Amos and Andy: Romeo and Juliet (#409)

[Music] say Amos what is the greatest name in Communications the Columbia broadcasting system Andy well how you like that that's the network we is on you [Applause] said the Ames and Andy Show written by Joe Connelly and Bob moer transcribed and featuring Johnny Lee Amanda Rand Ernestine Wade Shirley Mitchell Roy Glenn Senor L gluskins Music Yours Truly harlo Wilcox and starring radio's all-time favorites Freeman gazden and Charles Carell Amos and [Music] [Applause] [Music] Andy thank you ladies and gentlemen I am Charles Carell today Sunday February 20th is a very special special day it is heart Sunday perhaps you have already welcomed your heart fund volunteer who called today and if so thank you and congratulations for your contribution if not your local newspaper will give you the exact address of the American Heart Association in your locality if you haven't already given please do remember your newspaper will give you your local heart fund address well the George Stevens's have been getting out in society lately as a matter of fact tonight the kingfish his wife Sapphire and his mother-in-law are returning from a party at the home of the Cyrus van wentworths well well lovely party wasn't it girls I really done enjoyed myself George Stevens you is a married man how dare you go to a party and enjoy yourself you bum now we a minute the way you was carrying on honest it was disgusting was it Mama I'll say I saw the way he was eyeing that young Miss Johnson and that off the shoulder dress oh no no I can explain that you see someone say the dress was made out of one of them synthetic materials they say the whole thing was made out of coal and I was just intered made out of coal huh you should have seen the way you was eying her you look like John L Lewis making a m inspection it's just disgusting the way you act at parties always chasing the young girls me chasing them huh well I can't help it if the women's find me handsome handsome look at you there with them watery eyes and the sandbags under look like old man we about to slop over the Le I never seen anybody make a spectacle of your like you done to that party now listen what about your own daughter D she just is that dangerous age the age when women either starts getting interested in men or giving tea parties and I ain't see the bag of Orange Pico around this house for the past 6 months Sapp is you going to let this baggy eyed weasle talk to you like that you're right Mama George Stevens I ain't going to have no man stay in this house and talk to me like that now you can just pack your bags and get out of this house all right if that's the way you want it I'll go I'll disappear Beyond the Horizon like a sinking Sun I'll drift away like the whisp of a cloud On a Winter's day I'll fade away like the homeless W to some far off distant Shore you understand what I mean yeah I'll call the Flop house and make you a reservation [Applause] well the kingfish moved in with Andy and he's been there a week it's the longest separation in his marriage and right now Andy is trying to pull him out of the dumps listen Kingfish I don't see why you sitting around with the melancholic you is well rid of sapphire she never done nothing but make you miserable all your life knew any she done made me miserable but I still feel an emptiness in my heart a a loneliness in my brain and sort of a vacancy in my life you is huh and it's like a hound dog that's done had fleas all his life and done been DDT even though those fleas is gone you still find yourself itching and scratching in the old familiar places you well you know something this ain't the first time she done throwed you out you ought to forget about that woman and you right as much as I miss Sapphire this time I going to show oh yeah oh yeah I going to get out and make new friends sure that I can get along with other I going to launch a new career for myself I going to launch a new life I going to launch a hey Kingfish wait a minut would you mind holding up that launch till I opens the door how you do my name is alvara gaspie yeah well I sorry I don't want to buy no I ain't interested in taking no I I I ain't uh uh [Music] hello I'm looking for Mr Andrew H Brown yeah well I is Andrew H Brown Miss gillesby no no it's Mrs gese well he ain't home Mr Brown I don't think you understand I don't huh no I'm Mrs EJ Gillespie the co-chairman of the annual Lennox Avenue Easter ball it's a masquerade this year oh yeah yeah that's tomorrow night yeah I read about that in the paper uh won't you come in oh thank you oh I didn't know you had company oh yeah excuse me excuse me I uh this is my friend and cohor George Kingfish Stevens how'd you do Mr Stevens yeah well uh what can we do for you well Mr brownan our masquerade is for charity and I wondered if you was going well the tickets is only $5 $5 mhm yeah well uh it's kind of short notice uh don't give me much time to line myself up no feline companionship you know and it ain't no fun sitting out the dances with yourself well Mr Brown the Masquerade is for charity and just everybody's going men and women whether they have their scorts or not there'll be plenty of unattached girls there to dance with unattached girls well uh that is if you don't mind dancing with strangers h one dance with me sister and we ain't strangers no