Are Christian Parents Failing Their Kids Spiritually? | Unscripted Faith

What if your child's toughest questions about faith aren't a threat, but an opportunity? Dr. Catherine Saunders says the key isn't having all the answers, thank you Jesus, it's being willing to start the conversation. Today she shares how parents can move beyond lectures and discover faith together with their kids at any age. Dr. Catherine, welcome to Unscripted Faith. >> Thank you. Thanks so much for having me. >> We are honored to have you and let me tell you I cannot wait to get into this conversation about faith within our kids and not being afraid of not having the answers. But before we go there, share with me your God story. >> Yeah, I would love to. Well, I grew up in a small town in Southern Oregon and I grew up in a a faith based family. My my um dad was an elder at church, my mom was a Sunday school teacher and I just learned about Jesus and began to love Jesus at a really early age and then my mom ended up getting breast cancer um when I was about five and she passed away. And my dad, it was so hard. She was the love of his life. He thought he was going to be with her forever and he kind of fell apart a little bit. And you know what? Our church just basically adopted us. Um my dad was there um but the church came and loved us and cared for us. When my brother and I had the chicken pox, somebody from church said, "Hey, bring them over to my house. I'll take care of them." And every day uh somebody from church walked us to school and somebody brought us home and made sure we had a snack and our homework and they loved us through all of that and that just drew me closer to Jesus and it gave me a literal vision of who Jesus is and what that looks like when we live that out during our lives. And so then when I became a mom, I really wanted my children to have a faith that was truly their own. >> Yes. >> And that they could see, and that they could practice the way of Jesus. Uh but I began to realize that even in really loving Christian homes, you know, we can do so many good things, but still miss opportunities to ask our children, what are they thinking? You know, what do they really believe? What are they wondering about? What might they be wrestling with? And so now, all these years later, through more than 30 years in Christian ministry, I can't believe it's been 30 years, that's crazy to me. Plus my own family's faith journey. And then my doctoral work in spiritual formation, God just keeps drawing me back to the importance of listening and just honest conversation. And that journey eventually became having spiritual conversations with your kids, because I want parents and grandparents to feel encouraged and equipped to help the children that they love encounter Jesus just in the ordinary, everyday, messy moments of family life. >> Wow, your story is so powerful, and I love that it was the church, because a lot of times we don't hear that about the bride. You know, we hear these stories of trauma or pain. Oh, you know, I went through the lowest point, and they just, you know, kicked me out and knocked me down. But you truly got to experience Jesus. Like you said, it painted your picture of Jesus through these wonderful people in your church. Was there any person in particular, a singular person, that really stood out in this journey? >> Yes, you mean growing up with the church. Yeah, well, Mrs. Mauer, who she was my mother's best friend. And so when my mom passed away, it's kind of funny, cuz when you're a little kid, you don't really realize fully what's going on. Every single time there was a mother-daughter tea, a mom-and-me donuts, Mrs. Mauer would call me and say, "I'm so sad. I want to go to the to the mom-and-me donuts, but my kids are busy and they don't want to go." Well, that wasn't probably true. "Would you please be willing to go with me?" You know what? I never missed anything. She She was there for me in that mom position when I at the times when I didn't have that. And again, she was an example to me of Jesus. She just loved me, walked with me through the ups and downs growing up. And um but there were so many stories like that. I mean, Mrs. Pinocchio is the one that took us, my brother and I came and stayed with her for a week when we had the chicken box. I mean, what a blessing that was. >> Yeah, it truly is. And And only those who love deeply with the love of Christ are willing to endure a stay through the chicken box. >> Yeah, itching and cow she you know, yeah, gave us oatmeal baths and she was so sweet to us. >> So amazing. What I love is that you had this passion now to help parents like you were explaining, you know, to really have these hard conversations. Was there a specific moment or many moments maybe even as you were coming into young adult life and beginning to really look back and grapple with those tougher questions like God, where why would you take my mom when you did? Why didn't I have the opportunity? When those questions began to come in your heart, did you have someone that you could share that with or talk to that would answer your questions? >> I did. Yeah, I mean, I was close with uh again a lot of the people at church. Mrs. Mauer was one that I could wrestle with. I had a grandmother that was a deep woman of prayer. I was really blessed in that pretty much everyone in my family was very, very involved um in their church and in their faith. And so I could come to her, my grandmother, when I couldn't talk to anyone else. This was my mom's mom. And she would she would talk to me about those kind of things. And also, you know, when you're when you're a teenager, when you're growing up, you go through ups and downs. There are times when you when I walked away and then times when I would get drawn back. And she just never judged me. And this was part of how I ended up kind of thinking the way I do now with kids. She didn't shut me down. She didn't just start throwing scripture at me. She didn't tell me I was wrong. She just listened. She asked me really