17 Ugly Psychology Truths No One Wants To Admit - Adam Lane Smith

you love posting threads of ugly psychology truths on the internet I love learning about them and then we get to talk about them on the show So today we're going to go through as many as we can the first one which I thought was fascinating women think that having sex with a man on the first date will bond him to her but that doesn't work with secure men or avoidant men it really only works with crushingly insecure men who crave approval and women don't want to bond with those men men we don't we don't get the same kind of hormone release that women do and we don't process it the same for us it's a lot more dopamine it's not the same level of oxytocin quite that they get so we are very different women if they have an orgasm with a man they're probably going to bond with him this is why casual sex is so so difficult for women and especially maintaining friendships um and just steady platonic or casual friends with benefit situations for women this is why they turn Friends with Benefits into situationships this is why this happens they will start off agreeing one thing then do the other you've probably seen this before I'm sure um men don't bond that way they don't they just don't typically if there's already a bond happening yes then having sex can be unitive and it can make him love you and and and not love you but make him care for you more it can increase his affection for you it can increase the bonding but the connection already has to be there you don't get a guy to fall in love with you doing that so this whole first date sleep with them on the first date so he'll stay around that's a whole other thing yeah I wonder whether it's women using their theory of mind I think in The evolutionary psychology literature it's called cross-sex mind reading failures so um they believe that if it was me the only way that I would be able to sleep with somebody is if I felt very deeply about them therefore if this happens with the man then this is how he must feel about me and it's a failure of of using your own theory of mind you're very right it's also I've been studying a lot into mirroring neurons especially when we're little children so when we're born we have the amygdala and then we have a lot of mirroring neurons it's two of the only structures that are really fully formed at Birth and are mirroring neurons we're supposed to have mom mom is supposed to be paying attention to us and and looking at us and mirroring our expression to her so that we we feel interesting to people just by existing and then when we make a face she mirrors it back to us and we start mirroring each other and we say other people will respond to me I am enough if Mom doesn't she's depressed she's tired she's exhausted she's working three jobs and is never there we're in daycare all the time if we've had NICU trauma if we've had various issues our brain says mom is not mirroring me or or I can't get a response I have to be interesting to get Mom's attention this is where kids start acting out a lot or they go Inward and don't believe they can get any kind of response the response tries to dies the desire to even connect so then people are trying in dating to be interesting they're trying to stimulate late others women say I have to sleep with them on the first date or he'll lose interest when you hear that her mother probably didn't mirror with her correctly her father didn't mirror with her correctly she learned I have to be interesting and stimulating guys same thing when they try to dance for women's approval it's that mirroring neurons all the way back have you you've probably met guys like this right that try to be interesting instead of be real yeah I think there's a a massive lack of confidence and insecurity around authenticity there's all manner of rumor and half truth and full truth and no truth about vulnerability and when it's right to open up and when you shouldn't open up as a man and you know the more layers of of Bro Science and and half remembered hearsay that you layer on top of an interaction the more performative it becomes the more Persona and less person there is in the interaction and the more that that happens the less you actually feel connected with what you're doing because you're not connecting from you to a person you're playing a role so even if you do get the outcome that you want the person isn't in love with you they're in love with this projection that you've given them and you know this is such a it's such a dangerous Catch-22 to fall into it's the reason I think fundamentally that the actual hardcore pickup World failed for men that were unconfident with women because what it taught them was that the person they had to be and the person that they genuinely were so far apart if I need to go through this massive rigmarole and say did you see the fight with two midgets outside isn't that and then I've got a neggar and like twist the lemon and I've got to like you know ignore her and chat up her friend and do all this [ __ ] it's like if I have to go through this complex [ __ ] rain dance to try and get a woman to go to bed with me and that's not what I would do what does that say about me and absolutely you know it's one of the problems of taking your cues from culture as opposed from yourself and again you know a lot of this could come from parenting problems too it is think of this there's from from what I have found there are two different dating pools and they don't flag or signal to each other at all they have almost no crossover they're not even aware of each other there's a secure people who want that direct human authentic connection of we are together we are talking we're sharing this Bond they don't want stimulation because it feels weird too much stimulation up front feels weird to them they understand that connection