more oh that's fine here's your ticket Mr Brian yeah thank you and how about you Mr Stevens will you take a ticket no no no I wouldn't go to nothing like that no oh come on Kingfish you say you needs to get out and meet new people no no I sorry oh but Mr Stevens a distinguished looking man like you will be such a credit to our fa oh no a man of your charm and culture no really am I so attractive well I the thing I told I don't well here's the $5 oh that's fine you see everybody's going as a famous character in history famous character uh-huh Mr Brown suppose you went as julus Caesar and your friend here is Romeo yeah yeah that sound like fun Julius Caesar and Romeo hot dog that's it well see at the D to and a couple of toodles to you hey know Andy we might not have a bad time with this masquerade oh sure but listen Kingfish I want to ask you something I done hear to this Romeo before but uh who was this fell Julius Caesar boy you got ignorance coming out your ears ain't you I surprised that J everybody knows who Julia Caesar was I do now look at me this time and get it in your head will you yeah okay go ahead he was the famous Greek who dropped the Apple off the Leaning Tower pinza well uh what good did that do what good did it do it shows you how to make applesauce yes like I say I'm Mr EJ Gillespie co-chairman of the Linux Avenue East EAS ball tomorrow night we'd love to have you attend Mrs Stevens oh I don't know Mr Gillespie I've been so upset during the past week oh daughter it'll do you good to get out like that all our friends will be there and like Mr gisby says it's for charity and it'll do you good to get out and forget that George Stevens it's a big Affair and if you want to dance there'll be plenty of charming gentlemen for you girls to dance with oh no I don't girls well I you how much is the ticket $5 a piece well here's the money but uh tell me if this is a masquerade what would me and my daughter wear well everyone's going as a historical character Mrs Smith uh suppose you went to somebody like uh Cleopatra and uh your daughter here let's see suppose she went as um well let's say uh Juliet Juliet yes we'll just have to see if we can't find you some dashing Romeo to dance with oh Mom I bet we'll have fun [Music] fun daughter get out the vitamin pills this is going to be my biggest night out since the boys come home from the Spanish American wall [Music] everybody likes surprises that is Pleasant ones it's those unpleasant surprises that are the bane of existence one sure way to guard against those unpleasant surprises is regular purchases of United States savings bonds keep United States savings bonds to maturity and you've collected 3% guaranteed interest no strings attached and no risk [Music] boy there show is a lot of people at this masquerade here tonight ain't they Kingfish let's look around and see if we can spot a couple of cuties yeah take it easy Dan uh see any one we know well it's hard to tell with everybody wearing masks say how does my costume look do I look like Julius Caesar yes and I notice you got that bad sheet wrapped around you there like a Roman toga there yeah well you look pretty good as Romeo there only thing in them tights your B legs kind of spoils the Romantic effect you look like the nearsighted chicken to try to hatch out the soccer ball well I guess I is a little shank sprung here but all in all we makes a pretty Snappy looking pair oh yeah matter of fact I Kingfish speaking of cuties look at them two old gals in the mass over by the punch ball well you mean the big fat one dressed like uh cleopetra I guess and the skinny one supposed to be Juliet or somebody yeah Mrs Gillespie told us there was going to be unattached women's here but them two old hags has fallen apart you know what yeah look at him there oh yeah yeah they just waddled into the light holy mael so that's Cleopatra the Queen of Egypt she looked like a mummy Dam Egyptians forgot to embomb yeah hey get a load of the profile on that thin one Kingfish did you ever see anything as skinny as that if it wasn't for that goer she wouldn't have no shape at all yeah and you really SE them say that a thing like this you really [Music] do oh mama a't this a wonderful party just everybody's here lovely daughter just lovely why I don't know when I daughter what is it Mama will you look at them two men over there Oh you mean the one with that crazy sheet around them and the other one in Tights yeah [Music] look at that figure on the one in Tights that b chest and those scrawny legs he looks like a bull moose with the ret and look at that other monstrosity with the sheet around him yeah with that blubber bulging all over he looks like a reject from the Turkish band you know Sapphire you'd think the committee would do something about people like that [Music] now Kingfish them two old toes over by the punch bowl has been giving us the eye I guess they ain't never seen nothing like us [Music] before uh what's the matter gfish and I've been looking at them girls and the cold wave done sort of crept over me here I know there's Cleopatra and Juliet but and it has something awful familiar about their repulsiveness yeah Kingfish uh say you don't think that you know what's up man that what that fat Cleopatra is Mama and that other one is sapphire no yeah I know there was door knob kneecaps any place