9 Ways People Destroy Their Own Relationships - Jillian Turecki

it begins with you they do not have the power we do all the disappointment confusion and drama of your former relationships can be Trace to the universal fear that you are not enough yes um everything that you do inside of a relationship that you are really confused about that's been maddening to you and to your former partners or anything that um anything that you that you are questioning it can be boiled down to the fact that you are afraid that you're not enough for this person and if you're not enough that somehow love is going to be taken away from you because if we when we are confronted with that insecurity that we are not good enough in some way that's when we start to act out all our weirdness inside of a relationship honestly and yes of course there's childhood there's conditioning there's there's your parents all these things are influences but when people are angry they're afraid when people are lashing out they're afraid when people are clinging they're afraid when people are shutting down they are afraid and um I started the book and named it it begins with you because no one is going to stand in your way more than you no one is going to lie to you more than you do to yourself same same for me this is is just everyone and um it's not about you're the only BL person to blame it's not about blame it all but if we want to change our relationship lives if we want to change our lives at all we have to be able to look within and see the ways in which our insecurity gets in the way of a relationship and we have to see where are also not just our insecurity but our belief system and our conditioning and the things that happened in childhood we are the common denominator in all our relationships that's actually really good news because it means that you can actually change something this I this concept of is the problem is you not necessarily you know the problem could very be well be the people who you're choosing but you're choosing them so you're choosing them why and so the first principle the first truth is you have to you have to be willing to look within and a lot of people are not willing to do that until they are desperate but it's the only way it's interesting the not enough thing that it it makes love and attachment and Care feel contingent it feels like if if I could be more if I was able to be dot dot dot and you know if you listen to a lot of the discussions on the internet around romance but also around friendships and stuff like that a lot of the time you know it's a hopeful and motivating message to say pick yourself up by your bootstraps outgrow the person that hurt you make yourself better take this uh curse and turn it into a lesson instead of a blessing that it could have been but it wasn't so now you're going to you know alchemize yourself into some better version of you like all of that's fine but the subtext of a lot of that conversation is still you're not sort of worthy as you are and there's this place that you need to get yourself to or could get yourself to and if only you were there maybe you wouldn't have been rejected by this person maybe they would have actually maybe you would have been able to fulfill their desires to the point where they would have actually been happy with you as you yes and that's that's a losing strategy I mean so much of if you're reflecting on past relationships that didn't work the best thing to do is just to let go and to surrender to the fact that um you know life is about making mistakes and sometimes epic mistakes and um if you are if you've got someone smart whispering in your ear telling you to you know take a look at this and see what you can learn from it so that you don't repeat it that's the best case scenario um you know some things just don't work out because it wasn't right some things don't work out some relationships don't work out because you both were too immature to make it work out sometimes it doesn't work out because I don't know like it wasn't supposed to you were supposed to learn something it was supposed to be an experience maybe it was supposed to be a love affair instead of it being a marriage you know I I mean but this is the thing we um romantic relationships are what are where we feel most vulnerable and there's two worlds there's two worlds where I think um your inner patterns uh show up in a very unique way the first one is in relationships and the second one is in business always um I think James Clear says that uh starting a business is a vehicle for personal growth masquerading as a wealth making Enterprise yes I I would wholeheartedly agree with that I was trying to think about this over the uh festive period I guess family you know your whatever birth family is probably a third area as only child living a few thousand miles away from home that's not something I have to contend with too much but um I I those three areas and I was thinking at least about the first two the romantic thing and the business thing about why it's the case and I guess it's because there's very few other situations you get yourself into where you're pushed so far that there's if it was a person on the street yeah I was in New York only yesterday and there was a person on the street obviously in a bit of mental distress homeless guy and you know he's sort of shouting and talking and pointing at you and whatever and you go well I can just walk away I don't have any attachment to this person I don't have any sense of obligation to fulfill the needs of whatever and then I don't need to think about it anymore but with the business you know the it's got this sense of self attached to it it's got your self-worth embedded in it and you and you look at all of the time you've invested in this thing and look at the future you could have together and the exact same thing is true when it comes to romance as well so yeah um business and relationships are able to expose our inner patterns in a way that very few other things can yeah absolutely because you know you said something about self-worth being embedded in that absolutely it's also your belief system it's you know you know my dad never was able to make it so I need to make it or my dad always put pressure on me to be a certain way and to achieve it's who am I if I'm not achieving um who am I if I'm not uh successful and so um again it's the its identity its self-worth it's um it's your entire childhood being exposed basically in your entire your entire beliefs it's your relationship with certainly at least one of your parents being exposed pretty much and triggered all the time uh in business and in uh romantic relationships and you know if you're the kind of person who doesn't like to give up or you're very achievement oriented then um chances are well chances are you uh have had a lot of achievement but on the other on the flip side of the coin is you have a very hard time letting go so with everything that we deal with there's a positive and there's sort of a corresponding negative and it's going to be incredibly triggering for sure that said I think that um I really think that even if work is going phenomenally well even if you have all the money you want even if your health is good if your relationship specifically your your intimate relationship is struggling you're suffering even if you have purpose if that relationship is not going well you are going to wake up stressed and um you know for some people you could say the same thing about business as well but I think that um I think deep down in everyone's heart uh they want love more than they want money and fame well if we think about what we've created a proxy of with business success all of those things ultimately lead back to some form of status which is tradable for for love and acceptance from a partner and from The Wider group so it's a much more direct route to get the thing which is the belonging the reassurance the Fulfillment from the partner as opposed to all of these proxies but the problem is that you can't really show a balance sheet of how much love and care you have so you know McNamara's fallacy have you heard of this no it educate me so um the Vietnam War they were trying to work out what the best metrics were to measure to work out whether America was winning or losing the war and magnamar decided to use I think it was the number of enemy combatants that were killed uh because it's very easy it appears on a balance sheet you can work that out uh but what they should have been looking at was what was the sentiment at home because the reason the Vietnam War was a massive L for the United States was not only the fact that they didn't manage to make the ground and and and and Conquer in the manner that they wanted but it was the way that the sentiment at home changed so the rule is we intend to measure what we care about but instead we end up caring about what we can measure and the fact that you can see your number of followers on social media or the size of your bank balance or the house that you've got or the car or whatever it might be and then you can play this comparison game you care about what you can measure as opposed to measuring what