Video summary
Tony Robbins opens his discussion on improving life quality by emphasizing a fundamental distinction between focusing on what is right versus what is wrong, noting that energy flows wherever focus goes. He argues that we do not experience reality itself but rather the specific version of life our attention dictates; consequently, since both negative and positive options are always available in any moment, true intelligence lies in choosing where to direct one's gaze. Robbins illustrates this with a personal anecdote from age eleven when his family faced financial hardship during Thanksgiving. Despite his father's anger toward charity due to past ego wounds, an unexpected delivery of groceries by a stranger initially caused the door-slamming incident that led to their departure. However, upon reflection, Robbins realized his father had chosen to focus on lack and worthlessness rather than gratitude or opportunity, demonstrating how unconscious decisions create repetitive patterns unless one learns to discipline disappointments and shift perspective. The core framework presented involves three critical decisions made every moment of life: what we choose to focus on, the meaning we assign to that focus, and the action we take based on those interpretations. Robbins explains that while most people habitually focus on "what's missing" rather than "what they have," this creates a state of scarcity that drives them endlessly without fulfillment. Furthermore, society often struggles with focusing on what is uncontrollable versus what can be controlled; although many claim to strive for control over their circumstances, the majority actually dwell in lack and react to external events they cannot change. This misalignment between internal perception and external reality generates significant stress, whereas mastering these choices allows individuals to become "meaning makers" who dictate their emotional state rather than being dictated by it. Robbins further elaborates on the power of anticipation versus reaction using a vivid analogy from video games, where children win not because they are smarter or faster, but because they anticipate moves before making them. In business and life, this translates to running two businesses simultaneously: the current one you operate in and the future version you are becoming; focusing solely on the present risks being replaced by others who have a vision for growth, while fixating only on the future disconnects you from immediate joy. He notes that stress typically stems from dwelling in the past or worrying about an uncertain future, whereas ideal functioning involves grounding oneself in the present moment while maintaining anticipation for what is to come. This balance allows for resilience and the ability to bounce back effectively, contrasting sharply with the reactive nature of those who feel controlled by their environment. Addressing mental health trends, Robbins critiques the reliance on antidepressants like SSRIs, citing meta-studies suggesting they may be no more effective than sugar pills compared to activities like dancing or music listening. He posits that medication often merely numbs symptoms without resolving the root issue of misplaced focus and meaning-making. True healing comes from recognizing that we cannot control the external world but can fully influence our internal landscape by choosing where to direct attention, how to interpret events, and what actions to take next. Ultimately, he reframes philanthropy not as a sacrifice for the wealthy but as an act of "intelligent selfishness," arguing that giving kindness—whether through time, money, or simple acts like buying coffee for strangers—triggers biochemical changes in both giver and receiver that foster lasting well-being and self-esteem beyond material accumulation.
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just dig into that uh difference between
focusing on what's right versus focusing
on what's wrong when it comes to your
trajectory in life I think it's
important to realize wherever focus goes
energy flows it's corny but it's true
right um in fact maybe an easier way of
saying it is uh we don't experience life
none of us do we experience the life we
focus on so in any moment what's wrong
is always available so is what's right
so it's not about being positive it's
about being intelligent right you know
when you're in a a negative State and
you know the world's going to end and
there are people like believing that in
the next 12 years you know the entire
environment's going to collapse and they
won't have a child um you know you got
to look at the impact of what you're
believing and you got to look at and say
you know where's my focus going there's
I can always be upset about something I
can always find something to be joyous
or at least grateful for which leads to
Joy and I think it's having that
learning to discipline your
disappointments you know not allow them
to grow and to move on and to use
whatever life has given you but to me
it's like I think there's uh three
decisions that people make every moment
of their life now I'm not saying they
make them consciously if you make them
unconsciously you have the same patterns
over and over again and usually they're
not good ones right sometimes they're
good but not usually um and I learned
these really because I had an experience
when I was 11 years old I had I was my