so they want the right bonding experience then there's the insecure pool that everybody is trying to be interesting interesting interesting and they're playing that anxious or that avoidant dance over here two different pools that never cross so when you see guys every woman out there expects you to be eight feet tall and have an 18 inch dick and you have to have 10 billion in the bank and no no you don't and you don't have to dance for her amusement and endlessly play games or have dread game or control her that's only going to work on those insecure women over here it's never going to work on secure women they will get up and walk away you're going to look confusing to them or disinterested and they're going to track as confusing or disinterested for you the two dating pools are segregated out completely according to this model it is wild to see yeah and you know just to kind of round out the women having sex on a first date thinking that it'll get a man to bond with her I I I really really don't think that many of the girls that listen to the show will think that but if there is or if you've got a friend that does think that like price is an indicator of quality and for almost all of human history there was a courting period that needed to occur even if the courting period was passive because you lived in the same tribe together and she observed you being competent and reliable and trustworthy and bringing back a big wildebeest and helping out with the whatever whatever right so there is a period of of value uh justification from man to woman and also from woman to man and if you shortcut that the presumption from a lot of guys and I can tell you this from first and second hand experience if a woman gives it up too easily the assumption is well she'll do this to any man correct that's that's the first thing men think of that was a great hamburger everyone is eating this hamburger I'll come back when I'm hungry but it's not the hamburger I'm gonna sell for [ __ ] yeah all right next one a person obsessing over politics is a good indicator that their personal relationships are a mess unless they're financially invested in the political sphere they're probably compensating for feeling powerless in their life if you're looking for someone to save you they're not going to save you number one and you need to actually do the work in your own life are there things that impact you yeah there are should you be completely obsessed with finding the right person who's going to save you and all of society nah Chris how many people have you met that are obsessed with politics to a degree that they're not really involved in them it's their sport yeah quite a few Twitter right I mean that's that's a large part of what drives Twitter's business is arguing over who is going to save us best and who should be the enemy and who we outside and who we Exile and if if they're doing that that's not done by people who are happy let's say it another way the happiest people are not on social media yelling about politics they might be on social media posting about their kids or they're going to be out with their kids or their family or their best friends they're going to be building a life they have so much more to do than just politics and they just navigate around the politics that are happening so you think that it's a compensatory mechanism every single time I have seen someone come into my therapy office or now my coaching and start talking to me endlessly about this is so important this person and this I say okay let's steer it back to your life they will steer it away from their life back into politics because they think that they are showing who they are by by following the right things and having the right politics and they think that that gives them value and it also makes them feel safe because they can talk about it and again they're trying to be interesting they're trying to stimulate they're not even having a real conversation they're not discussing it it is just a compensation in every capacity and they will not talk about the gaps in their own life they want to run away from that I wonder if a little bit of it is externalizing the locus of control that look my life isn't where I want it to be my relationships aren't where I want them to be and it's the fault of whatever's going on outside it's the economy it's because of social media it's because of Silicon Valley it's because of immigration or the war in Ukraine or the price of pharmaceuticals or estrogens in the water like putting the blame outward onto something that you kind of know that you can't impact is is actually a really perverse type of victim mentality because you know that you're not going to stop estrogens from getting into the water you know that you're not going to change the war in the Ukraine this isn't to say that you can't have an issue with this you can't be aware of this you can't campaign for it and make changes for it but if it is the fundamental driving force in a life where you feel powerless and you point the finger of blame that is the equivalent of pointing the finger of power you say the Ukraine that's what has all of the power over my relationships and my mood the the economy that's what has all of it and these things were not separate from these things but absolutely there is I feel like there is a non-insignificant cohort of people who use Politics as an excuse to not engage properly with the challenges that they're facing in their life absolutely if someone bring I'm not saying that the political pieces aren't a problem yeah the economy sucks yeah it does but here's the real test is when someone is complaining about a political thing ask them okay what are you going to do about it what are you going to do about it if they have an answer they are taking control in their personal life if their answer is we have to