you want to care about and uh yeah if you if you could somehow if there was some dashboard that showed everybody's marital happiness I'm sure people people would pay a lot more attention like embarrassingly people would pay way more attention to their relationship satisfaction if they could just find a way to to measure yeah that's interesting you're probably right absolutely but you know I mean yeah it's you know it's interesting I um it's interesting how many people I know who uh uh I think there's people need a sense of purpose they need to feel connected to themselves uh they need to have a sense of self that they bring into a relationship and a relationship is a mirror it is going to show you where your work lies and where your work is and um you know I just was recently having a conversation with someone and he was just opening up to me about how he and his wife are going through a rough patch they have a eight-month bab eight-month old baby and babies can really rock the the foundation of a marriage or a relationship and he was just describing he's like you know we're going through a rough patch like we're arguing about this and that and you know I don't know what to do and this idea that he he kind of wanted to like give up and I said no no you can't like what no you can't give up um you right now you're in your head and you're thinking that it's all her fault and you're doing everything and it's not it takes two to tango and so I'm sharing this story just because you know so many relationships end because people don't know they don't have the tools to make the relationship work and that's part of the reason why we feel so incredibly vulnerable there's lots of books out there about how to make money how to run a business and all of that it doesn't address a lot of the books don't actually address what we were just a minute ago talking about which is this is what it's going to trigger inside of you and there's lots of great amazing books about communication and communication let me tell you something that's that's a skill that that everyone needs when it comes to relationship but there's not enough literature out there to address um this is like this is what your mind is going to do to you when you are in a relationship and if you are not careful and you let your mind get the best of you it's done and so I said to him I said you are stuck in your head I understand that it's hard but you don't just leave when it's hard you figure it out or you do your best to figure it out and when I say your best literally your best and after that you can you both can make a decision and this is you know there's no abuse here there's nothing like that you know they're very committed um but it's it's amazing to me how well I guess it's not amazing to me I I think that relationships are where we feel yes the most vulnerable but what goes along with that is sort of like a helplessness like sort of hopeless you know like I don't know how to make this better all I know is that I feel like [ __ ] yeah the the I think people can put up with a lot of suffering If Only They didn't If Only They knew that there was a root out right it's the reason that Uber is so good the reason that Uber was a revolution wasn't that you could get a cab from anywhere by using a single app on your phone it's that you knew how long it was going to take before it got to you so it removed the anxiety of waiting right that was what it was and not having to take your wallet true okay yeah I mean look there's lot there's lots of reasons but one of the things that people true one of the things people misunder that they underestimate is that this relates to the second truth the mind is a battlefield our minds are always creating stories and if we don't question our thoughts and beliefs our heads can quickly become battlefields yes um so in very ancient yogic text in Buddhist text there's this idea of of the monkey mind so the the the metaphor is like if you think of a monkey swinging from Branch to Branch just sort of swinging moving that's sort of like the nature of the mind it's just going from thought to thought to thought and if we don't and the monkey's wild and so if we don't learn the tools and if we don't practice taming the monkey the monkey will um take full control we are story making machines we like to make a story out of everything and some people have a very um they have a for um assigning a lot of disempowering and negative meanings to everything and and but we're but none of us are immune to that and so um what's happening in a relationship when it's going well well the story in everyone's head is that is filled with a lot of positive meaning and and positivity and love this the relationship that's not going well it's you know two brains that are creating a lot of stories I mean of course there's other reasons that a relationship's not going well there's very very extreme circumstances that could happen but on the average that's what's happening and let's take this out of the context of relationships it's like you can can relate it to business or anything else I mean how many times have you like laid in bed at night replaying something in your mind or or replaying something in the morning and you've created like a whole story about what they did what they thought and you know why they did that and you get yourself all worked up and you get yourself in such a state and it was all in your head and I think part of maturing is being able to catch ourselves in those thoughts and just being able to say okay I'm like I'm not thinking clearly right now I'm you know my mind is like my mind is messy right now and so this was something that I never learned until I started doing this work which is that that you know the story that we assign to anything determines how we feel about anything and that our minds um are designed to keep us safe they're not designed to make us happy and so we have to be able to discipline our minds and question our thoughts often this is the whole idea of mindfulness like bringing mindfulness into your life or bringing mindfulness to your relationship is bringing more awareness awareness of how our thoughts can get the better of us um how our stories and the meanings that we assign to certain things well if he loved me then or if she loved me then you know that's that's a big one um I know you meant to do this or you know you wouldn't have said that if you didn't do that or if you didn't feel that these are the things that um you know that can really really destroy a relationship and destroy our experience of a relationship yeah I suppose it's you start after a while to not even have a relationship with the person you have a relationship with your relationship to the relationship you you have your Rel you have a relationship with the story that you have about the relationship and that it doesn't surprise me that you know it kind of is not necessarily the beginning of the end but certainly the beginning of a difficult period that you're going to have to get over if you want to fix it because you're becoming increasingly isolated you're having an experience on your own which you're not sharing with the person that it's about and then you're becoming resentful correct yeah the Neil Strauss was this last year I think this was two years ago uh the best quote that I heard uh unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments yes it's brilliant yes yeah [ __ ] yeah so good so correct and so accurate yeah well expectations and you have to really manage our expectations as well you know um a lot of times in a relationship we're expecting this sort of rightness from our partner and we seldom do we look within and think how can I be better as a partner how can I change something here how am I complicit in this thing that's happening absolutely and um you know you take two people in a relationship who are willing to ask themselves that question how am I complicit in whatever is going on here that is not working chances are you're going to have a those people are going to have a pretty epic relationship honestly accountability is the most important thing in a relationship dig into that for me what you mean when you say accountability um being willing to be 100% responsible for your experience so you're responsible for your thoughts you're responsible for your perspectives you're responsible for your behavior that does not mean that two people come in they let's say they want coup's coaching it's not like well 50% is your fault and 50% is your fault you know it could be that one person is actually causing more of the problems but often times um we ha we have to be very accountable for our projections so something that we do in relationships is we project so we without before we become more Mindful and more conscious we think that we're looking at the person that we love when really what we're looking at is our ex our mom our Dad we're looking at them through the filter of our past and instead of actually seeing the person our unconscious is reminded of something that our mom or our dad did that we couldn't stand and then all of a sudden we are you know we're blaming them as if for all our unfinished business and