good questions. And then just wrestled through it with me together. Um, and and it was awesome. It just gave me such a great example of what that can look like in real life with This is why grandparents are so important because sometimes a grandparent can step in maybe and have a conversation when the parent um, can't. But I would say mostly my grandmother. >> Wow. And I love that now in the work that you're doing, that younger self is speaking through you and to you because you you experienced what it was like to have these hard questions and someone come to you with a non-judgmental tone. To come with you and listen. So, let me ask you. Our kids do come, I mean, whether they're adult and grown or little, they come to us with some hard questions sometimes. And many of us can have a knee-jerk reaction. We don't want We'll talk ABOUT IT LATER. >> [laughter] >> YOU KNOW, WE DON'T WANT TO CUZ WE'RE LIKE, OH, we're going to ruin their faith or we're going to mess them up. How would you suggest we better take on those moments? >> Well, first of all, I would say he So, in the in I do talk about 10 practices, spiritual practices, and one of them's humility. So, learning humility as a parent to to as a parent to model that for our kids, to be willing to admit we don't have all the answers. We The truth is we don't. And also share stories with our kids of, gosh, I can remember time when I wondered about this or that. You know, what that does is it creates a safe space for them then they realize oh, it's okay for me to share, you know, if I'm wondering about something. But I would say yes, we put so much pressure on ourselves as parents. We feel it we're afraid to bring the conversation up because we're afraid what if I don't have the answer and they ask a really hard question or we're afraid what if I that sort of opens a door and then it undermines my spiritual authority or our faith or our church or whatever it is. But not talking about it, silence, is not making those questions and those wrestlings go away. So if we can instead discipline ourselves to just ask questions, open-ended questions, not yes or no, and then really listen and ask more kind of clarifying questions to get it start getting a sense of what they're thinking. And the truth is you don't have to have the answers. And really with these generations, with millennials, with Gen Z, they have had access to the internet their whole lives. They're not like me when I was growing up where your my pastor or my parent said something, well, that was the truth. That was the answer. You know, you would never have questioned it or you would never have said out loud you were questioning it. I should say it that way. Well, now yeah, this these generations question everything and that's not a bad thing. I mean, in some ways they're they're curious, they're seeking, they want there's a bunch of Barna research that shows that they want to have those conversations with their parents, but they want a dialogue, not a monologue. So if you can set a space where you're asking, you're listening, and then to say, "That is such a good question. I have no idea. Let's go figure that out together." And then go talk to your pastor, talk to a trusted friend, look at scripture. I remember one time my son asked me, "What's the difference between the soul and the self?" And I thought, "I have idea. That's such a good question. So, we just explored together and ultimately we came to the conclusion that we were okay with some of the mystery of God and that well we won't probably in this lifetime know everything, but it was a wonderful journey of just exploring together. >> Wow, I love that that curious humility. Being able to sit in the unknown, to sit without the answers and you say this statement a lot, grow together. >> Yes. >> Grow together. What is beyond the humility, beyond the listening, what is the key to making sure that you do continue to grow together and not become a space of I actually don't want to take this to mom. It's going to be too much. >> Well, mostly it's the openness of not just immediately shutting them down. And also not making it feel formal or or kind of scary or complicated to kids. These conversations can and should happen in the car you know, at the breakfast table, over dinner. You know, instead of asking your kid how was your day, which you know, as you get older kids, I know you have a teen now, you're going to get the answer fine. You know, that's not super helpful. But instead like we did high low with our kids. We'd say what was something good that happened today, what was something hard. And then you can transition that into conversation about, oh gosh, you know, that's so I'm sorry that that happened. I Where do you think God was in that or what what would you think Jesus would think if he was sitting there with you when that when that happened to you? And then just listening and it just it can it can end if you just start kind of naturally. A lot of times you start with something that may not appear on the surface to be about faith, but you can easily transition. And then just doing the way of Jesus with your kids. Like taking the time to think about what do what are our values as a family and how do we live that out? like you we say these are our values but then if someone who didn't know you were to watch your family for a week would they be able to name what those values are or they just pretty much talked about and not lived out. So yeah the the idea of this is to be able to incorporate it into just everyday messy family life as you go along. >> While I love that suggestion of asking hey in this hard things when they share a low or in a high when they share that low do we will say where was God in that? I love that because it shifts their perspective and trains them to always look for him no matter what. What beautiful wisdom and advice. I am so thankful for you and thank you so much Dr. Katherine for stopping by unscripted faith. >> Oh it's my pleasure. It was so fun to be here with you today. >> So fun.