Amos and Andy: The Kingfish's Mother-in-Law Kicks Him Out (#413)

studa Baker winner of the 1955 mobile gas economy run Grand sweep Stakes brings you Amos and [Music] Andy and Andy Show written by Joe Connelly and Bob moer transcribed and featuring Ernestine Wade Johnny Lee Amanda Randolph Roy Glenn senior lud gluskins music Yours Truly Hara Wilcox and starring radio's all-time favorites Freeman gden and Charles Carell am and Andy [Applause] [Music] contrary to public opinion it's not all squabbling and fighting at the home of George Kingfish Stevens his wife Sapphire and her mother for instance tonight the family has gathered around the piano for a musical evening of vocalizing I see smiling face a [Music] [Applause] [Music] and me and Mama makes we happy [Music] in that was very nice wasn't it yeah wasn't bad Harmony considering the fact that we had to carry old gravel throat with us [Music] there I wouldn't say nothing if I was you with your obnoxious obligado you couldn't find the right key if you as a desk clerk in a two room Hotel George that's enough Mama's got a beautiful voice well she'd be a lot better off if she'd put the soft pedal on that basso disgusto of hers you sound like a peak stuck in a hog Waller now look George this is the last straw I'm sick and tired of you talking to Mama that way I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave you afraid you're going to ask me to leave well that is a laugh haha if so happens this is my home and I has the legal right to reside therein and when I is here in ain't nobody going to throw me there out whosoever is that so ball yeah sir nobody put me out big mouth cuz this is my home and a man is King and his own domain daughter would you mind opening the door while I abdicate the Duke of Windsor here I wait a minute y hold it Mama hold it there's the door Mama now for you sonin-law mama let go of my cool let go of my trousers help out on the land now watch it mama there's six place of stairs there Tim help help [Music] I'm getting more distance daughter this time he went right through the vesu [Music] door so your mom-in-law done throw you out the apartment again huh yes and there's 89 steps to the street the ones I didn't catch with my head I got with my sacred ALC yeah well them is two beautiful lumps you got on your Noggin there very hood and with that bald head of yours looks like a camel squatting down in the sand Doom well I going to fix sire for this though I ain't going to callau up I threw with her I going to let her suffer yeah well explain to me how you going to fix her now go ahead well now listen Andy every time she do something like this she regret it while she's sitting up there in the apartment right now crying eyes out about me yeah and you going to give her the silent treatment huh oh certainly I going to give her the silent treatment you got to treat a woman like a hound dog hey you be nice to them and they ain't no good you treat them me and they come around licking your hand beging for fevers oh now wait a minute I don't know about that you know we had a hound dog and Papa was always treating it mean M but the dog was always begging to get on Papa's lap then one day Papa give in and we found out why the dog was begging to get up there all those years he bit Papa right smacking the neck oh no s I know my women I tell you I know them like a book saire be calling me up saying oh you got to come back to me oh you got a I was heartbroken please George please oh George holy smoke if she going to carry on like that when you go back you better take a net with you you're pretty sure of yourself ain't you oh you will see Anna she'll be calling me she'll come crawling like a hound dog she do she I'll give yeah like a hound dog U hello oh hey Kingfish Rover is on the phone see there andy there something for you I told her she'd call me up and that's what she done done yeah yeah she done call oh I knows my women watch me toy with her give me the phone I'll play with her like a cat with a ball of string here listen to this well woman now that you is called me I guess you is is uh uh uh uh what's that you don't need me you got a job the moving van do what my clothes out in the street bag and baggage seeing the judge yeah I I I'll get him then yes Rover I mean yes ma'am yes yes ma'am what happened Kingfish is the moving people going to help her climb up in your lap no any she say she going to throw my things out in the street and sue me for separation you know Kingfish I've been thinking here her throwing you out all of a sudden like this uh do you think by any chance maybe she's interested in another man what and my way of interested in another man when she got me H look at Man look yeah turn around you look at me yeah I look at yeah women has always been crazy about me I got charm I got personality I got good looks hey you know the old saying if you builds a better mous trrap the world will be the path to your door or sappire trying to Bluff me down oh I sure her I'll go up there pack my clothes and get out of there I'll sure come on you can give me a hand up at the place come on go up there with me yeah well Kingfish I've been thinking here you know I know it's true about the better mou strap and everything but at your age Sapphire might just be looking for a fresher piece of cheddar oh [Music] yeah well come on in Department a it yeah look like there ain't nobody home guess sapphires out working on that new job she say she got huh yeah yeah Hey where's your clothes and stuff well I ain't got