resentment against one or both of our parents that's projection or we get into a relationship with a certain level of insec and low self-esteem and then when our partner is not making us happy we think you know you're not loving me well when you came into the relationship insecure so we have so accountability is being able to say all right we have a problem there's something that's upsetting us or there's something that's upsetting me what what am I how am I complicit am I projecting here do I even know what their needs are have I even been expressing my needs so it really truly is in my in my view the most important it's not the only one that matters but it's the most important relationship skill is to be able to take full responsibility that is a very good measure of someone's emotional int intelligence and of someone's character and yeah yeah character is so interesting to think about yeah are you able to are you able to put yourself to one side sort of your narrow need for to be right uh to put yourself first ahead of this thing that's supposed to be the thing that you care about you know yes if if what I think both of us believe is true which is you can have a great career and a crappy relationship and be pretty miserable you can have an average career and a great relationship and have a delightful life yes so what we're saying is the the most important thing if you're going to couple up the most important thing is who you couple up with absolutely okay that means that everything comes second to the relationship um well in many ways yes I mean you need to look after your health so that can show up like well health health is is obviously the most important thing and our relationship to ourselves is the most important thing but you can't it's not so separate from the relationship from the other because you're constantly going to have to you know I don't know how there's going to be a lot of if you're in a relationship for the long term there's going to be a lot of times you're just going to be like H they're being so annoying I don't feel like dealing and is it really about them or are you just in a bad mood are okay you don't really feel like having this conversation with them it's it's bringing up a lot of discomfort for you are you going to go for the temporary comfort in not having the conversation or are you just going to continually make things worse like we are constantly being asked to transcend ourselves and our egos in a relationship but yeah I think all relationships are the most important thing they really do um determine our lives and uh a romantic relationship look it's the person you are naked with emotionally physically it's the person who um who could leave you um you have friendships that there's a level of certainty that we have with our with certain friendships and with family members that you know they're not going anywhere or if we don't speak them to them for a week our relationship is still strong those rules don't apply it just doesn't apply in a romantic relationship and um everyone fears on some level being left you know being unloved being abandoned in some way and so in writing this book I really wanted people to ask themselves well and to reflect on well what are some of the things that you do when you're afraid in a relationship you know cuz you got to know what would you say to someone who is in the middle of the Mind as a battlefield uh world how do you advise them especially when it's to do with relating to somebody else the person that they care about the most the one that the most scared of that's going to leave them how can they just fix that get out of the head a little bit get back to some rationality um to get out of the head is to it's the the pathway is always to get into your body so you want to deepen your breath because whenever you're in your head like really in your head like in the thick of the battlefield of your mind um your breath is shallow and your muscles are very tight so the first thing is to just to to take a time out and connect your breathing and to take a deep breath in a deep breath out and let your exhalation be longer and so you first have to kind of do that so that you can get in a more you can calm your your nervous system if you will and then you can ask yourself some questions which I and I love the work of Byron Katie where where she says you know is it true are you sure that it's true so you can ask yourself these questions but it always starts with you know when you're in your head you're reactive and in order to transition from a reactive state to a more responsive state or use the word a more rational State you have to incorporate your breathing you may need to do a little movement you may need to just go for a walk you may need to call a friend you may need to work out you may need to take a shower you may need to eat something cuz when we eat it changes our our nervous system it changes our physiological State you get more grounded when you eat you get more satiated you get more full the Energy starts to go down so um that's first and foremost yeah I um I know the the fact that people get so so stuck and so caught up thinking and thinking and overthinking which makes the overthinking worse and doesn't allow them to get out of it I don't know it's it's a ruthless bind and especially the sort of people that listen to shows like this who are a bit thoughtful and maybe introspective and you know they really want to they want to do well and they see their own failings from a front row seat yes they think oh my God like I look at how viscerally I'm able to experience this horrible sensation I can't stop thinking about or this thought Loop I'm caught up in or oh my God my brain's about to tell me that same story that I told myself about the situation I'm bored of my own thoughts I'm I'm bored of myself telling me this thing that's a good place to be it's good to be bored with yourself because typically that's when we start to change when we actually can't stand it anymore otherwise we're just kind of like the loop keeps happening because it's so comfortable and it's so familiar and we're so unconscious about it once we're conscious and we're just like I'm so bored of this that's when we actually start to make a change actually TR number three lust is not the same thing as love nope knowing the difference is essential for building long-lasting Love Yes um so when we first meet someone and we're really excited about them we enter a sort of euphoric State some sort of euphoria and it's the and we think oh it's this person when really they are just a metaphor of um for a feeling of novelty Adventure a freedom from the monotony of Our Lives you know or Freedom even from overthinking sometimes it's it's like all of a sudden we if we've been living up here in our heads and then we meet someone we're really excited about all of a sudden we feel like we're in our hearts more and that's always a more comfortable place for for human beings to live we're always happier when we are living it when we're more in our bodies and less in our heads always and so and then we get you know people in this stage of of meeting someone in a relationship um there's a spectrum but some people we can get a we can get really crazy during this time we can get incredibly obsessive and we don't we're not taught in school how to process our enthusiasm so then we start you know the crush begins and we start thinking we can't live without this person and they are the one and and that and that whole narrative when really what is happening is that you you have chemistry with someone and that Rush of hormones and that Rush of excitement has very little to do as I said with them and love is not just a feeling love is actually a verb it's an intentional practice it's um some we do love we don't just feel love and that thing that you feel in the beginning is not love you know people are like oh we have such an amazing connection well great I don't want to rain on anyone's parade I mean we have a very fleeting experience on this Earth and you know that's that's a lot of fun but we also have to adapt and we have to process the the fact that what we're experiencing is um you know it's not love it's it's chemistry it's attraction and um and people think so let's say the honeymoon stage of a relationship say last anywhere 3 months to 6 months maybe nine months you know it's depending and when we start to wake up from that that that drunkenness that we are you know we're like drunk on lust and and excitement and when we start to emerge we start to sober up and then we realize oh like you're just a per you know you're a person and you have flaws and you know and you're not you're not coming to save me and you know you're not better than me cuz we sometime we want to meet that person who's in some way better than us when the truth is you're just going to choose the person who's on a similar level of Consciousness as your own and even if you did meet someone who's better than you they're not going to want to be in a relationship with you so and no one's inherently better than you but you know what I mean someone who um maybe has dealt with their childhood stuff you know and has