Amos and Andy: Wrong Pickup (#412)

man old man that's sharp and clear that's the absolute finest television set I ever did see well how you know that such a fine television set Andy you ain't even got it turned on don't need to turn this set on to know it's the greatest Amos just got to look at the name plate see what it say CBS oh CBS yeah that makes it the greatest sight unseen oh yeah [Music] CBS Columbia makers of CBS television and radio receivers present transcribe the ameson Andy Show written by Joe Connelly and Bob moer featuring Amanda Randolph Ernestine Wade Johnny Lee Sarah burner Jean vanderp Lillian Randolph Will Wright Roy Glenn Senor lud gluskins music Yours Truly harlo Wilcox and starring radio's all-time favorites Freeman gden and Charles Carell am and [Music] [Applause] Andy well the kingfish got a startling bit of news this week when he got home two days ago his wife Sapphire informed him that she and some of the other girls from the women's auxiliary were going away for a weekend holiday leaving her mother to keep an eye on the kingfish for the past two days they've been probing for weak spots in each other's armor without too much success right now the kingfish and Mama are at breakfast what did you say George I didn't say nothing mama I just crunching my food you well when you is crunching would you kindly try to get the criticism out of your weedies yes ma'am I try that there you go again now is you inferring the bacon is too crisp I ain't touch my bacon it's this fried egg that's cracking my teeth now see here Baldi if you think now hold it Mama hold it now hold it now before you goes into your wounded hippopotamus routine I want to tell you that this telegram come from yesterday evening at the large Hall and I forgot to give it to you I'm sorry here you well hand it over here you dummy oh it's from Atlanta Georgia mhm yeah better open it up maybe the warden comes through with your nephew's parole you don't know you just shut up that's where my sister evangelin lives go ahead open the thing oh my oh ain't this wonderful my little niece Mary Beth is coming to New York for a visit Mary Beth huh oh tell me when do she get in here she gets in lemon o'clock this morning over at the station oh dear Sapphire's out of town and I got all my weekend shopping to do George you is going to have to meet her me now wait a minute here now now look now don't give me no argument I'm going to be busy all day long shopping now John Stevens I want you to take this $20 and show her to town and have her back here sometime before supper MH you can't miss her cuz she always wears a corsage when she travels corage huh yeah all right but why do anyone have to meet her she must be a pretty big cow of a gal by now she ought to be able to find a way off the cattle car George there's an item in the paper about a gang of Mashers they've been meeting young out of town girls at the train and robbed them of everything to God yeah well I meet her but I don't think you got to worry about Mary Beth falling for no mashes what you mean well if she's anything like a older sister I ain't never see the Masher go for a girl with a goatee [Music] I there we is well I got the sign attacked on the door there yeah I got it up just in time I see Andy coming across the street hey coming into the large Hall all right I'll get over to the desk and get unconcerned if this thing work I'll have Andy beg and me to meet Mary best I'll be 20 bucks to the good oh hi King pish High hi there Brother Andy guess you noticed a sign on the door as you come in no I didn't notice nothing there well go ahead Andy notice it now no no I'll notice it later when you big dummy notice it now did you got no curiosity get up off the chair there and read the signs before I punch you in the nose all right all right wait a minute now I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or nothing I'll read the things yeah go ahead read it there Geor Stevens escort service mhm wanted handsome young men's not adverse to smooching with beautiful Rich gals High salary plenty of night work hey you know the UN Employment Office never offered me nothing like this best offer they ever give me was to pick walnuts Andy I desperate St here boy got 40 beautiful rich girls looking for escorts and I can't get new one to fill the job no fooling well say I'd make a good escort you know I'll take one of them Rich beautiful gals not so fast we run this escort service organization like an army you know do huh yeah we got to start off with your basic training first h have all in the Army you don't start off as a colonel they put you on KP and uh signs you to scrubing pots look at over my list of gals here I think I got just a pot for you too yeah I was afraid of that well I might as well get the basic training over with what's the gal's name well she's a country girl ain't it she getting in on 11:00 train over the station this morning her name is Mary Beth Miller yeah now naturally you being on basic training you don't draw no salary for this one you know it's when I hold it hold it right there kingish wait a minute I see through this escort service you was trying to get me to meet one of your wife's ugly relatives again now look and I going to tell you the honest truth you you my pal and and uh this girl I want you to meet is my mama's niece Mary Beth Miller I going to tell you and if you meet this girl and take her around town I'll pay you 10 bucks 10 bucks huh yeah $10 cash oh okay Kingfish that's a deal all right fine then now let's go down to the drugstore and cinch the thing with a cup of coffee yeah and if