much stuff here and most of us here in this whole closet uh let me get in here I'll just get my my H lot of boxes in there Ain it there sure is hey look at this one Benson's men's store and this one here Esquire men's shop open that one there what is in them boxes they open up some of them there say all these boxes has got men's clothes in them Kingfish and they brand new too yeah what would saire be doing with men's clothes in the closet here well it look like there's presents for somebody they must be $3 $400 worth of stuff here holy molander Sapphire bought all these presents to give to some man Andy you was right it looked like she' done found a better mouse trap yeah King Fish and it looked like she done run into a pretty romantic rodent oh [Music] yeah Mike Wallace reporting again studabaker wins the mobile gas economy run Grand sweep Stakes yes for the second straight year the contest Board of the American Automobile Association has officially named studabaker the grand sweep Stakes Winner in the famed mobile gas economy run here's proof of stud Baker's economy where it really counts on the open road this year's mobile gas economy run took three days and covered 1323 Mi it covered every kind of Road between Los Angeles and Colorado Springs desert Mountains open highway traffic filled cities 22 Great American cars were entered representing every price class all were equipped with automatic drive and stud maker once again one over them all with a record of 58.6 T miles per gallon an astounding 27.4 actual miles per gallon remember the mobile gas run is The Proving Ground for the whole automobile industry's engineering skill it's the coldblooded impartial test of gasoline mileage and again stud Baker's gas saving engineering scored a sweeping Victory again stud Baker proved itself America's number one economy car see the mobile gas sweep Stakes Winner see stud Baker the car that leads them all improved gasoline economy get all the facts at your studabaker dealer and get this stud Baker is now Priced Right Down with the lowest yes low in cost low in upkeep the Smart car to buy is stud Baker again the mobile gas Grand sweep Stakes [Music] winner uh you sent for me Mr Brooks yes Mrs Stevens come in you know for a woman who's had no previous experience I must say you're doing a fine job for us here at the department store oh well thank you but you know I don't quite understand the purpose of my job why do I go around to other department stores and buy so much merchandise well Mrs Stevens you're what we call a comparative Shopper by having someone shop in our Rivals stores we can get a pretty good line on the competition we'd like it all kept on the quiet though I see well I bought all the items on the list yesterday two pairs of men's shoes a tuxedo a fedora socks and the other accessories of course most of the things are in different sizes oh you bought them in different sizes well that doesn't matter well I did just what you told me I took all the clothes home and they're in my hall closet When shall I bring them to the store oh no no we don't want you to be seen coming in the store with merchandise I'll tell you what I'll drop around at your place later in the afternoon and pick them up [Music] myself Kingfish explain to me again why you got all these men's clothes from the CL it spread out on the sofa here well then I want to find out what do boyfriend of South eyes look like and I going to be able to tell from the size of his clothes and shoes what kind of a physique he got might be somebody I know you know yeah that's right you can get a pretty good picture of them from the clothes all right well Andy we'll start here with the shoes let me see these tan shoes here H he wears a size 6 and A2 yeah but hey look at these evening slippers here they are size 10 this boy's feets must really swell up at night yeah he must be on his feet a lot yeah well at least we know he don't work for the government we ain't learn Too Much from the shoes is we no let's go on here what's this your thing in the bag here hit here's a pair of brown socks here look here yeah and look at there size 13 yeah if he jams them size socks into them 6 and A2 shoes he gets a nice lap over there yeah we lap over there either that and or this boy has tools curled up on him like the front of a toboggan or something like that yeah well I don't know what this Fell's got but I don't think it's his Feats that attracted Sapphire wait a minute Andy here's a sport shirt uh you get a better picture of from the shirt you see let's hold this thing up here mhm wait a minute let me look at the size here let's see h size 14 and 1/2 yeah well that hold it Kingfish hold it here's the evening shirt there this is size 18 and A2 seems like after Sundown this boy bloes up all over doing it yeah he sound like he got the all over gout holy smoked Kingfish look at this Fedora he got a size N9 and 3/4 head man and he got a size 6 and 1/2 ft 9 3/4 head and I think we better look for a boy that falls down a lot you know Kingfish with that 40 lb head of his and that waddle on Sapphire they must make a pretty unbalanced couple don't If Ever I get my hands on this man I going to rip him yeah wait a minute wait a minute the door the door the door ready B get the door too early if a sapphire coming home from the job probably as a mama I going to tell that old lady what I think of her daughter come on Andy listen to this now listen here you old to uh uh uh oh uh can I help you Mr this is the Stevens residence isn't it uh yes sir