their life in order and maybe you don't right so we wake up from that from that euphoria and then we think oh this isn't fun like you're not you know and then all the expectations come and you're like well you're not you're not making me happy and that depression that I had you know two days before I met you that magically went away when I met you it's come back there must be something wrong with you or this must not be love and people are operating like this more than you think I I know exactly what you're talking about does this it's so funny listeners of the show the OG OG listeners from seven years ago when we first started it uh will know a friend of mine Johnny who was being on the show quite a lot and he once said this thing to me and it's taken probably until now for me to actually realize that it was true he said he saw a lot of his friends kind of going through the same cycle which was between a 12 to 18 month relationship that had a good amount of commitment and then they got toward the end of that and things just didn't seem as exciting anymore there was some conflict and then they assumed that that meant that it's well we're not compatible and there's something wrong and then they'd sort of Kick the Can down the road and then just restart the whole thing over and over again and um yeah I think we really need to look at ourselves during the first 6 to 12 months of a relationship more like drug addicts than uh people able to make rational decisions you know you're a drug addict but you also happen to be the dealer and the user yeah exactly that's actually well said it's very true and uh yeah that that's very true unless unless you know you get into a relationship and you're someone who realizes this unless you read my book or unless you read other people's books right and you're like I understand that um what I'm actually looking for is not just this feeling I'm looking for someone who um will challenge me in the best possible ways not challenge me to the point where you know every single wound in my body is triggered because we because of whatever is going on between the two of us but they challenge me to actually step up they challenge me to be a better person and uh and we have and we have the same values and this is someone who I can build with and immature love immature love says I am in love with my projected idealization of you and the moment you show me that you're real I going to pull away and mature love says I see all of you I see your Nuance I see your shortcomings I see your Brilliance I see your quirks I see your past and I choose you it's uh people don't often talk about this you know there's a lot of criticism around uh giving up too easily uh you're not sticking about whether it's in a marriage or with family or just in a relationship that's maybe going to turn into one of those things uh but very few people are saying or coaching people on how to bring yourself back down to earth during the first few months it's like don't work harder you almost need to sort of be less en amage with your partner as opposed to more en amage with your partner somehow um but one of the things I think a lot of people will feel is that deceleration as they move from the passionate to the companionate attraction system or go from lust to love or get out of the honeymoon Fe period or stop infatuation whatever terminology you want to use how do you advise the people that you work with or how do you come to think about sort of managing that altitude change because you are going to feel it yes it it wouldn't work for you to be infatuated with your partner for the rest of time you get nothing done yeah you get nothing well you get nothing done and actually You' get pretty bored because we just don't want to be in one one state the entire time it's very destabilizing to feel that way it's not exactly happiness like we feel that Euphoria in the beginning but in that Euphoria also comes a lot of inst ility and so that's where people get also very stressed out and so you're right how people how people cope with the transition from the honeymoon stage to the more committed comfortable stage of a relationship largely determines the the longevity of that relationship and so how do I tell what do I tell people well um you know it's funny because I love that comfortable stage of the relationship I mean I want it to I don't want it to be too comfortable but I I like that that so it's you know so I just try to tell people look it's uh now you can focus on work as well you get your life back hooray yeah you get your life back and now and now you can actually now's when you can explore real emotional connection and intimacy now is where you can actually build trust and camaraderie now and it doesn't mean you're always going to have to work to keep the passion alive but now you can actually explore things that you can go deeper you can go deeper and you can explore what a true emotional connection is what it means to build safety and trust and respect inside of a relationship what it means to have um someone really be in your corner and not just because they're afraid to lose you but because they truly truly love and support you and um I think that's exciting yeah I think I had something else I want to say but after you said it but this is important just that yeah people who want to who can see the spark or the excitement in that way that kind of like high Euphoria State uh to reframe it as look at all of the things it now opens us up to do that we couldn't do previously I think is is a really lovely reframe yeah I and I and it's very true and one thing that I will add is this um this is also what you're at Great risk of is taking your partner for granted and um this is you know stop don't stop pursuing your partner don't stop being curious about this person um yeah maybe you're not in that crazy stage but you still because you can go deeper and because actually love and Trust can really grow you still have to be very present and you still have to you know in the beginning we're all the ambassadors of ourselves we're like let me just bring like you know let me put my best foot forward what if you continued to want to or to try to put your best foot forward years in what would that look like and what would that feel like number four you have to love yourself self-love is actually all that it's cracked up to be we need it to thrive in a relationship so there's two camps of thought that's sort of percolating in the zikis one is you don't have to love yourself to love anyone else you don't have to love yourself to be loved by someone else with with then all of that is true you learn to love yourself while you're in relationship then there's another camp that says you have to love yourself in order to love someone else or in order to be in a relationship both are wrong and both are true in their own way you don't have to completely love yourself in order there are lots of people who don't love themselves who love plenty of people and there are lots of people don't love themselves who are loved by others but you better believe that if you don't if you really struggle to see your value then you allow and you tolerate crappy things in a relationship you're in trouble because our our relationships reflect how we feel about ourselves so I think of self-love as self-acceptance I see it as look you know um straddling that very delicate line between understanding that you have work to do and there are things that you can improve on and quite possibly absolutely need to improve on and yet that doesn't diminish your value as a human being in any way that doesn't diminish your worth and self-acceptance is learning to sort of hold ourselves in high enough regard without even though there are things about ourselves that we may not like self-esteem is critical for a relationship if it's too high you have the narcissist but in my world what I see a lot more of is too low and if if it's too low then you are pretending to be someone who you're not running away from an intimacy tolerating abusive or borderline abusive Behavior so it is a very important conversation to be had what how much is it the job of the other person to help you build you up and build your self-esteem up is this not supposed to be a diad should it not be a case that we can go to them flawed and broken as we are and they will help us to put the pieces back together it seems like there's a a degree of Reliance on the other person but also you have to sort yourself out first how do we balance that yeah it's it's it's it's not an easy answer um I believe that the best relationships involve people who have a strong sense of self but that doesn't mean that they don't have parts of them that are are wounded but we can't get into a relationship and expect another flawed person to put all the pieces back together but I do believe that we can get into a relationship with the expectation that we are going to hold each other's hands as and help each other out as we Face our own demons and we Face our own challenges and so um look there's a difference between someone needing to be built up by their partner all the time because they don't do anything because they're not doing