elect so and so they will save us or we have to shoot the other side in the head or if that's their answer no that's not going to help them in any way shape or form they don't actually have any control like you locus of control you nailed it I love that their locus of control is externalized and they are hoping someone will save them it's it's very much the same of watching a sports team and saying when the sports team wins they say we won it's exactly the same thing um right next one people are more likely to take a pill for years that they don't understand and don't think will actually help them then they are to attempt even one uncomfortable conversation that could save their life people number one will trust institutions blindly because there's that locus of control this doctor will save me this doctor said this medication will save me it will make me feel better sometimes the placebo effect works for that and that's scary um people don't want to do the work though because the work is exhausting the work takes willpower the work takes hope taking a pill doesn't take hope you just have to put it in your mouth and swallow it and you can just see how it works in six weeks doing the work is hard and when they don't feel that they can affect change and they don't feel that they can actually make anything happen so work is pointless work is scary work will just confirm for them that they're helpless so they don't want to do the work they don't want to have the conversation pill is easier how how many times have you seen somebody come into your practice that is sort of one difficult conversation away from a radically different life that is pretty much every person who comes into my office and my coaching session is what conversation are you too terrified to have how do we build you up to where you can have that how do we decrease your anxiety and difficulty to have that go have it and they go have it and it reorients their whole brain and their whole life starts to change and they start fixing their life because then they can have the next conversation and the next one and the next one their brain chemistry balances out they're they're porn addictions go down even as their brain chemistry balances out it's incredible to watch but it is almost always one conversation away from fixing their life and that conversation makes them feel like they're going to die if they try to have it that's that's everything why is that the case why do we fear the difficult conversations that we have to have so much as kids we learn this is attachment this is what I teach as kids we learn that somebody is not going to take our needs seriously and in fact that if we try to get them to take it seriously they're going to hurt us they'll abandon us they'll tell us we're not worthy of their time they'll brush us off they'll yell at us so trying to get someone to take our feelings or our needs seriously is terrifying and in fact when we're little kids it can get you abandoned and that abandonment is linked to death when you're a little kid but you you feel like you're going to die so it's an amygdala response that forms the theories go that amygdala's amygdala memories stay with us for life you remember that opening up and asking for help gets you hurt really bad to an extent that you can't take ever again because it could destroy you so then one big conversation is the most terrifying thing on earth people would rather face physical pain than that emotion or that social pain what is your advice to somebody who probably knows that they do have an incredibly uncomfortable conversation they've been putting it off for weeks months years and now they are almost in a relationship with that relationship they have with the conversation where do they go where are the first steps that they go to to get past that figure out what outcome you want for that relationship with that person what relationship would you rather have with them than the one you have right now the fake one that you have right now then take that relationship pitch it to the person and say I want this relationship with you to get there we have to overcome this issue here is how I would like this conversation to go do you want that conversation do you want that relationship also if so how can we together handle this issue here's what I need what do you need and you build a solution focused approach to solving that problem that is cooperating during conflict that is how you build a secure attachment that's how you build great relationships this is also how you prevent the other person from exploding in your face as long as they are a halfway reasonable human being they probably want the same vision of relationship you do and if the you give them hey this is what we're going to do to get there they don't have to fight you or defend against you it's not an accusation it's let's solve this to get to that and that makes it so much easier if you can approach it that way you'll solve most of your relationship woes what is the other side of the fence here so that is the pathway for somebody who needs to have a conversation to have it you mentioned people are likely to take a pill for yours they don't understand in opposition or instead of having a difficult conversation what happens when somebody continues to Tamp down the things that they know that they're supposed to say what's going on in the brain in the body with everything else so those people end up usually really deficient on oxytocin and oxytocin is crucial for managing your physical pain so a lot of these people end up with chronic pain issues oxytocin also releases Gaba gamma aminobiric acid Gaba is responsible for a lot of melatonin and helping you sleep at night and relax your body it helps you use magnesium effectively to manage stress it's an inhibitory neurotransmitter for crushing down anxiety depression