that's right uh what can I do for you sir well I've come for the clothes uh the clothes that's right the clothes Mrs Stevens bought for me yesterday clothes Mrs Stevens bought for you uh uh uh excuse me a minute uh come over here in the corner Andy come on over you yeah tell me this you think it's him Ander I think so Kingfish look at him it's only 2:00 in the afternoon and he's pretty well bloated up already he a big fellow already yeah wait a minut I tell you what I going to do and I going to see if I can appeal to his better nature here yeah appeal to that go ahead say what is all this oh M does you happen to know that Mr Stevens has a husband well yes but it doesn't make any difference at all at our organization organization holy maandy you hear that yeah they got a union now you looking now look now look here I'll fix you you big take this Timber King Fish you done throw the fell down the stairs I ain't threw with it yet Andy give me them clothes I'm going to take them down and throw them in furnace that's what I [Music] going well finished burning up the clothes in the furnace now I'll wait here to Sapphire get home hm I'll tell her uh mom I'm home are you George Stevens what are you doing here woman I have been waiting to talk to you I want to tell you something now look George you and I are finished I don't want to talk to you now you look at here I've been here all afternoon you was here all afternoon well did the man come from the department store for the clothes yeah they the they the the the the the department store yes clothes yes that's my new job I buy clothes for the department store they were in the hall closet and my boss Mr Brooks was going to pick them up there was over $300 worth in there well goodbye Sapphire George where are you going now down to join a tuxa in the furnace what yes and if it gets a little stuff in here in the next few minutes don't worry about it it's only me that's why Mike Wallace again once more the winner is studabaker for the second straight year studabaker has won the mobile gas economy run Grand sweep Stakes award stud Baker's Mobile Gas sweep Stakes record 58.6 T mil per gallon a remarkable 27.4 actual miles per gallon authenticated by contest Board of American Automobile Association remember this the mobile gas run is America's toughest official economy test for cars and again stud maker won it yes here's the Thrifty car to drive stud Baker's smooth functional Road design with less wind drag and stud Baker's Action Power engines work together work to give stud Baker lots more travel on every tankful that's true on hills and highways through deserts and cities as the mobile gas run proves and this great economy winner is the style Setter too Studio Baker performance is absolutely breathtaking and listen to this stud Baker is now Priced Right Down with the lowest yes anyway you measure value here's the Smart car to buy find out for yourself visit your stud Baker dealer and see all that studabaker has to offer it's the home of the mobile gas sweep Stakes Winner home of the really smart car Buy [Music] oh me Calhoun you got to help me this is the worst mess I done ever been first time that I ever hit anybody in my life why did I have to pick Sapphire's boss oh it's terrible Sapphire never speak to me again oh me why did I have to get jealous over nothing again calhon when the man ask for his clothes back what is I going to do wow that's simple give them to him yeah but I done burn them up that makes it a little harder yeah but the world saying what's he going to do when he finds out I was the one that hit him oh then he he don't know who hit him huh no he never seen me before in his life but I understand he got out one of them John do warrants to have me arrested for assult and batter well uh maybe you could get the man to think somebody else hit him yeah I might do that but how is I going to get to someone else to think that he hit the man well the only person to pull something like take that on would be would be say this is a great idea you got here boy you know I could convince Andy that he done slug Mr Brooks yeah I'll go over and talk to the boy right away Calhoun you know when he in a spot you is really a quick thinker oh yeah always has been well just last week I was driving out in the country breathing long about 60 M an hour and then all of a sudden up ahead I see this little pig run out in the road well right then and there I realized I only had two choices to make I could hit that poor little pig or I could run off the road and smash my expensive automobile well I I looked at that poor little piggy and I didn't hesitate for a minute and Kingfish I made the only choice I could make well that was really something calhon by the away Kingfish could you use about 30 lbs of pork [Music] sausage say kingrey explain to me again about me being the one that hit Mr Brooks yesterday what is that again well like I tell you any uh you done slug the man up in my apartment knocked him right down the stairs well now how come if I hit a fell that I I don't remember nothing about it well land the only explanation is that you was in such a blind Ridge that you completely forgot what happened yeah oh things like this happen to prize Fighters all the time it's what they refers to in the fisticuff circles as top blowing Amnesia or punch drunk heie jibes you see or Jack demp had it all through the fur pole fight he did huh oh yeah when fpo knocked him out of the ring out into the audience Dempsey didn't know what was going on he sat down