that thing that they need to be doing to help themselves versus someone who's going through a really rough just a you know having a rocky month you know and needing their partner to kind of be like their their greatest fan in that moment so context matters and I and I know that that's not popular because so many people want the black and or white answer and they want the like how to but there's Nuance here but know that no one can actually fill all your voids it feels like this is related to your fifth point you need to speak up and tell the truth if we hide what we see feel or need a relationship will spiral quickly yes um I lied a lot in my relationships and what I mean by lied is um I'm not I don't think of myself as a liar I don't like lie I don't tell I don't say something that isn't true but I don't divulge the whole truth of I haven't divulged the whole truth of what I was feeling in the past because um number one I didn't I didn't even know that uh it was okay to have those needs I didn't know how how to express those needs like I was so disconnected from that so it wasn't like oh I'm going to like not tell the truth on purpose but every time people are strategizing to get someone to be interested in them you know the mask the ambassador of ourselves um people don't tell the truth because they're having a hard time processing something or they're just so afraid if I say what I feel she's going to be so so hurt and she's going to leave me or he's not or he's going to become so defensive and not be able to have a conversation with me so I'm going to bottle it up and I'm just going to be easy or I'm just going to repress how I feel because you know who am I to have feelings who am I to have needs so people aren't doing this consciously and they're not necessarily doing it on purpose they're doing it because they don't they don't know the alternative how can people become more comfortable with speaking the truth well one by recognizing that the alternative is worse by not speaking the truth you become resentful by not speaking the truth your relationship deteriorates by not speaking the truth you betray yourself and by not speaking the truth in many ways you betray your part betray your partner because because then they don't know how to contribute to your happiness they don't know how to contribute to the emotional bank account of your relationship so there's a very big price to pay and not speaking the truth and the way to do it is to be direct and truthful and also you know sometimes you'll have to be very vulnerable I I I'm not into the whole stoic thing you know it's not about being stoic um no one you know in a romantic relationship stoic doesn't get you very far vulnerability gets you far why is that the case why why does this sort of stiffer stronger self-sufficiency thing not get you far in a relationship well not when it comes to difficult conversations I mean it it has a place you know when you have to make a decision about something sometimes bringing that to a relationship can be very useful you know but when it comes to ult conversations about feelings and about um needs you have to um you have to be able to people Bond when they open up their hearts to each other and they open up their inner worlds to each other if you're always hiding behind the mask of stoicism then it's just a wall it's just a another self-protective measure and it's like it's emotional and availability it it has its place in life it has its place and pockets in a relationship but that's not how people build trust with each other they build trust when when you are able to open up about something that's important to you and then it's received it's received with care it's received with interest it's received with love that's how you build trust with another person does it mean sometimes we're going to have to sort of move at the same speed as our partner that we can't say more to them than they're able to receive and if we try to do that and it is kind of unrequited or it's it's not very well uh absorbed um that's going to make us more scared about doing it next time so we kind of we need to tolerate um that and regulate how quickly and how much we do so let me backtrack a little bit we're training our partners all the time all the time every time your partner opens up to you about something or just wants to share about their day and you're just like you know reading something and barely looking up you're training your partner to not do that anymore you're training your partner to now start to withhold their experience um so I think that if you're sharing something and and someone is not able to receive it again that feeds into the conversation you could say something like it seem I feel it seems like or it appears that that this is difficult for you to hear right now is that true and part of being a mature high functioning adult in a relationship is being able to have that kind of conversation and you and you might say you know what yeah like I think that was really hard for me to receive maybe I just need a moment or maybe I need you to need to ask you some questions when you're getting to know someone like in the beginning you're sort of testing the waters and maybe opening up a little bit to see how they receive you opening up and then maybe you see that they don't receive it that well and that and then you might be in the you might be it's not a guarantee but you might be in the presence of someone who's a not actually that interested in you as you would like hope them to be or to or be they're not what what is so commonly and popularly referred to as um emotionally unavailable um now that doesn't mean that everyone is going to be as emotive there's lots of men of a certain generation who are just not as emotive as women are um I think that there needs there there has men has to learn how to become more emotive but what's more important is that they become very good listeners and um you know I think we all have to we all have to figure out what we can and cannot tolerate in in a relationship but um have you know it's called a heart to heart for a reason you know when two people have a heart-to-heart they're opening up their inner worlds to each other and typically what is associated to a heart with a heart tohe heart is after that heart-to- heart there's closeness there's more love so it's important you've worked with a lot of women thousands of women yeah and a lot of men actually what is it that you know there's a lot of rumors around on the internet about what it is that women are really looking for and this is what they're publicly prepared to say you know this is what this is what's acceptable but really what they want is this behind the scenes I would imagine somebody that works from a relationship coaching counseling perspective has a b of a transparent view into what it is that Wom are actually saying that they wish that they could have had in that relationship or what they're looking for in this next one or what their partner that they're just starting to date is or is not giving them and this is why it makes me feel good or bad what is it that you wish more men knew about what women want from relationships um women want safety this is very important men do not understand the role that safety plays in a woman's life um we you know walking down we could be in the best neighborhood in the world we could be in a safe town we could be in a city if we're walking down the street and it's empty the our antenna is up it doesn't even matter if it's broad it's broad daylight that's something that a man that most men can't even begin to wrap their around I'm going to go to an empty parking lot by myself no way I don't care if it's 12:00 in the afternoon if I don't see anyone around and I'm and the parking lot is empty am I walking to my car alone I might be running and so this is the reality of women and biologically you know women it's like we have the babies we want to make sure that the babies are protected we want to make sure that that we're in a relationship with someone who will protect us this is partially biological so how does that translate into the modern world well women uh want a partner who is um and we're talking about male Partners right so we want your presence so this is going to sound very simple and maybe you've heard it before but you fixing the problem is not what you think it is cuz a lot of men there's a problem they want to fix it or you know we're having maybe we're having we're overwhelmed and what most men do is they come to they want to come to the rescue and say I know how to make it so that you're less overwhelmed you just have to do one two and three you'll be less overwhelmed and the funny thing is he's right Mo a lot of the time he's right but we but we know that already what we need in that moment is someone just to listen or to give us a hug and to have presence with us that's like and then and then we can maybe calm down and enter our more rational Minds because women are perfectly capable of rationality but at first you know we might be feeling like that intensity of emotion and here's and here's a thing about emotions that probably the number one thing that women