symptoms and all of those are missing if you don't have those healthy relationships with good conversations your high cortisol will actually block that production of oxytocin which will block the production of that Gaba as well so have the conversations your pain will start diminish emotionally mentally physically everything will start to diminish and your satisfaction in life will go up you have to have those conversations because it's killing you not to I suppose it's a a double-edged sword that people who need to have conversations will often lie awake at night thinking about the conversation that they haven't had but they've also created this neurochemical Foundation which is restricting their ability to sleep as well that's right that's right A lot of my clients will take a uh they they will what is the word micro dose a little bit they'll experiment with micro dosing sometimes they just need to learn physical body techniques to manage their anxiety whatever it takes to decrease the anxiety enough to go have the conversation that's the point of pharmaceuticals with with mental Pharmaceuticals most of them is decrease the symptoms to do the work so get the symptoms down do the work and you shouldn't need those Pharmaceuticals much after that because you've already solved the problem that was there in the first place most cases of depression are a natural response to our broken Society we gain much of our sense of worth purpose meaning and Joy from our relationships but those relationships have never been more systematically destroyed than they are today how have they been systematically destroyed how do you categorize modern society as being broken so we look back 200 years ago it wasn't perfect but families we had we had five safety nets that if a family didn't go right a child would connect to one of their five safety nets you've got your core nuclear family you've got your extended family Network around that grandmother's grandfather's uncles aunts cousins you've got the Kiff and kin Network after this so you've got like way out family members you've got the surrounding family friends the friends that you have are going to grow up with you've got your neighborhood your tribe your village your little town the people around you outside of that that you can connect to and then you've also got your religious connections your religious identity the religious Network and Community you're tapped into those five pieces if your family doesn't connect with you somebody outside that family will a grandmother and aunt somebody will step in you've got your kith and kin Network people to grow up with peers and other people to connect with these this is where you'd get married most likely you've got your overall Village your connection point with the other people around you right maybe a thousand people and then you've got your religious connections as well um Jr Tolkien he was raised by a priest his that was his safety Network everything else fell through he was still raised by a priest and brought us Lord of the Rings there are so many connection points Within These five and all of those are pretty much gone now except you got your nuclear family which even that is shattered especially here in America those five networks are crucial and if you don't have them kids slip right through the net all the way down to suicide um what would you say to the people who wouldn't predict or don't understand why worth purpose meaning and joy come from relationships a lot of people will find this from their work from Pursuits that they have uh from the kind of content that they consume stuff like that to think of relationship first purpose-filled lives seems I don't know it it doesn't seem very common I hear that I understand that part of that is because most people don't have those relationships so they didn't grow up experiencing what it's like to have an impact on another human being to feel a connection with another human being they didn't grow up with much of that so nobody impacted them in a much of a positive way they can't understand then and calibrate around trying to have an impact on other people so an artist many artists yes they're creating because they have that desire to create but their legacy Focus for their art is to impact other people to drive them to think to help people to grow to inspire other artists an author is not just writing a book for themselves an author is writing a book for an audience for human beings a therapist is not just becoming a therapist because it will be satisfying to them to be a therapist they are going to make an impact on the world your job your craft your hobby all of these create human impacts and if you've never experienced a human impact yourself it's very difficult to imagine what kind of human impact you could create that would then be worthwhile file to create a legacy you Chris man watching you has been incredible but think about your human impact of this show you're not doing a podcast because you enjoy talking into a microphone you are changing the culture you are uplifting certain voices right you are changing the conversation the macro conversation our micro conversation is going to echo through that macro conversation out in society and start making a shift you are having a tremendous human impact on the human race and you are one person doing that your work has tremendous meaning that way because that human impact but if nobody ever listened to your show ever or was ever touched by your show they wouldn't have that same meaning to you yeah that makes sense I I remember we had a conversation one of the previous episodes about uh pan generational houses and the Rarity of that now so uh I think you had this super viral tweet a couple of years ago that said something like a don't forget that moving out of home is a psyot by the government to make you have two