Video summary
Recent research highlights a significant trend in male behavior regarding social interaction, revealing that approximately 50% of men aged 18 to 30 have not approached any woman within the last year. This hesitation is largely attributed to high risk aversion, a personality trait where individuals are less willing to take risks due to fears of negative consequences. For many men, approaching women represents a perceived high-risk scenario driven primarily by anxiety over social rejection and damage to one's reputation. The discussion notes that these fears have deep ancestral roots; historically, being rebuffed could diminish credibility within a tribe or lead to mockery from peers, creating an evolutionary basis for the trepidation felt even today when looking at someone across a room. The psychological mechanisms behind this avoidance are further explored through concepts like exposure therapy and locus of control. While confidence can help mitigate fear, it does not eliminate nervousness entirely; however, pickup artist communities have effectively utilized gamified exposure therapy to teach men how to overcome approach anxiety by gradually increasing the frequency of interactions with women. The transcript also introduces the concept of locus of control, distinguishing between internal and external orientations. Men with an internal locus of control—who believe they can influence outcomes—report fewer dating difficulties compared to those with an external locus who feel events happen to them without their input. Interestingly, individuals scoring high in the Dark Triad traits, such as psychopathy or narcissism, often exhibit higher risk tolerance, leading to more sexual partners and earlier debut, though this does not necessarily equate to better relationship outcomes for everyone. A critical finding from the survey data challenges common misconceptions about dating success by showing that men who do approach women are remarkably effective at securing initial connections. Of those men who take the step of approaching a woman, over half successfully obtain a date or romantic connection, with some estimates suggesting as high as 70% achieve this result. While the conversion rate from dates to long-term relationships is lower, roughly around 20%, and sexual encounters are less frequent than initial approaches, the overall success rate for those who act remains positive. This statistic serves as a "white pill" moment in dating advice, demonstrating that despite the intense internal fear of rejection, taking action yields tangible results even for individuals who feel uncertain or terrified before making their move. The discussion also addresses gender dynamics and societal norms surrounding approach behavior. Women generally prefer to be approached by men rather than initiating contact themselves, with 70% to 80% expressing a desire for more male initiation despite the fact that women approaching men is rare and often viewed as violating expected social roles. This creates an asymmetry where rejection feels particularly painful for women because it involves breaking social norms in addition to facing personal risk, whereas men face fewer structural barriers but higher psychological ones due to fear of judgment. Furthermore, there are indications that younger generations, such as Gen Z or "Zoomers," may be becoming increasingly risk-averse overall, delaying milestones like getting a job or driver's license until later in life, which permeates their approach to dating and relationships. Ultimately, the conversation concludes that overcoming approach anxiety is central to navigating modern dating landscapes effectively. The perceived stakes of rejection are often exaggerated by the mind as a "world-ending catastrophe," yet the actual cost of being rejected is minimal compared to the missed opportunities caused by inaction. By recognizing risk aversion as a manageable trait rather than an insurmountable barrier, men can adopt strategies like gradual exposure and cultivating an internal locus of control to improve their dating lives. The evidence suggests that simply deciding to approach women is the most significant step one can take, breaking the cycle of avoidance that currently affects half of young men and leading to better outcomes in both casual encounters and potential long-term relationships.
