coming with an expectation. Now this is going to be in place. This is going to be in place. You know when I got married first I now >> so my wife is going to be when I come home she will hug me. She those things happened in the initial stages. You understand? >> We'll be having sex every day. You understand? [laughter] >> In the initial stages yes it's happening. After some time I start notice it's not it's no longer [laughter] it's no longer happening. You understand? So now those things that you thought are there not there. >> You must become intentional if those things are going to continue. >> Okay. >> And let me speak this uh because we're talking about marriage. >> First of all, sex is very important in a marriage. >> Okay. >> How important? >> Very important. Mhm. >> Singles they have got fire that usually dies the first, second, third week or maybe the third month >> of the marriage. >> Yes. Yes. Of the marriage. That is that is why would I say that sex is very important? Because >> sex actually in a marriage is the first thing that makes you to be married or to be termed as a couple or wife and husband >> or one thing >> because you can stay with your brother in your house and he will never be called your husband. >> Yeah. >> I can stay with my sister. She will not be called what? >> Your wife. >> Yeah. You understand? >> Yeah. True. The only thing that makes this lady to be called my wife is what? >> Sex. >> It's sex. Because we give into each other. We enter into each other. So sex has a way of uniting you, making you one and the same. People that make love often. >> Mhm. >> I talk about mar isn't it? >> Yeah. >> They will always be glued to each other. >> Mhm. This one can be well understood by the singles because they they desire that [laughter] >> the married one. >> The married one [laughter] you >> Yeah. Yeah. >> But then again, you really must make it intentional. Intentional. It makes you sometimes even to overlook most of the mistakes >> of each other. >> You understand? It does. It makes you to overlook the mistakes of each other. So the more the longer you stay away from each other without you know having the intimacy the distance begins to create >> and at some point you might to feel like you understand >> what when you say that what about the longdistant relationships and marriages >> the long you see there are some things that we create and we want them to make real we want us to want those things to become reality >> we began by saying we began by saying that What's the difference between the long distance and what she will say you know >> somebody I I have a wife that wife of mine is in Mombasa or maybe is in Dumbai I'm here >> isn't it >> but that's the thing so now when you when you you bring an artificial staff don't want us to legalize it and make it a reality it's not a reality that is an organized An organized relationship is not the real relationship. The real relationship is where the husband and the wife this is together. And if someone is working out at the country, you should keep on working and making sure that my wife is going to come and join me so that we can be together. You understand? You should push that one. You know again we have to get money because by the end of the day there is the need of a wife to a man and the need of a woman I mean a husband to to a woman. When those needs are there, what do you want me to do? >> Yeah. And you're far away >> and you you're far away. You understand? Again, you begin to create, >> you know, opportunity for the for the enemy, you know, to do things that were not supposed to be done. >> Yeah. True. >> So, we cannot because of our circumstances, you know, legalize that and say, "Ah, yeah, it's okay. It's okay. It can work." No, it would work. >> It should be known right from the beginning that a wife and a husband should stay together because that is what marriage is all about. >> Secondly, you are in abroad. I'm here. You're going to stay there for 10 years, isn't it? >> So now me, I have the responsibility of raising the children all by myself. >> Yeah. >> He's as good as I'm I'm single. >> So it doesn't work. It has no place in marriage. We are just forcing that issue. >> So it doesn't work because like I was talking about the issues of intimacy, closeness to each other. [laughter] And um I don't think we can speak about [snorts] money in marriage without speaking about the aspect of 50/50 >> because that is an aspect that very many people are coming in with. >> At times there's a point you made that when a man is providing for the family he takes pride in that. >> That's right. >> But at times you find nowadays asana the young men they don't want to be the providers. They are okay with the woman doing everything and the woman providing. So and there are people who are okay with 50/50. I do this, you do that. There's a man that will say, "Mimi, you're not going to pay any bills in my uh in my house. Yes, I'm going to settle everything." And there's also a man that is going to sit down and say, "And he didn't provide." So for you as a counselor, which one do you feel like is the best mode or is the best way to approach money in a marriage? >> Correct. Sometimes um it's very important to be very specific and then don't give options. So I'm not going to speak like I'm giving my opinion >> because then it means going to have different opinions and it loses its flavor. Number one, a man a man is the head in the family. >> All right. >> Yeah. >> A man is the head in the family is the security. He's the shelter >> in