in the ringside seat bought herself a hot dog and turned to the fell next to him and said who's fighting tonight bub listen King listen here is you trying to tell me that I could have a fight knock a fell downstairs and not remember it yes Andy the medical explanation is that when you gets mad the adrenal gland starts pumping adrenaline through your system it rushes to your head and well the next thing you know you was sitting there with a snoot full of adrenaline that's what you got I is huh oh yeah and before you knows it it starts soaking into your brand like brand in a fruit cake all of a sudden you go and you black out and start slugging holy Mao I really hit that fell huh oh yeah and uh well what made you spring your Sprocket was when the fell wanted to hit me that's when you got mad oh yeah I got mad huh oh mad your eyes really popped out of your sockets boy no fol yeah look like somebody squeezing two tubes of bloodshot toothpaste yeah you fed once with your left and then you br up the uppercut right off the floor and that boy took off over the banister like a saber jet holy smoke my pancreas really must have been pinging I don't remember nothing like that oh you was a terror Ander I think the crown and blow was when you picked up the clothes and run down the basement throw them in furnace well throw the clothes in the furnace oh yeah and oh I understand Notre damn football team do that sometime after a tough Victory oh after one big game the opponents left the stadium and the BVD is cat that must have been some fight if I done that oh great fight Andy great fight and like to say in the fight game two to Victor go to spoils oh yeah oh sure yeah so just drop down to the police station pick up the warranty got for you for salt and battery and I'll see you later and yeah well well I'll get right down there and I uh salt and b r oh yeah Andy just one of them things you might have to pay for the clothes serve 10 or 15 days in jail but while you were sitting in the clink you will have the consolation knowing you fought a good fight well I guess if I done them things I got to pay for them after all I well how is your fellas hi Amos well hello Emma say Emma walk me down to the jail house will you I got to give myself up uh give yourself up yeah oh excuse excuse me boys I just remember I got to run down five my income tax I'll be back yeah go ahead go ahead wait a minute King Feast don't leave here now wait a minute uh is this guy anything to do with that Brooks fella that you hit yesterday Kingfish oh no no amamos I hit him I had the blind rage now look and the kingfish hit him he is just trying to blame it on you Kingfish I feel that adrenaline snapped at my liver again now look Andy wait a minute now unclench your fist there now now wait a minute now wait a minute I going to tell you the truth now tell me something I had to do it to now look here I is in terrible trouble if my wife finds out that I is the one that hit her boss we'll be finished forever and I I'll never be able to get back with my wife again and I ain't got $300 to pay Mr Brooks for the clothes that burned up neither yeah well that was a dirty trick to pull you shouldn't have tried a thing like this well now look King Fish you was in trouble now we down at the large Hall going to see if we can't help raise the money for you yeah oh thank you boys and I tell you one thing thing if my wife takes me back I ain't never going to fight with her again or Mama again I knows how to handle women now you got to flatter them no matter what they say you got to tell them they is right yeah you right there oh yeah he was from now on I going to turn their heads with flattery I going to turn them with kindness well King Fish if I was living with them two old goats I'd want to turn their heads all right all mine [Music] sa and me and Mama makes a three we happy in heav oh that was beautiful mama just beautiful mama never sung more beautiful did you sire alling well Mama I thought you was just a little bit off key what nonsense I never sing off key must have been you dear now mama I never sung off key in my whole life now now girls Little Darlings let's not have any of this will you keep your big mouth shut when I'm talking to my daughter yes George must you always bud in well I was just trying to avoid a fight here how dare you accuse us of fighting yes Baldi what are you you a troublemaker well now with a minut don't you shout it mother I'll fix him let go mama let go me no no not to stairs again shall we go back sappire yes Mama daughter yes Mama if you please [Music] we thre out the we're happy in this is arold Wilcox reminding you that's stud Baker winner of the 1955 mobile gas economy run Grand sweep Stakes has brought to you Amos and Andy and stud Baker suggests that you tune in this CBS radio station each evening Monday through Friday for the amamos and Andy Music Hall you'll hear amamos and Andy at their very best plus interviews with famous guests and lots of good popular music your local newspaper will give you the time of the Amos and Andy Music Hall so remember to tune in and enjoy the fun and music and laugh with a and Andy yes that's right folks every evening Monday through Friday on this CBS station thank you and good night see you tomorrow night on the Music [Music] Hall be sure to be with us at the same time next Sunday for the Amon Andy Show transcribed and directed by Cliff H now stay tuned for Army Brooks which follows immediately over most of these same stations [Applause] la [Applause] [Music]