complain about if you will their male partners that they wish that they had more of that men need to know is I wish my emotions didn't scare him off if I had a dime for every time I've heard that those that phrase in some way spoken to me and I that I've thought it I would have so many dimes I would have enough dimes to you know Feed the World kind of thing you know that kind of thing I wish I I wish that I could be in a bad mood and he wouldn't take it personally I I think and I would this is my experience and I would love to hear your thoughts Chris is that a lot of men when they get into relationships with their female Partners there's an unconscious need for their woman to be happy because they feel so responsible for our happiness and I think that you know what I've been told by many men personally and professionally that what he's most drawn to is when we're relaxed and we're smiling and we're happy but we can't we women we can't be happy all the time and sometimes we get anxious and stressed and we have a very delicate hormonal system and you know we just we have a different mind we have something called diffuse awareness or we're taking in we feel responsible for everyone and everything and we're very and we're we're not so women have the capacity to go into the part of the brain that's very singular focused but we also have this incredible curse SLG to just juggle like a 50 million things at once and so we're not always going to be happy also because we're a human being and a lot of women have said he can't handle it he gets very reactive when I'm not happy and um so that's it those are the things it's interesting uh I'm not sure about the happiness thing but I certainly know that peace is something that I think a lot of guys try to optimize for and that um yeah dealing with the Whirlwind that can be a woman's emotions disrupts the peace sometimes and learning how both people can regulate to kind of bring that back down to earth yes is um is very important but a wh of emotions doesn't always have to be drama you know I'm I've certainly worked with a lot of women to stop bringing drama there's a lot of men who bring drama but yes optimizing peace but do they really want peace I mean depends who you are depends what your nervous system set point is I have some friends that like the chaos I have some friends that use that as a proxy for excitement for love for why they feel the most engaged it's something that's interesting uh I'm I'm firmly in Camp peace uh but that's not necessarily for everyone that being said uh Whitney Cummings told me this story which was really great she was stress checked oh I guess stress tested uh by a football play that she was dating maybe a few years ago I don't know how long ago and she'd been sort of yapping and yapping and yapping and sort of playing this playing up this kind of like Hollywood Starlet style thing and there' always be something there was always something going on there's always something fiery happening and she turned to him and she said well like you know if you're dating me it's because you want a challenge you know like I'm the girl that you come to if you want a challenge and he turned to her and he said what sort of guy wants a challenge in his long-term relationship and she was like he's a guy that spends his days at the training ground and his evenings playing a difficult game he has enough challenge already he's delivering the maximum amount of challenge that he wants coming home and finding that there is more challenge being put on you than this person needs that they're playing up some additional level of you know they're choosing to not do any of the regulation themselves I think um no no that's a problem I don't I don't believe that she but her saying that is I don't believe that you know it's not it's not necessarily true in other words that she had the choice that what I mean it's like well if you say if you say well put her that aside if you're saying well the men who want me want a challenge well what is that actually really mean like to me that that's saying well you're not willing to actually do the work to actually bring some Harmony into this relationship I'm not speaking about Whitney I'm just saying in general um you know that's a lovely excuse I mean uh we're all challenging you know we one of the you have to ask yourself how am I difficult to live with because you know we're all difficult in some way to live with and I think that having some level of awareness of how we are difficult to live with and then and being able to say to our partner like I love you for putting up with this part of me yeah like that's where it's at it's one of the most beautiful things that you could say like to be able to see your own floor and then to appreciate the fact that this person has just wordlessly wordlessly decided that they are going going to continue to swallow whatever it is that you do yeah two two aland baton uh quotes the first one being he says on every first date you should ask the other person in what ways are you mad he says that yes one of the greatest delusions that single people have is that they're actually perhaps quite an easy person to live with yeah look and some people are easier to live with than others they just are but we all we are we all come to the table with stuff and I think that it's just a matter of when it comes to a partner you know a lot of people don't don't know how to differentiate between the tolerable and the Intolerable um because they didn't learn that you know they saw their one or both of their parents tolerate a lot and um so one of the things if if you keep having if one keeps having these sort of disappointing relationships these very painful relationships one of the one of the things to explore is knowing where where your limit is in terms of what you can tolerate because we should have a lot of flexibility and tolerate a lot in a relationship but you need to know that chunk of whatever that you just won't tolerate you know you need to be your best self even after the honeymoon stress and fear can turn a secure relationship into a dysfunctional one we have to make it a priority to show up as our higher selves as much as possible yeah well this is what we were talking about a little bit before which is that um we put on we are there best selves in the beginning and then we get comfortable and then we have this unconscious belief that this person that we're that that loves us um should should love us no matter what so even if I'm coming to the relationship consistently and I and I really want to emphasize consistently because we will do this sometimes consistently stress Moody um irritable cold um why would you expect anyone to put up with that on a consistent basis and relationships are what we make of them and they need attention and they need atten ion in the form of our mindfulness and that means that we're not going to be perfect but you can't do all these wonderful things in the beginning and then stop doing them and expect your relationship to be a good relationship it's really as simple as that and this is what people do this is what I've never met anyone who's never who hasn't done this who hasn't it's a law of familiarity we we get used to something and we start to take it for granted we think you know we Comfort is a wonderful thing in a relationship too much comfort often leads to the demise of a relationship get so comfortable that we think you know it's like how a lot of us can be around family we can regress to our seven-year-old self and be a total [ __ ] and we know we're going to be loved anyway people do that in their romantic relationships and they and it's a mistake it's a mistake to do it anyway but it's really a mistake in your romantic relationship so we think you know we do forget and I've said this before we forget that the person that we love is a gift and we think that they're given and that is just the law of familiarity and it's because we become unconscious and Mindless in our relationships our a relationship really has um we think that you go into a cave or you go into an ashram or you do some sort of you know psychedelic trip that that's the spiritual work no the spiritual work is in a relationship what's the stress and fear bit turning a secure relationship into a dysfunctional one I understand that uh yeah familiarity breeds like laziness in a way uh but how does stress and fear play a role there where in the honeymoon stage of a relationship there's this illusion that all are goes away because this person has come into our life and we feel that Euphoria and we feel so excited and it's new and then our stress comes back and we might put on a Really Brave face or we we are we treat our co-workers great we treat we we smile at a stranger on the street and then we come home and we're like let me just unload all my stress on you or we come home and we think I don't have to actually be really that nice to you law of familiarity very very hard sad and stressful things can happen in life but more times than not people are not reacting to something difficult they are in a habit of just being reactive to everything so their threshold for stress is really low and maybe