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what's going on with risk aversion and
men not approaching women sure so risk
aversion refers to a personality trait
or disposition where individuals are
basically more accepting or more willing
to take risks so highrisk aversion would
be individuals who are uh less willing
to take risks and a big risk for men at
least a perceived risk is of course
approaching women so recently I
conducted a survey and I used a measure
of risk aversion and I asked about
approach Behavior basically approaching
for dates approaching on the Street
approaching in a bar talking to someone
at work or in class and yeah there's an
inverse correlation or I should say a
positive correlation with that risk
aversion and willingness to approach
right that people who are more risk
averse much less willing to approach
they tend to have more fears as well as
far as the potential consequences of of
approaching a woman asking for a date
what did they say were the primary fears
that these guys were concerned about
sure so some of the primary fears are
basically social rejection and social
consequ quences there were some
differences where individuals higher in
risk aversion might fear more legal
consequences as well like uh some kind
of report to HR the police or even
something like that but it tends to be
mostly kind of a fear of like loss of of
reputation yeah well I suppose you know
we have a basis for this ancestrally
that if you were rebuffed by one of the
women in your tribe that that probably
wouldn't do much for your credibility
with the rest of the women in the tribe
and that your mates might take the piss
out of you uh so I i' certainly
understand from that
that angle for the women as well that
are listening the all consuming fear as
a guy of seeing a girl across the room
and looking at her and thinking I should
go and say hello because I think that
she's nice is like [ __ ] mortal it's
reality bending it's so strange it's
such a bizarre and again I'm sure that
there's loads of guys listening to I
don't know what you're talking about I
can just go up and talk to anybody but I
think even the average normal risk
aversion man has this pretty sort of
gutural sense of trepidation before they
go and do it absolutely yeah and yeah
the most confident man it doesn't matter
they're going to be a little bit nervous
at least approaching a woman and I think
that's something in pickup artist
communities that they've kind of caught
on to is almost kind of an exposure
therapy to that which you know exposure
therapy when people have phobias they're
exposed gradually to whatever the
stimulus is that reduces that fear and
so maybe they've kind of caught on like
approach a 100 women and you will be
less afraid yeah that's what it is but
of course most men aren't out there
approaching 100 women and that kind of
nervousness it persists even if an
individual is very very confident to
begin with yeah I think that was
definitely one of the positive sides of
the pickup world was that it taught men
to overcome approach anxiety just
through exposure therapy right it
gamified exposure therapy uh which is
pretty reliable when you're trying to
get rid of all manner of phobias if it's
a spider that you're scared or you
agobia and you don't want to leave the
house you know it's one step step at a
time very very small exposures Etc um
and given that this is such a such a
difficult one I asked uh it was ages ago
but I spoke about um what it's like for
a woman to approach a man and be
rejected and had some really interesting
responses from women that it's really
painful for them because they almost
feel like they've broken the social norm
and still not succeeded so there's kind
of two layers of shame that they've had
to go through as opposed to I guess men
maybe with only one yeah exactly and I
didn't even look at women approaching
men because it is so uncommon you know
even for very attractive men they just
don't get approached that much if a man
gets approached once or twice a year you
know he's a Chad now basically that's
what it is it's it's super uncommon for
men for men to get approached and it is
a violation of those expected gender
roles in a way that you know women will
wait I would and they will say you know
I would prefer to be approached by a man
and that's something else that kind of
came out in the research you know we
asked women uh would you like to be
approached more and you had about 70 to
80% of women particularly younger women
even more than older women that said
yeah I wish men would approach approach
more but but they're not going to do it
the women aren't going to going to
approach men for sure interesting so
have you looked longitudinally at this
do you know if men's risk aversion and
fear of approach has increased over time
I don't know for sure but there I think
there is some research on that that I
that I haven't done that's uh looked at
risk aversion in younger generations and
they may be more risk Avers so it might
be something that we see particularly
with the Zoomers right with the younger
generation that they are more
risk-averse than earlier generations and
there's a lot of kind of converging
evidence on that that you know they're
waiting later in life to take risks like
getting a job going to school getting a
driver's license many of these other
things that would indicate okay they're
they're they're kind of hesitant to
enter the adult world so to speak yeah