Andy my own wife is here tonight two timing me yeah but Kingfish you come to the dance too well that doesn't matter Andy I is here for the sake of Charity Sapphire here with another man that's why she throw me out of the house Andy I getting out of here I finish with that woman forever oh but wait a minute Kingfish wait a [Music] minute what's the matter daughter what's the matter why is you staying after them two men I can't help it Mama I know I've seen them before especially the one in Tights well let me get my longette on here M you is Right daughter I know them B legs any place that bull moose is George Kingfish Stevens oh mama take me home he must be here with some woman but daughter we is here too well that's different we come here for charity but I just know he's here with some huy that's why he run he's afraid we'd recognize him Mama I never want to see George Stevens again as long as I live come on oh but daughter I don't want to go home yet I'm just beginning to feel them vitamin Bill well that's the whole story Mr gesp why I come over here to see you you see my friend George Stevens thinks his wife was at the dance with another man and she thinks that he was there with another woman well this is terrible Amos and to think my wife and I are the ones that sold him the tickets yeah said well I thought the easiest way was for you to go up there and explain the circumstances to my friend the kingfish then have your wife go up and explain to Mrs Steven have my wife call on Mrs Steven yes explain about the invitation list uh have explain to m Stevens that you split up and you went out looking for the women and she went out looking for the men you [Music] see ladies and gentlemen I am Freeman gazden taking a moment here to remind you that this is Brotherhood week sponsored by the National Conference of Christians and Jews our enemies have always tried to divide and conquer us to play off our surface differences against us it hasn't worked in the past and it won't work in the future you know why try this simple experiment the next time you pass a large apartment house stop in the lobby and look at the name plates you'll find names that run the gamut from Adams to zalinski you will find people of different races different nationalities different religious backgrounds living side by side in peace and Harmony One Nation Under to God you'll find Brotherhood working in that one small apartment house just as it works all over America Brotherhood to Americans is more than just a slick phrase it's a way of life that has made this country great do your part your neighbor is doing [Music] [Applause] [Music] his where are we going King where are we going we're going down to see Al gun and J Calhoun oh I splitting up with sapphire I want some advice on how to do it yeah you really busting up with sapphire I say I is I go in right down to the domestic relations court tomorrow and put in for separate maintenance oh yeah well here's Calhoun's office let's get on in there behind you boys what's up theyy calhon look here we got to talk to you is you busy well not right now I just got back from a mambo lesson you taking the Mambo lesson oh man yeah been taking lessons for the past week I got this beautiful girl teacher in the first lesson she showed me how to hold my partner she put her hand on my shoulder and slid my arm around her waist and then she looked up at me with a big bre brown eyes and helmet real tight yeah well uh how was you coming with the dancing dancing oh man I give up the mom boo of the second night well you know that dancing is dangerous stuff the king fish SE his wife of the dance and he knows she was there with another man yeah and if she is interested in another man I want to get a separation from her how can I do that well like wait a minute now hold on here before you can do that you got to find out who the fell is well explain to me how I going to do that well the thing to do is just wait it out Kingfish sooner or later this boy is bound to show up and tip his hand yeah you right calhon I just waited out sooner or later the fell going to show up and I'll find out who it was that she went to the dance with yeah oh how could this woman be so cruel to me women just something you know it you telling me kingfish women's has been cruel down Through the Ages junah yeah look at that famous story of the lady in the tiger uhhuh when the cruel Roman princess Octavia wanted to test the courage of her lover Marcus in the arena out there in Rome yeah well what did she do Octavia throw a glove in the pit with a wild ferocious Bengal tiger then she stood up before the crowd and said Marcus if you love me you'll go in there and get my glove yeah that was something yeah margus jumped into the pit but before he could get the glove the the tiger was on him and as that tiger was ripping and tear him to pieces Marcus looked up and said them beautiful Latin words am come infinum come verus come ADV valorum yeah what do that mean man get this crazy C off of me well Mama it's been a whole day now and we still ain't got a line on who the woman was George went to The Masquerade with now don't you worry Sapphire I know these home waging Huzzies they always show up now you mark my words one of these days she'll show up just as sure as a racehorse always comes back to the stable you hear me just as sure as