she's anything like Sapphire's relatives I better get me some B carpet on the side oh Mr Kingfish can I see you well we're on our way out lightning we can't stop for a second we'll see you later hold on okay I wanted to give him this telegram addressed to her mom-in-law raona Smith C George Steven I better open it up see if anything important say unable to arrive New York 11:00 today we'll call you long distance new time of arrival sign Mary Beth Miller well I hope I remember to give this to the king Fe [Music] hello Linux theatrical agency hello this is violet Ray well how's the greatest little fan dancer west of the Mississippi just fine I just got in this morning from Chicago I thought someone was going to be over here at the station to meet me well one of the boys from the show was going to pick you up you ought to be there now Violet okay but what's the pitch what's this job you got me I got my fan dance costume here in my v and I'm ready to go to work well now the fellow that's meeting you will take you up to the ran house I'll phone and give you the details later now the character that's meeting you works for the burles circuit too so you can't miss him yeah well he can spot me by the carage I'm wearing uh what's his uh hello hello oh fine he hung up let me get out of this booth here someone's going to pick me up and I don't even know who they are well at least he's a show business character they ain't too hard to spot say who's this fat guy coming along with a cigar and a derby that must be him there's a baggy pants comedian if I ever saw one uh you looking for me Big Boy hello welcome to New York [Applause] [Music] hello there I'm Freeman gazden my partner Charles Carell and I have seen the new spring line of CBS television and radio receivers and you know I can't remember when we have been so impressed these new CBS sets have new styling several very important new engineering features and prices that are unusually attractive when you see these sets at your dealers look for the CBS name plate now you may ask just how important is a name plate I say it's the most important thing on the set when it carries the name CBS CBS stands for the highest quality the greatest value it stands for years of leadership and electronic research it means that these new sets are made by CBS Columbia a division of the Columbia broadcasting system the greatest name in Home Entertainment well Andy should have picked up my cousin Mary Beth by now wonder how he made out I think I'll take a nap why King Fish say I just left the gal up at your apartment up there oh that's fine Andy uh what did she look like a real Hatchet Face huh oh no no sir she was a knockout mhm and what a walk on her I don't know how to describe it but uh she was doing all the walking but I was the one that was getting short of breath nice looking huh yes sir yeah I guess that must be Nature's way of showing Sapphire's family what a human being look like yeah yeah another thing you know she talks awful strange I think she's interested in airplanes she kept asking me how long the runway was she must fly a plane yeah and she must do a lot of flying she say something about getting arrested in Chicago for taking off too much yeah that's funny was mama there when you got up to the department no no there was nobody there I guess she was still out shopping so I told the gal to make herself at home say Andy what's that you got there oh this yeah this is the gal suitcase I forgot to take it out of the taxi when I left her off H nice looking suit kid ain't lock neither yeah yeah hey Kingfish what are you doing you ain't thinking to open it up as you well I tell you and there when relatives drop in I usual makes it a rule to go through the luggage uh you can tell from the amount of clothes that BR how long they going to stay see yeah how long they going to stay huh yeah let me open the thing up here snap these locks here holy mag look what's in here yeah from the amount of clothes she BR it looks like she's done already come and gone yeah hey look at this outfit here H I wonder what this thing was before the Moos got at of here yeah it looked to me like one of them two-piece bathing suits don't it yeah look at these things here two great big ostrich fans you wouldn't think she'd everever get warm enough wearing outfit have to Fan herself you know and there I got a funny feeling that something done gone wrong on us again here yeah but what could have gone wrong I just went over well wait a minute I'll get it I get it uh hello I have a longdistance call for Mr George Stevens uh hi is George Stevens you me go ahead now Madam John Stevens this is cousin Mary Beth uh cousin Mary be well what you do and call me long distance for when you was up at my apartment apartment cousin George didn't you get my telegram that's still down here in Georgia uh telegram yes I done miss my connections I can't get another train till tomorrow and I won't arrive in New York until day after tomorrow yeah will you and anre moment be at the station yeah I I'll be at the station but I got an idea it'll be to throw myself under the 20th century limited so long holy maela something went wrong that ain't cousin Mary Beth you picked up your big stupid dummy no now who in the world is that girl you got up to the department there well look at this picture I found in her suitcase got rid on their Violet Ray The Bouncing baby of burles holy smokes handy what's Mama going to say when she get home from shopping and finds that g in the apartment yeah you better Act Fast Kingfish cuz when Mama finds that gal up there she going to give a