mortgages instead of one um you know because and it was it's so obvious in retrospect you think you know families would have had three generations four generations of not just your straight nuclear family but extended family too living on some sort of farm working for a farmer you know even if it's not your farm it's you and your family are within that yep I was seeing some research I think uh it might have been you I see you so often on Instagram I can't even I just attribute everything to you now um but there was some research that shows that by the time your child is 12 years old you've already spent 75 percent of the time in your life that you will spend with them now in modern world by the time they are 18 you've spent 90 percent of the time you're likely to spend with them across the course of your life you only have about 10 percent left through the course of their entire adulthood that you are going to touch base with them or see them and that is a very modern concept because that is not how humans are meant to function to go like that and Scatter that hard 20 what are those numbers about a hundred years ago most people didn't move more than 15 miles from the place of their birth they wouldn't even travel more than 15 miles from the place of their birth or they would get lost and never be able to find their way home now what do we do I'm just gonna pack up on a move to Dubai then maybe I'll move to Australia I saw my parents four or five years ago I don't remember I don't know what Dad's doing oh he's dead well that's really sad I okay well I will cry later but first I have to fly to France this is becoming so much more common and one of my dearest friends um his his all of the children in his family scattered and finally wonderfully they all came back together to have children to get married they gathered around their mother who was 57 years old and only only maybe five to ten years away from retirement age and all of her family was there all of her kids were there her grandkids were there and then she got a job offer for an extra ten thousand dollars a year if she moved 12 hours away so completely she just did it wasn't even a conversation in the family it wasn't well what all the opportunities we'll miss kids won't even see Grandma no it was ten thousand dollars that's great and they simply packed up and moved 12 hours away after this miracle reuniting of her entire family that that is Modern Life yeah that's terrifying you've got another one here everyone talks about how horrible the dating scene is for men today but the picture is painted as if women love the dating scene that's because most men look at women and think they're having a great time but most women are miserable in dating as well foreign I'm thinking of the way that pornography if a guy's been watching porn since he was 8 10 12 years old here in America if it's 10 12 is a lot where a lot of guys are introduced to porn they think women are just if a woman walks into a dark alley and five men grab her and have sex with her she's having the time of her life this is great because a guy hey if I walked into an alley and five women start having sex with me that would be wonderful I hope that happens like I would pay money for that the things men would pay money to experience women can wander out and experience anytime they want and guys look at that and say women must love it they're lucky they are so happy they get to date anyone they want they can Bang everybody on the first date she could bang 15 guys this week if she wants to she must be having the time of her life and then you look at women and you talk to them and even the ones who have tried hookup culture the vast majority of them say it was awful I was trying to find love I was sleeping with them hoping they would love me I thought it was supposed to be free and liberating and it's terrible and I'm miserable do some women fall into it and say well this is supposed to be fulfilling so I guess it's fine yeah but those women many people often eat McDonald's too and they'll say well the chicken nuggets are really healthy at McDonald's that's what I eat it's it's if you are used to only having slop available then you try to find the healthiest slop you can and that's where most women are in the dating pool right now and guys think that women are just on cloud nine and they are just wonderful happy princesses who are so joyous that ain't true not even close not even close you know I think um trying to turn down the animosity between men and women is is a pretty important sort of counter push at the moment you know this uh look at all of the matches that women are getting on on dating apps I'm like yeah but have you ever asked a normal attraction attractiveness woman to see the sorts of messages that she gets from Men on online dating apps it's [ __ ] catastrophic like it's absolutely I don't know who these guys are because they're certainly not the guys that I know and they're certainly not the guys that I'm showing it to they're like what the [ __ ] is this like what how why why would somebody try and say this and yeah it's the lack of understanding from both directions and I had this conversation a few weeks ago that the challenges of men and women in modern dating for women are often problems of abundance and for men are problems of scarcity and the problems of scarcity can seem more Noble in a way because you go well look you know like at least you have options I don't even have options but when you fold in the sort of physical vulnerability that women have and the [ __ ] shaming and concern of derogating her value and I'm gonna go on a date with this guy and you know me too who's created this echo of kind of ambient anxiety for all women whether it's Justified or truthful or not it creates an environment in which it's really really uncomfortable for a lot of women