a racehorse always comes back to the Stables oh I'll get the door Mama all right Mrs Stevens I came to talk to you about your husband who is the daughter itation won't you come in Mama this is the young lady who come up to talk to me about George mhm Mrs Stevens I understand you saw your husband at the dance the other night I'm afraid I'm the one who was responsible oh are you now yes you see the way it started was my husband and and I split up oh you got a husband yes yes he went out looking for women and I went out looking for man yeah that sounds like a ducky Arrangement young lady just why would you want to do a thing like this well for charity of course charity well since when did this kind of thing come under the Community chest I I beg your pardon listen you Hy get out of here before I hit you with this dish M Hy yes why I've never been so insulted in my life well just stick around sister I ain't warmed up yet well I'm getting out of here good day oh mama you were right that's the girl but why would a old man like George be interested in a young girl like that it don't surprise me daughter don't you remember back on the farm we always put the shortest chain on the oldest [Music] goat Kingfish you think Calhoun is right that this boyfriend of sapphires is going to show up one of these days oh I don't know Andy I don't know uh but if he ever does I'll tell him limb from limb yes sir and I tell you this man has done put a blot on Maya scan yeah oh I'll never I'll uh I I'll get it in I'll get it how do you do I'm looking for George Stevens well I George Stevens what can I do for you sir well I came over to discuss a little matter concerning myself and your wife oh excuse me a minute I won't have a word with my friend here come over here yeah h this is him already a it yeah when you going to start tearing a limb from limb K well Andy just looking at the size of them there I just realized my scutching ain't as dirty as I think it was I think I better sound most some more come on over here come go ahead do that uh you said miss you want to talk to me about my wife huh I had you having to meet my wife let me ask you D well it's all very simple she was on my list you has a list well naturally how else would I keep things straight last year I had a grand total of 32 women on my list holy M Lander this boy doesn't wholesale here excuse me for puding M but there a list you got uh where' you get the thing at where where you get that list at oh my wife made it out for me your wife made it out for you m what you going to do now well I don't know but I tell you one thing and there Times Like These that I wish I wasn't a coward well I guess you understand everything now oh yeah he sure does yes well that's good so long I'll see you around yeah yeah oh man and ain't this a terrible thing to man as a professional home recer yeah you know something kingy oh what I wonder what he charged for a copy of that list [Music] oh Amos would you explain to me again how you going to get the kingfish and Sapphire back together well you know me Andy I never gives up I I done told the kingfish that as long as he wanted to forget Sapphire that the thing for him to do was well to make a new life for himself and I talked him into putting this ad in the newspaper right here in the personalized column let me see that yeah read that there is yeah say here cultured and refined gentlemen anxious to meet beautiful and gracious woman with similar taste object companionship if interested wear white Carnation and meet the above on the mezanine of the Baldwin hotel at 9 tonight yeah well that ain't going to help if it meet some strange gal no no Andy you see he don't know this but don't you see what I get in that I dropped by Sapphire and The Mamas this afternoon and I gave them the big picture about starting a new life and meeting new people then I left a copy of this paper on the hall table with this ad circled in it as I left I see them pick it up and start reading it oh you know amamos you is as smart as I is dumb and that's the nicest thing I can say about [Music] anybody well here I is in the mezanine of the borwin hotel and it's 2 minutes a 9 I wonder if fam is right will my dream girl show up I just know she is I got a feeling I I just know it wait a minute somebody's coming up the stairs here a woman it's dark but I see the white Carnation I Rush up to her and greet her oh my dream girl you've come you've come to me at last yes I read your ad and I George Stevens holy Mel it's mama know [Music] this is harnold Wilcox again suggesting that you tune in this CBS radio station each evening Monday through Friday for the amamos and Andy Music Hall you'll hear amamos and Andy at their very best plus interviews with famous guests and lots of good popular music your local newspaper will give you the time of the ameson Andy Music Hall so remember to tune in and enjoy the fun and music and laugh with Amos and Andy that's right folks every evening Monday through Friday on the CBS radio station thank you and good night see you tomorrow night on the Music [Music] Hall be sure to be with us at the same time next Sunday for the amamos and Andy Show transcribed and directed by Cliff how now stay tuned for arm Miss Brooks with follows immediately over most of these same stations [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]