Video summary
In the realm of Christian dating, while obvious warning signs are often discussed, there are subtler indicators that believers may overlook due to affection or rose-colored glasses. The first subtle red flag is a partner who consistently talks only about themselves, which goes beyond mere social awkwardness and points to a deeper character issue regarding humility and care for others. True curiosity involves asking questions that demonstrate a desire to understand the other person's life and heart, an act of honor that allows them to be known. When someone refuses to engage in this reciprocal exchange and remains self-obsessed, it suggests a lack of transcendent curiosity and a failure to value the relationship as a partnership rather than a platform for self-promotion.
Another significant concern is a distinct lack of drive or godly ambition, which differs from worldly success but is essential for building a future family. This red flag manifests when a potential partner shows apathy toward their spiritual growth, work ethic, or the responsibility of nurturing a household, whether that involves providing financially, raising children in the ways of the Lord, or caring for a spouse. While life seasons can cause temporary setbacks, a consistent pattern of laziness, slothfulness, or a focus solely on self-fulfillment without a vision for God's purposes indicates a dangerous void. This absence of energy to pour into a future family leaves a partner vulnerable and suggests that the individual is not committed to the hard work required for a thriving Christian marriage.
Passivity in the relationship itself serves as another critical warning sign, often appearing as an unwillingness to take steps toward marriage or a refusal to deepen the connection with one's date. This behavior can stem from fear of commitment or simply laziness, where the individual is content to keep things superficial and delay serious discussions about the future indefinitely. When one partner is clearly invested in moving the relationship forward while the other kicks the can down the road, it reveals a fundamental imbalance in effort and intent. Furthermore, pushing boundaries—whether physical, social, or spiritual—is a major danger that requires immediate attention; this includes ignoring concerns about negative influences, dismissing jokes that violate shared values, or pressuring a partner to cross lines they have established.
Finally, perhaps the most profound subtle red flag is maintaining a casual or distant relationship with Jesus rather than a passionate, personal one. It is not enough for a potential spouse to claim faith while treating their spiritual life as a distant relative visited only on holidays; instead, they should be actively pursuing Christ and allowing Him to transform their thinking and actions. A partner who is content with the status quo in their faith, lacking a desire to grow or submit to God's will, poses a significant risk, especially for women seeking a husband who will serve as a passionate spiritual shepherd. Ultimately, dating requires discernment to identify these nuances early, ensuring that one enters a covenant relationship with someone who is truly sold out for Christ and committed to leading their family toward what is right.
Read the full video transcript
In Christian dating, there's some pretty
obvious red flags. But, what are the
more subtle signs that us as Christians
squirt by or don't notice as quickly
because we really like the person, we
have rose-colored glasses on. So, in
today's video, I want to share with you
five things that I think are red flags,
but I'm going to rank them from zero to
10 in terms of how big an issue these
really are.
Red flag number one, always talking
about themselves. I can't tell you how
many first dates I've been on that the
person just talked about themself the
whole time. They were self-obsessed, you
know, talking about all the things
they're interested in, what they like to
do, waiting on me essentially to ask
them the question to give them
opportunity to talk. Now, you know, a
lot of people would look at this and
say, "Well, maybe this person just
doesn't have, you know, appropriate
social skills." And that could be a
factor for sure. But, I think it
demonstrates something a little bit
deeper about your character. Are you
concerned about the other person? Do you
care about other the other person and
other people in general enough to
display what Dr. Larry Crabb talks about
being transcendent curiosity, a
curiosity that goes beyond the surface
level in terms of like just like the
basic things about a person, but really
seeks to understand the person and speak
into their life as well. Like, is that
something that is part of your
character? Also, curiosity and asking
someone a question, being curious about
their life is an act of humility. It's
showing that it's not all about me. It's
an act of care towards the other person,
allowing them to speak and be known. If
you've ever experienced someone really
being curious about you, asking
questions that maybe you nobody's asked
you before, you understand it to be a
very honoring thing. You feel honored
that this person would be curious and
would give you the time to expound on
some of these life experiences or
stories that you have. So, here's the
thing. Yes, some people just might have
a lack of social skills and they need to
learn a little bit more, but you need to
understand is this actually a character
issue? So, I would give this a eight out
of 10 in terms of severity on the red
flag scale. If you're always talking
about yourself, man, there's got to be
an either an intervention or you got to
put a halt to things. Red flag number
two, they have no drive or ambition.