in the dating market and because they seem to be like just swimming in D guys presume oh well they're having a great time I mean well I don't know I I don't think that it's the case I think that you would have a lot more happy men if there were a lot more happy women I agree I have I have so many people coming to you let me ask you this Chris conventional wisdom and and your own experience um I have a swarm of people coming into my DMs and the coaching my group even just talking to me on the internet and they are overwhelmingly Desiring a committed monogamous relationship do you think it's mostly women or mostly men that I get hmm yeah women women but I can see it coming from I could see it coming from both sides both you're right you got you nailed it it is both there are so many men desperate to find a committed monogamous relationship with a woman who will just be loyal and honest to them and just kind loyal and kind those are the two things I hear most of all that men are looking for women same thing I want a honest stable man is what they are usually looking for honest and stable or honorable is another one that they also say but here's what happens is I tell them okay are you on the first date being clear that you are looking for a committed relationship not asking for one but being clear that's what you want at the end of the first date you say just so we're on the same page I'm looking for a long-term committed relationship what are you looking for do you do that oh I can't do that they'd get up and run from the table no one wants to hear that men don't want that or women don't want that you would think men are like women don't want commitment they're just having fun I've ever heard it is like dangling commitment is how men get sex from women that's how much women want it but men today have got this Psy up against them that women don't want commitment you've got this tweet which relates look most men in America are just wanting an honest monogamous relationship with a woman who's not going to betray them or Rob them blind and right now most men under 30 don't believe that sort of relationship is possible no one wants to acknowledge this disaster that's right that's so right it's why are there more Angry scared in cells why are more guys running into red pill why are guys committing suicide at catastrophic numbers right now as we're filming this there's guys committing suicide that won't even hear this that need to hear this it's because they don't believe they don't believe women want commitment they don't believe women will ever be loyal to them they've never experienced kindness usually from other people I've got other tweets on there that you've seen I know you've seen of um men that haven't had a hug or a compliment in five to ten years they haven't experienced human kindness they know what that's like then they go out into the dating pool hoping to just find a woman that they can quietly live alongside hoping she'll stay with him like a magical creature that's just in his presence it's horrible it's horrible and men and women are both miserable but men unfortunately do things about their misery 70 of divorces are initiated by women but it usually follows years and years and years of them begging men to take their relationships seriously guys will get online and talk about being blindsided after 20 years of marriage but usually dismissed every possible sign I wrote this book right up here above my head exhausted wives bewildered husbands for this reason is women as man as much as crap as women get on the internet about no women are loyal they're all faithless creatures man they will stay you've probably seen women stay with some guy for a long time who isn't worthy of her and keep asking how to fix their relationship do you get a lot of women asking you like hey Chris how can I fix my relationship do you get a lot of that I get bombarded by those questions thankfully not they they don't come to me for that kind of advice I mean my DM requests are a bit of a cesspool but um yeah there's all sorts of stuff in there I definitely think that looking at the cliche of the woman that stays I mean women stay with men that beat them yes women stay with women stay with men that cheat on them women stay with men that do all man they've got gambling addictions they've yes fritted away the entire family Nest Egg all this sort of stuff like yeah it's it's really interesting to think about this like the this Insight that guys do get blind side I don't know what happened just one day she up and left yeah well I don't know man what happened for the two decades before that correct correct and that's usually what it is is he really doesn't think that it was a big problem most men they don't track problems unless the woman is clear this is a problem and here's how we're going to fix it they have no understanding if the man doesn't believe it's a problem or doesn't believe there's an alternate or a solution he's not going to solve the problem the male brain looks observes and fixes it and acts upon looks and acts upon if he says she is whining for no reason she wants constant Euphoria there is no such thing as real love I'm giving her everything I can don't I give you my paycheck every time every time I get one they they they map their ability to love onto that and say there's nothing more than this and they don't take it seriously until she's ready to leave then he freaks out but she's already given up she's already given up by the time he says wait I'm willing to take it seriously now let's go to therapy let's go to this let's go to that then they go into into couples to coaching or couples therapy and it's he just says I'm done I'm tired I'm miserable then he's done this for 20 years and the therapist rips him apart and it's a hellish experience and that's that's usually what that is she's already