coming out party for your brain [Music] oh oh here my apartment I hope I got here before my mom-in-law and and is still got my key too open up you in there open up quick all right all right what's all excitement now look uh uh uh there's been a terrible mistake uh you ain't supposed to be here what you talking about uh the fell who met you you at the station was supposed to pick up my cousin Mary Beth from Georgia not you you mean juicy JS wasn't with the burles show no no it was a terrible mistake well how do you like that when he picked that cigar butt out of the gutter I thought it was trying to get a laugh no now look now look Miss bouncing baby you got to get out of here fast my mom-in-law is out shopping if she ever find you here she'll never understand well all right Chum if you insist yeah come on your your suitcase is down at the large Jo put on your dress this is my dress oh oh oh all right let's go okay oh look here's an old lady here at the door with a lot of bundles now look Grandma whatever you're selling we don't want any I got to get this girl out of here before my mother-in-law catch GE Stevens so Sapphire leaves town and I catch it with this woman the first day but mama you see John Stevens what do you intend to do about this there's only one thing I can do Mama allow me to present you up with Violet rid The Bouncing baby of bur [Music] left see there andy I missed you at your large meeting last night where was you oh I was paying a little social call on Madam Queen yeah what on Earth you doing that for why Madam Queen has got one of them new CBS full Fidelity television sets you're so right Andy when it comes comes to the very finest in home entertainment Nothing Compares with the new CBS full Fidelity television receivers these are the most advanced receiving instruments ever built they give you the biggest brightest 21in picture in all TV that's CBS full Fidelity site with an aluminized picture tube an expanded screen a filtered safety glass a superpowered chassis and feature upon feature to deliver a picture that's a joy to behold and with perfect sight comes perfect sound famous CBS 360 full Fidelity sound here is the Magnificent sound system that uses a specially designed amplifier and not one but two matched deep ConEd speakers they face in opposite directions and Surround you with clear sparkling sound such as never came out of a TV set before switch it on and the whole room plays this is CBS full Fidelity television completely faithful to both Eye and Ear everything looks better everything sounds better yet the CBS full Fidelity TV receivers don't cost any more than ordinary sets often less as a matter of fact see and hear for yourself at your CBS Columbia dealers [Music] [Applause] tomorrow yeah Emma Sapphire got back today and she and her mama went right from there to the domestic relation ation court and we all got to be there at 2:00 yeah well Andy can't you and this your Violet R gal testify that it was all a mistake well I'm going to try to but calhon done advised against bringing this viol Ray into court yeah he figured that she'd make a bad witness huh oh yeah he say when that gal sacheted up to the witness chair the judge would give the kingfish life on that walk alone yeah [Music] Mr calhon the court will again have to ask you to refrain from sticking your tongue out at Mrs Smith while she's on the stand oh yes Yanna all right proceed Mr Smith well Yan when I come back from shopping I caught my son-in-law coming out of the apartment with this burles hzy well that's all Mr Smith now Mr Steven I wonder if You' take the stand just a minute youan just a minute I Al Gunn J Calon demand to be heard I has an important point to make here in defense of my client Mr Calhoun will hear from you later yeah but I later Mr calhon yes now Mr Stevens yes your honor uh I know you were away at the time this incident with the burlesque dancer occurred but have there ever been any similar incidents in your married life well there was oneor I demand to be H I have a point to make for my client that is so important it'll change the whole CL Mr Calhoun will hear from you later but you later now Mrs Stevens what was this incident you were about to tell us well we had to give up our membership in the country club on account of the way my husband acted up at the Club one day I found my husband with his arms around another woman no he claimed he was teaching her how to play golf well possibly he was teaching her to play golf in a telephone booth your honor yes I uh I see your point Mr Stevens that'll be all now I believe we can hear the important Point Mr Calhoun had to tell the court Mr Calhoun we're ready for your important point Mr calhon oh would someone wake up the council for the defense so we can proceed with the case Calon wake up wake up come on wake don't hit me officer I ain't no bum I just come to the park to feed the pigeon calhon Calhoun you was in court you dummy oh oh oh not guilty you honor Mr Calhoun this is the case of Stevens versus Stevens oh oh yes yes now Mr Calhoun what was the important point you wish to make well you honor I say that the kingfish is innocent this man has never done anything wrong this man is clean look at his face this this say Kingfish you wouldn't want to plead guilty would you oh dear Mr Stevens just what explanation do you have for your conduct well you see the whole thing was a mistake y you see I sent my friend down to the station to pick up my cousin from Georgia and he done picked up this your burs Queen by mistake haa your your honor I object to that haha this old jackass is heha