Well, there's a difference between godly
ambition and worldly ambition. There's a
lot of people have a lot of ambition and
yet it's for themselves. It's for, you
know, growing their own business, their
financial portfolio, having all the
experiences that they want to have,
fulfilling their dreams. People can be
ambitious in that way, but I I don't
think that's what we're talking about
here. We're talking about a lack of
drive and godly ambition. Does this
person have a vision and a drive and an
energy to pour into their future family,
to work hardly for the Lord and not for
men, or are they just kind of like
apathetic? They're kind of numb to the
world, maybe slothful or lazy. This one
especially applies to the guys in terms
of not demonstrating ambition and drive.
Like, if you don't have a guy, a husband
that is focused on building and growing
and ambitious in protecting his family
and and providing for them,
bro, that's a huge That's a huge hole
that's leaving. Also, when it apply It
applies to ladies in a certain sense,
too, because even though you might not
necessarily be looking for a lady that
has these huge ambitions of like
becoming this business owner or
something like that. Maybe that's true,
but but you might be looking for her to
have an ambition or drive to raise her
future family, to educate her kids, to
nurture them and care for them and train
them up in the ways of the Lord, and to
care for her future husband. All that
can be part of this drive and ambition.
But if she's more concerned with, you
know, fulfilling herself or giving
herself all these experiences in life,
that kind of thing, I think that can be
a red flag for sure. I would give this I
would give this a
8 and 1/2 to 9 out of 10. The reason
being that I I I'm not going 10 out of
10 because
there can be seasons of your life. Maybe
if you just experience some sort of like
failure in the business world or your
career or relationships,
you you're on the back pedal and and
maybe you lose some of that drive and
ambition. There's seasons of life like
that. But if it is like a consistent
pattern throughout your life, and you
can see that in the other person that
they just don't have drive or godly
ambition towards what is right in
building and and growing,
yeah, I would say that's a pretty big
red flag. Look, if you're genuinely
exhausted from navigating the modern
dating scene as a Christian, I get it. I
can't tell you how many first dates I
went on that went nowhere. But my wife
and I actually met on a dating app. And
while it completely changed our life, we
know how difficult it is to filter
through the weeds just to find someone
who shares your faith and values. That's
why I want to share Ark with you. Ark is
designed specifically to be a safe and
intentional space for Christian singles.
Instead of endlessly swiping, Ark uses
features like Bible verification, faith
prompts, and specific filters like
denomination and relationship goals.
Plus, they back it all up with a real
human support team, making it one of the
safest Christian dating apps out there.
Dating is hard enough, you shouldn't
have to compromise your values. Setting
up a profile takes literally less than 3
minutes. Download Ark using the link in
my description or the pinned comment and
set up your profile today. You never
know, it could completely change your
life.
Red flag three, they're passive in the
relationship. Now, this can look
different in each person's relationship
because there are a lot of signs of
passivity and a lot of areas that you
can be passive. One of the clear ones to
me is just being passive in terms of the
development and intentionality of
getting to know each other better. If
the person is just kind of happy with
where you are in the level of
connection, understanding they have
about you, to me that is pretty clear
passivity. They don't want to really
learn more about you and grow with you
and grow together,
that's a red flag. Also, when it comes
to maybe they're experiencing some level
of fear, you know, fear of commitment,
but also maybe there's some laziness in
there. They just kind of are apathetic
to put in the work in the relationship.
Maybe they're putting off, you know,
marriage. They they're like, "Yeah,
maybe down the line, maybe 5 years,
something like that." But you're like,
"Well, wait a minute. Like
Like that's That's go towards marriage.
Like I thought that's the whole point of
what we're doing. We're seeing if we're
right for marriage." And yet the person
keeps kicking the can down the road,
putting off making the relationship a
priority in their life. I've experienced
a form of this, and you can kind of try
to convince yourself that maybe the
person one day will take the
relationship seriously, or they'll
actually care, or they'll put as much
intentionality and effort into it as
you're putting into it.
But honestly, what I've learned is
actually it's just a big red flag. That
this person doesn't care as much as you
do, and they don't want it. They're not
looking at it in the same way. I would
give this a nine out of 10 easily if
consistent passivity is showing up in
your relationship, and potentially
you're at the level of like dating where
you're addressing it, and it's not being
reciprocated. They're not really
changing.