it is there is something stressful like money and children they people don't know how to manage their stress and so they start to fight with each other and they start to create negative stories about each other or they start to um look at their partner and see everything that is wrong about them when when what's really going on is a turbulent mind what's really going on is a turbulent nervous system what's really going on is stress in that person's body that is making it so that they are not seeing life and their partner clearly this is what ends relationships is not knowing how to handle stress and not knowing and not identifying when stress is the problem versus the actual [Music] relationship and I suppose because that person's so close to us and because we're familiar and because we hope slash know that they're not going we we can use them as an emotional crutch punching bag yes and and also because you know it's very common if a family is going through let's say money problems for that to tear Mom and Dad apart or Mom and Mom apart to tear the couple apart it's not so so it's the it's how they were reacting to life which I have nothing but compassion for one of the things that we just don't learn in school it's how they were reacting to life that made it so that they were I mean think about it when you're really stressed you don't want to be touched you don't want to be told what to do you're not feeling sexual you're not feeling sensual you're not feeling open you're not feeling loving you become totally self-involved and emotionally unavailable and you've got two people like that on a consistent basis then this is what's going to happen the relationship is going to suffer and it's because of how they're actually dealing with the birth of their first child it's how they're dealing with the money problems it's how they're dealing with certain things that and these things might be real problems that are highly systemic but we think that once the stress gets better that the relationship will get better when the truth is how we how we it's how we respond or react to what's happening in life that will ultimately improve the relationship and sometimes you know families and couples really need help to deal with um very big things but like I said you'd be shocked to learn that often it's not something legitimately stressful like you lost all your money or you can't buy groceries or your child is sick you know these are real things often time you're I'm seeing it all the time in couples who are just like stressed out about nothing you cannot convince someone to love you as much as we try yeah it's the law of the land you cannot convince anyone to love you you can't beg them to love you you can try to jump through what ever Hoops you want to get them to love you you can try to change yourself to get them to love you or to choose you you can use your kids as pawns to get them to stay I mean you could try all you can but it's impossible to convince someone to love you the ruthless other side of this uh and I was texting Conor beaten about this 90 minutes ago oh love um we would we were just talking about this on the way in and uh I was basically talking about the same but in reverse that it's true you can't convince anybody to love you but you also can't convince yourself to love anybody either they said if you can't get what you want you can Will yourself to get what you can get but you can't will yourself to want what you can get like you don't get to make yourself and there's a lot of times you know I've spoken to friends that have been in relationships previously dude you know what is is she's so amazing for me she takes all of the boxes I I don't know what it is I've tried and I've tried and I feel awful and guilty and I'm racked with fear and shame about it and I'm probably going to move on to some chick that is going to be none of the things that I think that I'm supposed to want but I can't help the way that I feel and I just don't feel the right way about this person we we relationships or the way that we feel about people and desire happens bottom up not top down um and yeah as much as we wish that it was a dictatorship a lot of the time unfortunately it's a democracy yeah it's very true although we have to use a little bit more of this head for sure when we're making these decisions um yeah it's very true you I mean you just can't you can't make yourself love someone you can't make yourself feel those feelings and um you can't convince someone to choose you and and people are doing it all the time in very in very subtle ways way um they're trying to seduce they're trying to convince they're trying to change themselves and um there's so much grace in accepting even if it shatters your heart accepting when um accepting this truth and life becomes a lot easier when you um adopt this law into your DNA basically no one is coming to save you a relationship is meant to make us happier not happy yeah so um I think that people intellectually understand this but people do get into relationships thinking that the relationship is going to be the thing that fulfills them and that the person is going to be the person who fulfills them that there's this perfect person who's going to come in and rescue you and and again even though we know logically that's not the case um we do in many ways have this fantasy that when this right person comes into our lives everything's going to be better or when our partner is you know not able to you know it's just not making us feel all delightful and happy one day that somehow it's their responsibility to do that fulfillment can only come from the inside it really I mean we we get fulfillment and happiness from various sources and from doing various things but there's no one who is coming there's no night and shining armor there's no um there's no one who's coming to to save you and and look we seen so many movies there's a movie that I reference in the book because I think it is so perfect and it's interesting because it's it's a it's a guy expecting to be rescued which I think goes against what's more commonly thought about as like the woman you know in the dam Zone distress I don't know if you ever saw the movie 500 Days of Summer no it's a fantastic movie that really incredibly illustrates um this point which is he he's a guy he's got he's totally depressed he's got no purpose in life he hates his job he has a passion that he's not pursuing so he's in this job that he can't stand and then this girl comes in and she's like you know beautiful and cute and he's just like from the moment he sees her he's just like he's done right and so his whole the whole movie is him trying trying to convince her to love him because she's just not that she's like dates him and sleeps with him but she's just You Can Tell She's Not all in and on the surface what it looks like is oh something's wrong with her she's totally avoidant um you know what's what's wrong with her you know he's such a nice guy and what's really going on is that she's not even a fully formed character she's a metaphor for him needing to be rescued because then and what she does is is she mirrors back to him why she doesn't choose him like she never says it but of course the reason is is because he's desperate for his happiness in her and he's desperate to use her he's the user he's using her to escape his own misery and it's only after she breaks up with him that he is able to actually confront himself and so it's a great movie to watch that illustrates the point that um you know we do try to escape ourselves through relationships um that could be someone's pattern that's more than someone else's pattern um a relationship can't actually make you happy no one can really make you happy but the expectation the healthy expectation is this person is adding to my life they're making my path a little better but they're not but no one can walk the path but me and I think that this is going to be the hardest truth in many ways except for the last one for people to face because people are very resistant because they think oh no I don't expect that no I understand that but then watch look at your relationship history or look at your current relationship how many times have you've been resentful towards your current partner because they're not making you hap happy in that moment the final one which you say and I is kind of interesting you know we've talked about relationships throughout this some inner work who sort of nodded toward attachment stuff previous patterns breakups expectations even romance culture uh and then for no reason you decide to assault everybody's most raw wound um which is we must make peace with our parents grief a parent you never had be open to looking at them differently have a conversation with them yeah so um making peace with your parent is making peace with with is reframing and investigating the story that you've had about one or both of your parent that may be um that may have a choke hold on you and Release emancipating Yourself from the prison of your own mind and of this story that you have about them you could have a great relationship with your parents and peace with your parents might