fourth father and he got fired and we
had no money and no food we were always
poor but I mean we wouldn't have starved
we had Saltine crackers and and peanut
butter right but when everybody else
around you was having a big Thanksgiving
dinner uh it was pretty depressing and
my mom and dad were um saying things to
each other that once you save them you
can't take them back and I have a
younger brother five years younger and a
younger sister seven years younger so I
felt like the parent almost I'm trying
to protect them I'm only 11 years old
and what changed my life is this bang on
the door I go open the door and there's
this guy big guy with groceries in both
hands and he had a pot on the ground
with an uncooked
turkey and he looks at me and says is
your father here and I'm like just one
moment I'm just like this to me was like
Christmas right this is the greatest
thing it's going to stop the fighting
it's going to be incredible so I go to
my father and I say you know Dad Dad
somebody at the door for you and he's
yelling at my mom through the closed
door that she slammed on him and and he
goes you answer I said I did it's for
you he goes who is it I said I don't
know they said they got to talk to you
right and I have this level of
excitement like little boy excitement
like this is going to be the greatest
thing my dad opens the door and I'll
never forget the look on his face he got
angry which shocked me and he said to
the man we don't accept charity before
the guy even said anything he went to
slam the door and the guy had leaned in
slightly so it hit his shoulder and it
bounced off of him which made my dad
even matter and then he said uh he goes
sir sir I'm just the delivery guy you
know somebody knows you having a tough
time everyone has a tough time and they
just want you to have a great
Thanksgiving with your family my father
says we don't accept charity goes to
slam it again but I think because he
leaned in his foot came in now now it
hit his foot and bounced open again just
like now I got fear run into my body
because I know my father right and uh
and my father looks at him and the guy
looks at him and says something I
thought my father's gonna punch him in
the face he and he didn't do it mean he
was had a softness in his face and he
said sir he saw me and he said don't
make your family suffer because your
ego and the veins of my father's side of
his neck were like this he's R I thought
for sure he was going to punch the guy
and then all of a sudden his shoulders
dropped like defeated he took the
groceries he slammed them on the ground
Slamm the door didn't even pick up the
turkey and didn't say thank you or
anything and shortly after that he left
our family which to me at the time was
the worst experience in my life I
thought and um and so I was kind of
obsessed with trying to figure out why
and I didn't figure it out for a couple
of years I had versions of it in my head
but now I use it in my life every day so
I submit it to your viewers as well
these are the three decisions that I
think everyone makes every moment first
you're doing it right now what are you
going to focus on you're going to be
focusing on my story I'm telling you you
can be focusing on the next question
you're going to ask you can be focusing
on how your stomach feels if you've not
eaten there's a million things you could
focus on literally but we don't
experience life we experience the part
of life we focus on and so the bottom
line is I know my father and I had a
different experience because we had
different different focuses that I was
focused on was food you know what a
concept this is cool he was focused on
that he had not taken care of his family
and I know that because you know he said
it about 20 times under his breath and
my mother echoed it of course um the
second decision though the minute you
focus on something your brain has to
decide what does it mean and meaning is
what creates emotion and emotion is
where your life is right and so the
quality of your life is the quality of
your emotions if you got a billion
dollars in every day you're pissed off
and angry your life's quality is called
pissed off and angry if you got three
beautiful children a husband or wife you
love but you worry all the time your
life is worry you know so his focus and
then his meaning that was the worst part
the meaning he gave it was that he was
worthless and didn't belong here and
that usually leads to the third decision
which is what are you going to do and
like if you think if the meaning is
something happens you say this person is
dissing me you know disrespecting me or
is this person challenging me or is this
person coaching me or is this person
loving me if you think they're dissing
you you're going to have a very
different emotional reaction than if you
think they're coaching you or loving you
and then of course that's going to
change what decision you make because if
you're angry you're going to make a
different decision than if you're
playful or generous or whatever the case
may be so those three decisions control
our lives but so your viewers or
listeners I give them an opportunity to
take a look at it because there's some
patterns that you can make some simple
patterns and change your whole life a
focus so the first one is and I'd ask
you two questions for you one Chris is
what do you think most people's answer
to this question is and the other is