the family. So it should be known by everybody that uh a man should always take care of his own family. A man should always take care of his own own family. That is to mean >> it should take all the bills >> without being >> before you go ahead please. [laughter] >> All right. Okay. >> Uh without being assisted. >> Mhm. That should be um the desire of every >> real man. >> If you're a real man, you should desire to be the one to take because you see again it feels good >> when you are >> when you're on the top of the game. >> You know, >> that proves your manhood or it boos your your man in that house. You are the king in that house that everything it is under your control. You understand? Sometimes again even though I've said so sometimes again circumstances may not allow. So what is suppose what what what should the wife do >> when probably a man because we have got two types of people here >> or two types of men. There is >> a man that really wants to be um a real man in the family. There's another one who is actually running away from the responsibility has found somebody who can actually take care >> of the bills of the bills. again that will also be more of his upbringing because how did he end up being like that? >> Yeah. That the woman is the one providing. >> Yeah. The woman is one providing but then there's another one. It is just circumstances. >> You understand? Maybe somebody lost his job. >> Yeah. Yeah. True. >> You understand? He lost his job or maybe he was doing business and something happened. The business went down. the guys he really because you know a man that really loves to take responsibility even when he does love the little that he comes comes to his aunt he actually wants to >> give it to you >> give it out you understand so in such a scenario the woman the wife should be willing to support the guy not to pay the rent >> for him >> but to support him so that he can stand up again >> you didn't you didn't get what I said >> that's to mean Support this guy. >> If he's a career person, pray for him. Encourage him. If there's any connection you can give him so that he can get a job. You understand? If he's a business person, support him so that he can do what? >> Get back on his feet. >> Get back on his feet so that he can take care of his family. Because again, we cannot remove the fact >> in some cases you find that they there are women that are stable, >> financial stable. You understand? They can really do everything. But I can bet you it doesn't matter whether what kind of a woman she is. Every woman will always want a man to give something good. You will feel you know when when a man is doing something. So you should be willing to support your husband. >> Number one thing about a man when you are getting married to a man the first thing you should look at is his vision. >> Okay? >> His vision. What before you continue statement I want to explain >> when you say his vision >> there's someone who has nothing right now but he's telling you I want to go I want to do this and that >> are you sure we are going to [laughter] we on the same page >> all right please when I'm talking about the vision >> the man should be so clear of really what he wants to do and how to do it >> oh okay how you understand >> how is to do it should be able to speak to it. This is exactly what I want to do. Don't just say you know I want to be a businessman. I don't want to be I want to be a career person. I don't I want to build fast. How >> how do you want to bring this thing to a reality? >> He should be able to go to details and narrate his vision. >> You know the Bible says write down >> your vision. A vision is a plan. >> Yeah. >> You understand? It's a plan. It's a blueprint of what you really want to do. M >> so he is just lacking the facilitation but he has got everything planned up >> I will do this I will do this I will do this one if he's a business person he knows what kind of a business he wants to do he's not just think about any business okay you know me I already want to be a very successful businessman okay what business >> he has no idea >> any business no that means then that's not that's not a vision that's not a vision I want to be a career person >> you understand and other people are like you want to be a career purpos may have been he may have been learned but then every job he gets he doesn't even finish 3 months >> why because he's careless lazy you understand that's not vision >> that's not vision a man of a vision will be seen in whatever he's doing even at it early age or small beginnings >> the guy will be seen his passion is there understand so then you can be able to support him >> into that but he must you must be so clear of what he really wants to do in his life. >> Okay? >> Then you can be able to because now you cannot enter to a vision that doesn't exist. He must be able to share with you, open up that vision. You can see it then you can enter to support him because basically a woman should come to support >> the vision of her husband. >> You understand? That's why I say even if the guy doesn't have money but he has a vision and you somehow you are you are stable financially then you can support him to stand in his own vision and by the end of the day his vision will take care of you. It doesn't matter how much outage you are. >> Okay that's great. I see time is really flying out. So we are going to take the last questions for this segment. And yes I know you're learning and you're enjoying this conversation. I just wish we had hours and hours to go on and on