given up man if men could you mean learn to track those questions more carefully it would work what do you mean when you say take their relationships seriously take the ability to give and receive love seriously take her her feelings seriously take his own desires seriously learn what love is and what it's supposed to be learn what emotional intimacy is and do it believe he will be taken seriously and open up to her right you point out brilliantly earlier that well the conversation online about vulnerability is if you are ever vulnerable to your wife she will instantly leave the house and sleep on with your best friend on your front lawn as you are inside still touch with your mouth open having shared something personal with her and that's just not true yes if you whine and SOB uncontrollably on the floor for six months about a problem with ever out ever getting up and fixing it she may lose respect for you and over time if you just sit there yes she may not respect you as a man anymore but women crave vulnerability they crave emotional intimacy it's how their sex drive Works after the first 12 months it drops off a cliff if you don't build that so build the emotional intimacy she's not going to cheat on you related to what you just said there men are often demonized in the first session of couples therapy there are two big reasons for this one women are usually better at articulating their grievances to criticize a woman too early and she is likely to stomp out of the session men will just take it so this is this is really interesting because it's showing us um both what happens from the client side and also from the practitioner side as well that there's there's behind the curtain and in front of the curtain are kind of working together here I I remember going through schooling so it was six years for a master's degree and then three years of focused apprenticeship under other clinicians to become a licensed marriage or family therapist nine-year experience and I remember the training they gave us about be careful with female clients and couples therapy because they have come in expecting that their feelings will be validated don't smother and stomp on the guy because all of you guys will do that the woman will be better at crying about her feelings she will have a list of grievances the guy is in there treating you like the enemy already so validate her feelings try not to stomp on him and then a lot of therapists would just go in there and do exactly that because she's crying her eyes out he's he never loved me never cares I do all these things and he's like I'm sorry you know I'm really sorry that you're having these feelings and then therapists are like well this is the direction you guys want to go cool hey guy here's the things you must do if you want to be a decent and then it just turns into this big Fest about let's fix the guy and meanwhile the woman's challenges and the things she's contributing go completely under the rug and the guys are exhausted by this there's a point there's a reason they don't want to go to couples therapy anymore what about women are usually better at articulating their grievances very very common for that I this happened it made me feel this way I didn't like it here's what I need you to do instead most guys can't articulate their emotions that way most guys have no idea what what did I feel I don't know why would I talk about my feelings uh this made me mad don't ever do it again and then it sounds like he's just yelling at them and ordering them around it sounds awful women will typically use more of what's called non-violent communication it makes them sound better it makes them look better women have better PR while they are talking about their feelings and therapists will say wow you're using good therapy language because women have read so many books they've done therapy themselves they've watched therapy dramas they have they know how to use the language that has seeped into our culture men often don't so it is you walk in and a lot of times the woman instantly forms a connection with the therapist the guy is blindsided and it's just a it's a horrible experience for the men most of the time yeah I suppose this isn't to kind of lay therapy Behavior at the feet of manipulative women it's just that they they have an unfair Advantage when it comes to communicating and articulating the problems that they've got they've probably spoken to their girl friends about this issue they've had a dry run of this 200 times before already and also I think based on one of our previous conversations you said that it's almost always the woman that gets the couple to go into counseling in any case yeah almost always unless it's his Hail Mary pass at the very end because she has been absolutely done with the relationship and he pitches it as a last-ditch effort and then he's going to walk in and be endlessly apologetic anyway and she's going to share all her grievances even more and it's going to get even worse so I remember as a marriage family therapist I had to work through that and they'd come in and I have to make sure I did not take a side that I did not Stomp all over him that I had invalid it over validate her but I remember I'd say what brings you guys in here and she would some of the women would clear their throat and they would open their purse and she would pull out a written list a written list and the guy's eyes would like widen and he would just I could see him like brace for impact and it it it's amazing it is amazing what happens inside the therapy room sometimes and if the therapist isn't guarded if they're not aware if they haven't received adequate training if they haven't taken care of their own problems if they're you know if they're all overly indulging of of women anyway in those circumstances right think of police right two people two people