what's yours if you're ready ready to
play all right for it's real simple we
all have a pattern of focusing on what
we have and at times on What's
Missing which one do you think most
people spend more time focusing on what
they have or what's missing what's
missing what do you focus more what's
missing yes it isn't something that
comes the focus on What's Missing is not
something that comes with someone who is
a failure it comes very much with people
who are very successful and the question
then becomes if you're always focused on
missing how can you sustain
happiness you're in a permanent place of
lack that's correct so scarcity is there
so you'll have drive right to keep
staying on the hamster wheel of
achievement but you're not going to see
much fulfillment not in a sustainable
way it's impossible it has nothing to do
with you or me right it's just software
and we got a soul we're not software but
you run your software so often you start
thinking you're mind is you versus my
mind is a tool that I'm going to use or
if I don't use it it's going to use me
so the majority of people do that and by
the way during covid that number
exploded because so many things were
taken from people they were constantly
focused on What's Missing and that
produces nothing but pain second
question and I think I know your answer
to this one which do you tend to focus
on more which do you think most people
focus on more what they can control or
what they can't control and then which
one do you focus more on uh I think most
people would probably focus on what they
can't
control I'm an even balance I would say
between the two I'm working quite hard
to try I was going to say you strive
it's part of you know your philosophy
right to focus on what you can control
right so that's a part of the stoicism
philosophy of stoicism right so but most
people you're absolutely right now in my
seminars it's different because I got 15
20,000 people ask that question and the
VA vast majority of them say they're
focused on What's Missing but the vast
majority of them say they do Focus and
what they can control that's why they
came MH why would they spend their money
and time they want to take control of
their business or their body or their
relationship what the case may be so
they have a different belief structure
if you have both of those out of whack
you got some real challenges most people
have at least one out of whack which
creates stress and then the third one
and there's many more than these but
just quickly for the people at home and
I'm asking them to do this for
themselves if they want to where do you
tend to focus more your past your
present or your future we all spend all
three but where do you spend more of
your time what do you think most people
do where do you h I guess most people
just not the present perhaps dreams for
the future uh for me I would say mostly
in the future as well yeah and that's
where most Achievers live me too um I
have to discipline myself not to do that
because what makes you an achiever is
anticipation you've learned by a long
time anticipation is power as I'm
listening I'm watching you you're
anticipating you're processing right
dopamine's a hell of a drug yeah yes it
does and it gives you a sense of control
and there you know also if you don't
anticipate it's like taking a play a
video game against the child now you're
a different generation so you might kick
the child's ass I don't know but my
generation I didn't play any video games
so if a child you know is your your
nephew or your niece or your or your
grandson granddaughter or your son or
daughter and you give them a gift let's
say of a playing a video game you give
him a new video game for Christmas or
the birthday what's the first thing you
oh come play with me pops come play with
me Uncle come play no no no I don't I
don't do those things oh let me show you
it's so easy boom boom boom boom boom
boom three shots boom boom they're
they're going great so some part of be
funny says I'll show this little bastard
something here I'll go ahead and do this
thing here all right fine give me this
thing but you should know you're being
set up when the kid says something to
you like you go first right and so you
go and you go boom boom boom and you're
dead in four seconds right the kid goes
not bad not bad for the first time right
and then they take
the and 45 minutes later you get your
second turn right now you're really
pissed maybe you make it two minutes the
kid goes for another 45 why does the kid
win every time is it because they're
smarter f faster younger no it's cuz
they've played this game before they can
anticipate the first bad guys here the
second bad guys here you're in reaction
they're anticipating so it has
tremendous power so it's addictive when
you learn to anticipate and and it's
also a great skill set for business for
life and so forth I always tell people
you're running a business you're always
running two businesses the business
you're in and the business you're
becoming if you only focus on the
business you're in someone's going to
replace you if you only focus on what
you're going to become you're going to
have the cash flow to be able to get to
that place right so it's a very similar
situation inside of where we are so for
each of
us most of us who are Achievers tend to
focus on the future but all the joy is
in the present right you can have some
anticipation the future and be excited