and on. Anyways, yes. Over to you, Fibbe. Any question? >> Last question. Um, to a young girl like me. >> All right. >> What would you tell me one thing you you are married? One thing about marriage that I should know when I get there like I should be prepared for. >> Correct. >> A very good question. What I would I will give you maybe three. >> Okay. >> You have asked for one. >> Yeah. Please, please, please. [laughter] Yeah. Uh very important one you the number one thing you should first of all be prepared to submit. >> Okay. >> And submission does not come automatically. >> Submission will change every man. >> Yeah. But of course again you must make sure that you submit to a good man. A good man doesn't mean that looks. >> Okay. >> It also doesn't mean money. >> Yeah. >> Okay. A good man speaks about the character. >> What is he? A man of integrity. Is he a man of character? You know, is he a man that has love in his heart >> towards a woman? A man that has love in his heart will love one woman. >> Just one woman. It doesn't matter how beautiful women are around him. >> Yeah. >> If he has the genuine love, he will love just what? >> One woman. >> Just one woman. So those are things that you must be able to estimate. This is the problem. That's what people are carried by, >> you know, and that's when you make blunder. No, you need to interrogate this guy, man. >> Before you get to marry, make sure that this guy is is real. >> This guy loves from his heart. You understand? He's real. and test him, do things to provoke the guy. >> Okay? >> You understand? To provoke the guy. To what extent. But you guys, you would do that because you are even you don't want to lose him. [laughter] >> You don't want to lose him. So don't touch him. >> Yeah. >> If you don't lose him, if if if he doesn't prove this, even if you keep him at at a particular point, he will still >> Yeah. >> You still lose him. So you you really must make sure that >> you are ready to submit. >> Okay. >> Okay. You're ready to submit. Uh secondly, you make sure that you're ready to work on your marriage. >> You you really want to have a successful woman, right? >> Yeah. True. >> Work on your marriage. Nobody's going to work it for you. >> Secondly, you must stay away from the gayas. >> Yeah. >> You understand? What people say about the guy and so on and so you understand? And once you get into marriage, you must come out of the, you know, the the the the clicks that that your those girls, you know, the girls are doing whatever. >> Mhm. >> Now, get serious people that are going to walk with you in your marriage. >> Okay? >> Get serious people. Stay away from negative vibes about marriage. >> Oh, marriage is come. >> Oh, men are dogs or whatever. [laughter] Stay away from such. I'm telling you the truth. [gasps] >> Okay. >> You must guard because the moment you enter into marriage, people will most of the time people will not speak good about your marriage, about your man. >> You understand? >> Yeah. >> One time I was we were just driving with my wife and um so I dropped her because I was going to another meeting. So I dropped her a particular place he was now to to pick up a jalamat. Um and doctor then I just proceeded. Somebody I think was coming behind me saw saw me and um after after some time he he actually texted my wife say you know I saw your husband dropping standing somewhere and I tried and then actually that person called me. He called he got a good pick because I was in hurry for the meeting. So the text it was designed to show my wife >> that actually your husband >> because the way the way he stopped in a particular corner >> then after that one he accelerated and he went so speed I called and he could not do what could not pick. Yeah. >> So now my wife was laughing at it because of course she's the one that I was doing what >> I was doing and it was like okay where was that at at first? At first she was >> where was that? [laughter] Of course then she was explained that was me. >> So then she responded oh actually I was the one I was together with my husband. I was the one who was being dropped. Oh okay sorry I did not know but then looking at the conversation there it was geared to do what? >> Yeah. to break the >> to to to to bring some you know issues in my marriage. You understand? So now you must make sure that you lock your ears. Don't give your ears to the people what they are saying about your husband or what they're saying about your wife cuz now you're talking about the the poor things. Make sure that you lock to each other. Stay away from your family people starting with your father and your mother. >> Mhm. >> The marriage is never between um a bunch of people, a group of people. >> Yeah. You you you don't marry for your family. Your husband does not marry for his family. >> He marries for himself. >> Yeah. >> And so you stay away from your mother, from your father, your brothers and sisters, your friends. >> Yeah. >> Then you begin to build new friendship that are going to walk with you in this marriage. >> When you say that there's that aspect of your parents do not approve of this person even before you get married. So do you go ahead and defy what they get married to this person or should you listen to what they saying we don't like this tribe we don't like this kind that people have most of the times so what do you do about that >> because marriage is not for family marriage is for me and my wife we are the one that are marrying each other >> you you you are not going to be living with my wife it's me who is