mean that you break up with your parents metaphorically as the leaders of your belief system so they always wanted you to be a doctor but in your heart you are an artist but you've but and you've been living your life as a doctor miserable because that's what your parents wanted and you decide you know what I love Mom and Dad but I'm going to become an artist because the best way to really honor myself and my family is to be happy so that's making peace with your parents I I I put a disclaimer in this chapter if you've been if there's been severe abuse if there's been any sort of molesting I I in no way put that expectation on you I had a extremely troubling relationship with my father and much of my life was about um trying to find some resolve there which I was able to mostly do before he died a year ago [Music] and you know our our adult relationships will very much reflect our relationships with our parents and um it's important to to look at your parents and to explore the relationship that you have with one of your one or both of your parents through the filter of your adult self rather than just the filter of your um little boy or little girl self and um it will it will absolutely change your life so that was a very I wrote that chapter um as he was dying he kind of died unexpectedly but he died I was writing that chapter and it was I have a lot of case studies in there of all sorts of experiences with parents and you know yeah you you have to start to um think of them differently and you know I lost a lost both my parents and I was close to my stepfather and I lost him too and one thing that I learned about and I was very close with my mom but of course I there's certain things you know that mother daughter relationships can be kind of complicated and I learned something profound about relationships with parents after they died which is that you kind of you kind of let go of some of the resentments that you had when they were alive um and you build a little compassion you could you could decide to never speak to your parent again but you have to do that from a clear head not from a place of reaction because I was estang from my father for 13 years or something and it did not help me what helped me was learning how to not be afraid of him and to investig and to start to stand up for myself and to also start to examine the story that I've had about him for so many years and that's what I try to explain in this chapter what do you say to the people that sort of still they're worried that their parents are sort of coming toward the end of their lives maybe they've tried to approach conversations not too dissimilar to these previously even the first couple of steps and maybe they've not been received particularly well and they've got this sort of balancing act in their mind where they go go can I even sort of bring this into land over the next you know five years 10 years I don't know however long they've got left am I just opening a can of worms that is going to have their paring memory of their role as my parent being one of failure and dissatisfaction and I'm going to bring up all of this stuff and it's going to feel like an attack on them and you know this is this is how I'm going to the swan song to mine and my parents Rel relationship is maybe going to be me trying to do this selfish healing in a child [ __ ] can I not just put up with the piece and and and sort of leave it on the table yeah I would say a third option which is even better um let go of whatever story you have and start to accept them for who they are and grieve the parent that maybe you wish you had but didn't have and maybe ask them some questions about their life and their experience and start to relate to them differently one of my friends this Christmas recorded I think he did it with maybe did it with both his mom and his dad but separately uh he recorded a 2hour podcast with each of his parents um where he just said tell me about your life so what was growing up like and he's recorded it in I not exactly publishable quality but you know it's more than good enough for him and he just wants to keep doing that and he's set himself at task of doing that every year now that he wants to have this Archive of him talking to his parents about them and what it was like raising him and you know he wants to have this sort of self Li self- knowledge Library I guess which I love that pretty cool yeah very cool the most podcast solution ever is to record a podcast with your parents to come up to heal your inner child yeah and it's you know the whole healing your inner child thing I mean it's really about um yeah well again you know learning how to uh it's hard it's hard you know your parents as children they're supposed to be our heroes but then you grow up and you realize you're just a person just like me and maybe there can be some compassion there because of that well if you know that or if you have this sense it's unfair if not for the way that my parents raised me I would have been dot dot dot I would have been more balanced I would have had secure attachment I would have not had my yeah fears I would have not had all the rest of it and you go okay well just go back one generation if you say that you're at the mercy of your parents who are they at the mercy of yeah absolutely no that's different because I I'm you know they were supposed to look after me and it's like yeah I you don't get to have it both ways you don't have to have it both ways and I know you know this might come off as corny but you know [ __ ] it it's really true which is that what did you gain by not getting what it is that you needed you know I life is very mysterious I know people who' have had great parents and great upbringing and had got everything that they want and they ended up being drug addicts how does that happen and I know people who've had real abuse like really messed up stuff and they are they have they're very successful in their marriage how does that happen so life in many ways is a mystery and I certainly would not be sitting here today had I had the father that I wish I had I just wouldn't be there's no I am convinced because I never would have had the the marriage that I had I wouldn't have chosen that man and I wouldn't have had that relationship that led to so much heartbreak that led me to delve into this work that led me here and I don't know if I ever would have you know I have a long history in teaching yoga and a yoga practitioner over 25 years I don't know that I would have been seeking out that in my life had I not had the pain that I endured in childhood you know I I don't know but I I think that [Music] um there is a resilience that comes with not uh getting what you deserve sometimes yeah it's an interesting double-edged sword I think a lot of the time people think well I wouldn't have this uh success or this sort of um the work ethic the resilience all of that stuff uh which has brought me all of these things that I really value in myself I think an uncomfortable deeper question is to say well would I have needed that had I have not been exposed to the difficulties in the first place you go right okay so I I I don't get to go back so I can't change it so it's pointless it's kind of a moot point in any case so what you say is what are the things how can I take this thing that was bad and turn it into something uh that has lots of light sides to it where the lighter side of the edge is better than the dark one and then if I can get rid of that then I get I do get to have my cake and eat it too I get to get all of the advantages of the additional resilience and and the self-supporting nature and the fact that had an impact and it's driven me to do things that I'm very proud of and so on and so forth and I've let go of the trauma that that sort of drove it in the first place but if you don't do the second bit if you don't do the going back in the healing bit what you're stuck with is this sort of double-edged Sword yes absolutely and look that's life I mean it truly is about making lemonade out of lemons I mean I hate to say it but it is I mean that's what leads to more fulfilling life is being able to take the things that have been hard and create some sort of meaning out of it um that's what it's all about Jullian Shi ladies and gentlemen Julian I really appreciate it I think it's uh very much of the moment um touching on all of the things that everybody's interested in and stepping into the new year as well as a lot of uh winter relationships and spring relationships maybe beginning it's it's very timely where should people go they want to keep up to date with you're doing and check out your work yeah of course my book it begins with you which I believe will be is out um and uh you just need to know my name Jillian tki find me on Instagram all over social media my podcast Jillian on love and uh yeah that's where people can find me heck yeah Julian I appreciate you thank you I appreciate you thank you do you think that your algorithm on YouTube is a bit of a God is able to know things about you that you don't know about yourself well the gods have selected this episode specifically for you bespoke so go and go and check it out