I don't know what you're waiting for.
Red flag four, they push boundaries.
Now, boundaries can take a lot of
different forms. The most popular ones
that we talk about are physical
boundaries. So, you've established some
sort of physical boundaries within your
dating relationship, and yet they
continue to push the line. They continue
to try to manipulate their way,
manipulate you, pressure you potentially
into crossing some of those boundaries.
That's a huge red flag, absolutely, and
you should be aware of that and
hold hold everything if that's what's
going on. But, there's also other
boundaries that they can cross that
maybe are a little bit more subtle. You
know, you talk about particular people
in their life that make you feel
uncomfortable or you don't think they're
good influences on them and you you
you're bringing that up to them and yet
they continue to hang out with that
person or maybe there's jokes that they
make that just make you feel
uncomfortable or things that they say
and you're like, "Hey, like I don't
think that quite you know, really aligns
with where I'm at and what I believe in
my values and my faith. I don't think
you should be talking that way." And yet
they kind of just laugh it off and they
keep doing it even though they call
themselves a Christian. Having a
conversation is important to say like
this is actually where my boundaries
are, this is what I'm comf-
uncomfortable with, and these are the
lines that I want to draw. And they
should be cheering you on in that and
reinforcing that and having their own
boundaries as well, not you know, just
like relying totally on your boundaries
and getting close as close to the line
as they possibly can or pressuring you
to cross them. Red flag five, they have
a casual relationship with Jesus. A lot
of people can call themselves
Christians, but the question is, what do
you mean by that? What do you mean by
you follow Jesus or you're saved by
Jesus? One of the questions that I was
helpful for me and I encourage people to
ask it in early on the dating
relationship is, "When did Jesus become
real for you?" Like actually real,
because many people will talk about
getting saved, you know, five, six years
old, seven years old, 10 years old, but
the question is, maybe it was then for
you, but when did Jesus actually become
real for you? When did it begin to
change your life, the way that you
think, the way that you operate, the way
that you believe you need to submit
certain aspects of your life to God?"
And if the person comes back and they're
just like, "Oh, I don't know. I don't I
just kind of always been here and kind
of like" they kind of present apathy
towards their relationship with God.
They don't want to grow. They don't
really care about what the Bible says
and you know, their relationship with
Jesus is just kind of like a distant
relative, you know, every once in a
while on Christmas and Easter you go to
see them, you go to hang out and pay
your respects, but outside of that
you're Christian in name only. And
that's not to say that they got to be
this perfect super Christian. That's not
what I'm saying at all, but there is a
very clear difference
between someone who is
or has a relationship actual personal
relationship with Jesus and someone who
just kind of likes the idea of Jesus and
likes what he said in the Sermon on the
Mount. They like the Golden Rule and
they they think, "Yeah, Jesus died on
the cross for me." But they don't really
understand why.
Man, guys, if you're going to tether
your life to someone in covenant
long-term like till death do us part,
you want that person to be sold out for
Christ. And I get it. We're all at
different stages of our relationship
with Jesus and you know, I think back to
when I was dating Kezia and my
relationship with God was in a very
different place than it is now, but I
wasn't I still didn't have a a casual
relationship with God. Like neither of
us did. We were trying to figure out
things. We're trying to sort through
some of, you know, our our previous
understandings of who God was and sort
through some of the theological baggage
that we'd been carrying, but we were
still both committed to pursuing Christ
and and seeing where that led. Are they
committed to pursuing Christ or are they
happy with just keeping their
relationship as it is, you know, they're
content. Ah, it's good. It's good. No,
guys, just as you want them to be
passionate and not passive in their
relationship with you, you want them to
be passionate and and passive in their
relationship with Christ. And especially
for you ladies watching, your husband,
you know, if you if this does become
your husband,
he's going to be your spiritual leader.
You know, he's going to be this the the
spiritual shepherd of your family,
leading and guiding them. You do not I
want a passive shepherd because wolves
are a thing. You know, people sheep do
go astray and you want a shepherd, a
family shepherd, who who cares, who is
passionate about guiding and leading
towards what is right and what is good.
I want to hear from you guys, what is
another maybe subtle red flag that we
sometimes skirt over in Christian dating
that we really should give more
attention to. Thanks to Arc for
sponsoring this video. Be sure to check
them out and until next time, God bless.