going to be leaving my wife enjoying her and then she'll be enjoying me so now your opinion don't don't matter Though sometimes maybe you can be given a very wise advice >> but again it's advice that means that your father biologically your father your mother or your brothers or your friends theirs is just what >> advice >> advice is bound to be rejected or to be >> taken >> taken. So then you look at her you can say by the way there's some truth in this or you say you guys you don't know anything about this one. So there are no parts to play. You know even when we are doing officiating a wedding last week I was doing one. >> This is what we do. We say the parents of the girl bring to her to me the girl on the stage and they bring >> the parent to the the the the glue. >> Mhm. >> Bring it to me. And then we we tell them and are you really serious and ready to release your daughter and your son so that he can get married? >> Mhm. >> They say yes. Yes. you about that. Okay. Then thank you so much. They greet each other and we dismiss them from the stage. >> That is before we do any kind of a covenant. So the covenant is going to be the first people that we begin by dismissing are the maids >> from the both side. So they dismissed. Then we also dismiss the parent and then we enter into a covenant between two people witnessed by the pastor and the best couple. That is to mean a new set of people have come in. >> Yeah. >> So all these girls, >> they don't matter right now. >> They don't matter. Your parents from both sides, your brothers, they don't matter. >> You go if there's going to be a need for the consultation, you consult. Don't consult your mother, your father, your friends. >> Yeah. Consult your best couple or consult your pastor and that way your marriage is going to work. But does it happen that that way? You know what you do? You just destroy your marriage. >> Yeah. >> Because the mother will always side with her daughter >> no matter what. >> No matter what. So you make sure that you get new people that are going to work with you. Choose people that can be able to that believe in marriage >> that believe in loving each other that believe in submission. Those are the kind of the friends now you begin to bring on the board into your marriage if you want it to do what to to be able to succeed. >> Okay. >> Interesting. Yes. So fortunately or unfortunately our time is much gone and that's where we're going to be ending this discussion for the day. And our question was, are you really ready for marriage? I'm very I I hope and I know that to Majaribu pastor has really tried to make sure that you get to understand and to get the perspectives that you need before you think that you're ready for marriage. So maybe you should answer, are you really ready for marriage after this amazing discussion that we've had here? Yeah. But now I know because he is a therapist, a marriage therapist, we can find him. If you have more questions, if you have uh you want to go on with this discussion, you can go ahead and find him and get to discuss maybe have sessions with him um get counseling if your marriage is not working out. And so I'm going to give him a chance to give us maybe where we can find him online or your contact also um how my people can get to reach to you. >> Correct. Thank you so much. And one one more time again I appreciate everybody that has glued in. God bless you. uh well you can be able to get in touch with me first of all I would want to uh invite each and every one of you uh because I'm a pastor we have our church location at Utawala airways our church is called Assembly of Faith Church in Utala Airways of course we have other branches around but that's where I'm based myself we have our services beginning from 8:00 a.m. in the morning on Sunday all the way to 10:30 first service second service from 10:30 all the way to 1:00 p.m. And you are most welcome. We usually have the counseling days that you can be able to come for counsel for prayer as well on Tuesday and on Thursdays in the office at the same premises at the church and God will bless you. uh to reach out to me. Um you can let me first of all give my social media you know as u I go by Nixon Michael Nixon Michael on on on on YouTube Nixon Michael on on on X Nixon Michael on Facebook as well. uh uh and then it's on Michael Ministry at Facebook page and then I can also give you my number so that you can be able to get in touch with me if you want to call or maybe to WhatsApp or maybe to text that is uh plus 2547 999 8741 I'll say it again plus 254 7799 8741 those are my numbers you can be able to get in touch with me and uh we'll be more blessing to you as well in Jesus name. Thank you. >> All right. You're very welcome and thank you so much pastor. We we've learned a lot um a lot of mind change, a lot of mind shift, a lot of questions that sometimes uh now we have to go sit down and re reink. >> Correct. Correct. >> Yeah. Especially since you said that we have no love to give. [laughter] So we're going to go and check what is it that we have to give. But yes, that has been an interesting discussion. Fibbe, you can tell my people where they can find you online. >> Well, you can find me on all social media platforms at Fibs. Kila Mahali at FIBS. Yeah. See you next time. >> All right. Now, we're going to take a very short break and I'm coming back with an artist. Yes. You always know that music and lifestyle is one of the favorite segments of this show. So, do not go anywhere. My good name is Eliza Kimmani. Stay tuned. Heat. >> [music]