about you can most people stress comes
from either the past or the future the
majority of people spend a lot of time
in the past right and the problem is you
can't change it and and you can use it
as a reference to Me Maybe for you I
don't know project you've probably come
a long way in your life as my guess from
love Island to you know modern wisdom
that's quite a journey I to tell I I
can't believe that you did that bit of
research that was the thing that you
dredged up but yes yeah yeah yeah the
the the typical trajectory from love
Island to this podcast yeah yeah
difficult so there's been some growth in
your psychology your spirit your soul to
say the least right so the contrast of
remembering where you were and who
you've become is probably a beautiful
thing but if you use it that way but
most people go back and they ruminate
about the past or they ruminate about a
future that they can't control and the
present's there so the goal is ideal is
fuel the ideal fuel is the combination
of the two present it gives you that
centered grounding and anticipation for
the future the ability to bounce back
and forth is the ideal for people so I
give you an example to wrap this up um
do you know anybody who has I asked this
when I have an audience you know giant
audience how many of you will say know
somebody who takes anti-depressants and
there's still depressed yes yes 90% of
the room will raise their hand how's
that possible because first of all two
years ago they did The Meta studies on
the cover of Newsweek and it said ssris
do not work sugar pills work as well as
ssris dancing dancing to music was more
effective by some huge margin yeah you
you rather study we're still giving to
everybody doesn't make any sense should
be salsa classes
just but it's just you think of the
insanity of that of us continue to do
what doesn't make any sense so I think
you know your question is really focus
bringing it back to the focus I think if
we make the right decisions the first
one is what we're going to focus on and
that's just a habit you change anything
take that person why is that person
depressed still because all that drug
does is numb you and numbing doesn't
deal with the issue what's the real
issue you're constantly focused on
What's Missing versus what you have
you're focused on what you can't control
and there's two worlds right the
external world the internal world we
can't control the external world we can
influence it we can't control it if you
think you're in control you have a deep
illusion I went to Mexico recently you
and I were talking off the air and I
discovered I couldn't even fully control
my bowels it's not something I want to
talk about but it's like all the
willpower in the world doesn't mean
squat no pun intended right so it's the
part we can control is what's going on
inside of us and that we can control
what we focus on we can control the
meaning we can decide the meaning we're
the meaning makers and we can decide
what to do and when we to make those
three decisions we're in control of our
life and all the anxiety and [ __ ]
tends to go away especially if we're
trying to do that to serve something
more than ourselves not like you're so
unselfish you're not going to succeed
because you can't serve something more
than yourself and not benefit right so
it's like it's not like you're
sacrificing you know the people that
play that game it's not a sacrifice it's
like philanthropy you know I hear people
talk about well philanthropy well a
friend of mine the other day was on an
airplane and somebody was reading I had
my book you had triggered me it was life
force and person was really into it he
said what do you he's known me for 45
years and he says what do you think of
that book oh it's incredible the stem
cells and this you can't believe the
breakthroughs I don't know why we didn't
know about this and blah blah blah what
do you think of the author oh he seems
like a really good guy and he donated
all the profits to feed people course he
goes course he's totally Rich so I mean
I mean it's easy when you're rich right
and my buddy turns to him and he said
well what if I told you that I knew him
since he was 17 years old 45 years ago
and that I remember when he had $20 to
his name there was a guy in the street
and he gave him 10 bucks
and told me that the time to give is
when you don't have it and he said and I
watched him build that all the way up
there he taught me that if you don't
give a dime out of a dollar you're not
going to give a 100 million out of a
billion right and it's like people look
at things and they make their focus
something like oh I'm sacrificing or I'm
going to do philanthropy because you
know I'm I'm rich no you do philanthropy
because it's a source of kindness and
love philanthropy can be your attention
philanthropy can be your time
philanthropy can be a buck five bucks
philanthropy you're in line with people
in Starbucks and you you know I remember
doing this research I couldn't believe
it if you buy five people who you don't
know their coffee you get a biochemical
change that has a more lasting impact
than most things you could purchase for
yourself in so including large purchases
so it's like it's intelligent
selfishness is the truth you can't
possibly do good and not feel good when
you want some self-esteem do something
worthwhile Beyond just yourself and
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