Video summary
The comedian opens his special by expressing deep frustration with the absurdity of modern signage, specifically targeting a "Don't Drink and Drive" sign placed on a highway where drivers are already behind the wheel. He extends this annoyance to other illogical notices, such as a gas station's "Under New Management" sign, arguing that customers do not care about management changes when they simply want to pump fuel and leave. This theme of irritation continues with his observations on Craigslist, where he mocks people for selling items for three dollars instead of throwing them away, suggesting that listing lonely items online is a desperate cry for attention rather than a practical solution.
Shifting the focus to personal relationships, the speaker discusses his own status as a single man who has decided to stop dating entirely at age fifty-eight. He contrasts his contentment with the story of a friend who is a "serial dater" and recklessly engages in unprotected sex without considering health risks or compatibility. The comedian also vividly describes the awkwardness of attending dinner parties where friends try to set him up with strangers, only for the introductions to fail immediately because the potential match looks exactly like him, leading to an immediate rejection of the forced social interaction.
The final segment of the performance takes place in a hotel room, where the comedian is disturbed by loud noises from his neighbors late at night. He humorously critiques the lack of subtlety in their intimate encounters, noting that while the male partner sounds like a hype man and the female partner screams phrases like "Feels killer," there is no moaning or groaning. When he asks an audience member about her partner's sounds, she describes them as sounding like an eagle, which he finds equally ridiculous. He concludes by recounting a conversation with a man in the front row who claimed his partner made no sound at all, labeling that silence as the worst possible audio experience and jokingly suggesting that such a person should just go take out the trash instead of staying home.
Read the full video transcript
You guys drinking tonight? You guys
drinking in here?
>> I saw a stupid sign on the highway last
night. It said, "Don't drink and drive."
Isn't that a little late
on the highway?
You're already driving.
WHO'S THAT FOR? DOES ANYBODY EVER see
that and get out like my bad?
Walk home, right? I didn't know.
Stupid [ __ ] sign.
I hate stupid signs. I was at a gas
station recently. Giant sign out front
said under new management.
Who gives a [ __ ]
I didn't know the old management.
It's not a steakhouse. IT'S A [ __ ]
GAS STATION.
RIGHT. I PULL IN, I swipe my card, I
pump the gas, I [ __ ] leave. I'm the
manager
and the attendant. I'm running the
[ __ ] place.
God,
I just hate stupid [ __ ] Is it me or is
it you guys? Don't you walk around
going, "Fuck this."
Right.
I was on Craigslist a couple days ago
looking around. SAW SOMEBODY SELLING
something for $3.
What are you doing?
Throw it away.
Three [ __ ] dollars.
I don't want anybody to know where I
live
for $3.
I was wondering how they even had the
internet to put it up.
Just admit you're lonely, right? Be
like, "Stop by. I'll give you five
bucks."
Godamn Craigslist.
Craigslist was the, you know, the first
online dating really. You guys remember
that [ __ ] Misconnections.
You ever read that stuff, right? It'd be
like Trader Joe's. You had a hat. I had
a boner.
What? What the [ __ ] I was wearing a hat
today.
What color is the hat?
I'm 58. I don't date. I tapped out.
That's it. Don't give a [ __ ] Yeah. Two
people. Thank you.
I got this buddy. He's a serial dater.
That's all he does. He called me a
couple days ago. He goes, "Hey man, I
met somebody online and I got lucky." I
go, "You used a condom, right?" He goes,
"Nah, she was cool."
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. SHE WAS COOL. WHAT
KIND OF STD test is that?
How does that go down? What's the
barometer for cool? Right. How does he
make that call? Is he just about to go
in? Then he's like, "Wait a minute.
You like Radio Head?"
She goes, "I love Radio Head." It's like
raw dog.
I'm single. I love being single. The
only time it sucks is when I go to
dinner parties cuz my friends will try
to hook me up with one of their garbage
can friends.
Right. I'm at a dinner party. Right.
Right. When I walk in, they're like,
"Dude, we got someone for you.
You got to meet Gina."
She comes walking in. She looks just
like me.
Hey, I guess we're hanging. I'm like,
"Fuck you.
I want to hang myself.
That is rude. I can meet her on my own.
That guy goes, "Ah man,
that happens to me."
>> Single people. Let me hear you. Single.
>> Here is my tip for the single people.
All right. If you meet somebody and you
think it's the one you want to spend the
rest of your life with, don't [ __ ] every
day, right? Just [ __ ] like once a month
CUZ YOU'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF [ __ ]
There's people in here RIGHT NOW OUT OF
[ __ ]
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE IN A [ __ ] CAVE
RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON'T GO TO THE CAVE IF YOU'RE STILL
[ __ ]
And you'll know they're out of [ __ ] CUZ
THE DUDE WILL HAVE SOME NEW WEIRD HOBBY
LIKE CIVIL WAR REENACTMENTS.
Just dreaming of a century when women
didn't talk.
Speaking of [ __ ]
I travel a lot all over. Every weekend I
stay in different hotels. So, I was in a
city a couple weeks ago and I was doing
a Saturday night show. So, around 2:00
in the afternoon, I'm in the hotel room.
I decide I'm going to get a little nap
on. Right. Right when I lay down, the
room next to me starts [ __ ]
and they had weird [ __ ] sounds.
Like the dude sounded like a bad rapper
hype man. This is how he [ __ ] He's
like, "Yeah,
yeah.
You ready for this?"
I'M LIKE, "NO, I'M NOT."
And then the woman, no sounds, nothing,
right? I go, "What's going on over
here?"
And right when I get up to the wall, I'm
engaged now. I want to [ __ ] up, you
know? Right when I get to the wall, I
just hear her yell out, "Feels killer."
FEELS KILLER. WHAT'S HE [ __ ] a
trucker?
That is disgusting.
No moaning, NO GROANING, JUST FEELS
KILLER.
What's your girl sounds?
Whoa.
Whoa. Sound like a [ __ ] eagle.
What the [ __ ]
I asked a guy last night in the front
row what his lady's [ __ ] sounds were and
he said no.
That's the worst [ __ ] sound ever, right?
Like, yeah, no,
take out the trash.