against my CL yes Mr Smith if you please this is a court law oh I just that I can't stand to see a man lying it was no mistake he knew my niece wasn't coming there's a telegram that we done introduces evidence yeah but J I didn't know about the telegram you see the janitor at the large H forgot to give it to me and I got my friend Mr Brown over here to prove it oh Mr Brown e very well now Mr Brown are you prepared to swear to this under oath yes joh I is and lightning is here to tell about the telegram too m H well this puts quite a different light on the case your hna yes Mr calhon your hna on behalf of my client I just want to say one thing this whole thing is the fault of this woman here my client's mother-in-law she jumped at the nastiest kind of conclusion she done turn Mr Steven's wife against him she has accused him falsely she has broke his poor heart damaged his reputation injured his pride and dealt a mortal blow to his soul you honor this woman is a mean old tomato well I'm inclined to agree with counselor's opinion if not with his legal phraseology just a minute your honor you ain't letting this weasel get away with this Mrs Smith The Domestic Relations Court sees no valid reason for action against Mr Stevens I think it's to the best interest of all parties concerned to forget the whole matter as soon as possible case to [Music] Smith a nice way King Fe yeah congratulations King Fe oh thank you boy thank you see there sappire like the judge say your mama always trying to make trouble for me she done accuse me falsely yeah well maybe so George but just the same we is keeping our eye on you from now on yeah you know the old saying where there smoke there's fire and at your age Baldi you looks about ready for spontaneous [Music] combustion yes sir am Sapphire and the mama fathers the Kingfish every place he goes to see that he don't look at no gals yeah well where's the kingfish now Andy well this is the day that cousin marbeth gets in from Georgia so he went down to meet her himself this time they want somebody to meet marbeth on account of that Masher gang that the police say is picking up country gals and robbing them yeah well with the kingfish going down there himself I guess there ain't no danger him picking up the wrong G this time no [Music] well I am terribly sorry Miss but when I see you standing there with the corsage and the straw suit kiss I thought you was my cousin Mary Beth from Georgia well when you first came up to me I I thought you were one of those Mashers praying on out of town girls I was just about to Signal a detectives to pick you up yeah well imagine me mistaken a police woman in Disguise for my cousin yeah that's a good one miss well I guess this disguise all right Baldi we caught you in this Hy red-handed yes George me and my mythology so you're up to your own tricks again just a minute here oh I fix you your home record where is my umbrella take this your H and this and this George why is this has it blowing a police whistle yeah what's going on here mama the husy that you just finished assaulting on the head here happens to be a police woman what see in jail Mama yeah [Music] [Applause] [Music] and here is a special little scene with Andy and the kingfish say Kingfish why is you sitting there with your hands on top of your head well uh this is my homework in taking a mail order course in phenology that's the science of reading a person's mind from the bumps on his head oh that's ridiculous Kingfish I ain't got no thought so big that they raise bumps on my head well let me demonstrate to you and now just think of something that you want real bad okay I was thinking uh you sure you is now Andy I can uh yeah I can feel the bump Sprout out now this year is called the bump of desire it means you desires to own a brand new 21in television set and next to that bump is the bump of judgment that say that this new set has got to be a CBS television set and nothing less now this great big bump right here that's the bump of laser this that means that you was tired of twiddling around with them little Tuna knobs and you uh don't want to bend down and squint at the numbers no more you wants that new sweep tuning that's on the CBS television sets the laziest tuning there is Kingfish so far you was hitting them bumps of mine right on the head now steady boy I got some more bumps here this bump here says expanded screen meaning the biggest 21in picture in TV this bump here said aluminized picture tube meaning the brightest picture in TV this bump here says filtered glass eliminate the eye Strand and reflection that you get on ordinary screen and this one here that's the bump of economy say why pay more when you can get all these on CBS television sets at the happiest price in all TV come to think of it Andy a man with these kind of bumps has got a mighty fine head on his [Music] shoulders well folks we'd like to say good night now for our sponsor CBS Columbia manufacturers of America's most advanced radio and television receivers thank you and good night see you next [Music] [Applause] Sunday be sure to be with us at the same time next Sunday for the am and Andy Show transcribed and directed by Cliff how tonight's program was brought to you by CBS Columbia manufacturers of full Fidelity television receivers and for a real treat in TV entertainment tune in life with Father presented every week by CBS Columbia over the CBS television network see your paper for time and station now stay tuned for Army Brooks which follows immediately over most of these same stations a [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]