Jee Tang's work in Generations is is
fantastic with this uh slow life
strategy or extended adolescence um it
explains an awful lot you know me and
bus have been talking about this
generalized risk aversion syndrome um
and it is it's across you know it
permeates absolutely everything but it
really really shows up in dating because
dating is largely a game of Risk
remediation right it's how can I kind of
deal with the inevitable uncertainty of
going up to someone I don't know if they
like me I don't know if they're single I
don't know if I'm going to look silly uh
it very much is uh kind of like the
Vanguard of risk I suppose other things
move out of the house changing jobs
moving locations but certainly a much
lower Stakes more common one which is
what makes it interesting because it is
low States it's like what you get
rejected by somebody when you go up to
them like what's there's literally no
cost apart from a tiny little bit of
discomfort and yet it the felt sense of
it is a you know world ending
catastrophe exactly yeah and something
kind of related to that is that uh we
see for example individuals higher in
the dark Triad they have more sexual
partners uh Psychopaths as well people
that score high in the hair psychopathy
checklist we see example people that
have a criminal record may have earlier
sexual debuse so they're having sex
earlier in life or having more partners
and these are also all things that are
associated with a higher tolerance for
risk or even risk seeking individuals
who might enjoy risk more so it's kind
of like why do they have more Partners
or something like that it there's some
indication that they might actually even
select down so it might not be that
they're more attractive but it could be
that they're much more tolerant of risk
or that they even seek risks out so
these are the people kind of approaching
more aggressively and so they're kind of
reaping the fruits of that so to speak
was it you that discovered 50% of men
aged 18 to 30 haven't approached a woman
in the last year yes that sounds right
yeah throwing that statistic all over
the Internet so I'm glad I'm glad that I
got the citation right yeah and the men
that have approached are doing
remarkably well a lot of the men who
have approached they they more than half
have gotten a date from it you know and
it goes down if you look to like
long-term relationships how many dates
turn into a long-term relationship but
the men who are approaching they're
doing pretty well
actually okay so 50% of men aged 18 to
30 haven't approached a woman in the
last year of that 50% 50% of them did
get a date I would have to check again
but it might even be higher it might
have been of the men who had it might
have even been about 70% at least got a
date or a phone number or some kind of
romantic connection there and it goes
down to about 20% that got a long-term
relationship out of it but sex is higher
so you kind of see it go down like date
sex is a little bit lower long-term
relationship is a little bit lower but
mostly they're yeah they're kind of
people that approach women they're
getting dates from it that's I don't
know that seems pretty positive for the
approach and I suppose you know there's
there's an argument to be made well of
course the kind of guys that are
approaching women they're the ones that
are full of the confidence or they're
the ones that know it's a sure thing of
course they're getting into
relationships and having sex and going
on dates and getting phone numbers and
stuff
but given the fact that this is an
exclusively agentic uh decision that
you're making right yeah sure if you
have a little bit more confidence in
yourself it's going to make making the
decision more easy but ultimately
there's a huge chunk of people in that
50% that are doing it that probably are
just as unsure and just as terrified and
just as uncertain as you are so yeah I
mean that's a a serious white pill for
why you should approach women absolutely
yeah that's one of the things that I've
come to believe is that you know as as
far as the whole Pua thing and all of
that goes yeah like a lot of it just
comes down to approaching women and it
does seem to work it's interesting you
said agentic as well because I have some
more data I haven't put it out yet but
this looks at like Locust of control and
dating difficulties so I asked people to
list all of these what do they think are
there difficulties in dating and then I
coded those into a survey got the
responses and I found a correlation with
locus of control and dating difficulty
so individuals that have a higher
internal locus of control that are more
agentic they tend to report that they
have fewer difficulties dating so that's
another thing too is that more agentic
individuals in that sense like you said
yeah they're probably doing better yeah
I think William Costello's most recent
post about incels found a wildly
externalized locus of
control exactly yeah his recent paper
exactly that he looked at the same thing
locus of control and incels had yeah
that higher external Locust of control
you know people with an external locus
of control they see the world as like
things just happen to me it's out of my
control whereas people within internal
locus of control you know they say I
make things happen things don't just
happen to me you know what whatever
happens in life I have some control over
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