punching each other the police pull up they arrest the man and they throw him in handcuffs uh one of my one of my very dear friends was in an awful abusive relationship and the woman was punching him over and over and over in the face and he was trying to get away and she pursued him continuing to punch him so he grabbed her wrists to stop her from punching him in the face because he was so bruised and the police pulled up and his face was covered in bruises and he said she's punching me and they said you're holding her wrist so they put him in handcuffs tossed him on the curb held him down and then talked to her to see if she wanted to hold press charges as his face is all bruised from her punching him and she even admitted yeah I punched him and he grabbed my wrist okay well he could go to jail do you want us to take him right now that's that's you got to remember that that is brought into therapy too and you got to control for that how much are couples using therapists as like a mediator or as almost a communication tool rather than as an expert that can help them work through things it seems to me based on a lot of the stories I've heard from you that it's just an opportunity to vent you know they they're shouting things into The Ether but they don't actually need to turn and face the partner that's sat next to them because they can tell it to this independent third party and just blast it but really they're not saying it for the therapist they're finally getting the opportunity to take the uh stabilizers off and and unleash all of this pentapango you know what that is almost the better option of what can happen and what they trained us for in therapy and they warned us in school was this the vast majority of people of couples that come in have one of two outlooks one you are going to prove I'm right and change my partner for me or two I have already given up and I just need to prove it's not going to work by having a professional tell us it's not going to work those are the two biggest mindsets that come into fit into couples therapy and they said you will oversee so many breakups and so many divorces that you will want to quit your job so you need to brace yourself for the burnout that is coming as a couple's therapist because it is just a meat grinder they said you might be able to save five to ten percent of couples who come into couples therapy because only five to ten percent actually want a better relationship daycare has been shown to harm the ability to bond and feel secure especially for babies their mental health outcomes later in life are impacted research proves this saying this out loud can get you fired oh man we've already people are already mad um just from hearing that but yeah I I post this online and I get a flood of DMS from people demanding answers telling me I'm a liar and all I do is pull up one of the longest running studies in human history about daycare conducted by the Canadian government and just send them the link that shows how daycare especially early in life and especially in large amounts outcomes 10 20 years later in that child's life much worse more anxiety more symptoms more addictions more broken relationships and broken marriages more problems in their life strongly correlated with that daycare piece now does it definitively prove it was just the daycare no was it massively correlated in gigantic amounts that is concerning absolutely so yes that amount of daycare right there very very difficult what they've shown is that even putting your kids with Grandma or an aunt or a relative is even better than putting them into daycare with strangers that's what the Research indicates what are the age range risks primarily for this presumably putting them into daycare once they're four years old like you know they're basically in school then and I don't think that many people would look at school as being something that would negatively impact Health outcomes later in life because kids are going to be at least a little bit more well adapted by then well American public schools might negatively impact their life outcome what the research shows is that if you put a kid in public school there's a 9.3 chance that they're going to be sexually harassed or sexually abused by a staff member it's almost 10 percent here in America so it's one in ten just keep that in mind for public school here in America it's brutal uh however yeah you're right it is the lower rates the the lower ages they're born and Mom puts them in daycare within two weeks here in the United States maternity leave is does that happen even if you can oh yeah it's daycare after two weeks that's a couple weeks yeah daycare it put maternity here in America is a joke it is a joke if you can get the time off cool if you have have money saved up to be able to pay for it cool if your company has good you know maternity coverage good things like that great a lot of moms can't so a lot of moms they end up two three weeks maybe they can get six weeks maybe that's really like oh you got six weeks off wow good for you here in America so imagine putting your little baby at six weeks into daycare and you're not going to see them for 12 hours so in the morning you're exhausted getting up you don't see them for 12 hours dump them off with strangers who hopefully take care of them but they're not Mom and you're not probably having oxytocin bonding experiences as a baby like they would if they were on you all the time even just skin contact and end of the day you are exhausted so beginning of this we talk about those mirroring things you don't mirror much to them you don't engage them and talk with them and do endless mirroring with them they've just kind of sat there all day watching other people and they know when he engages with them and they're afraid because they're alone among strangers this is why daycare is so brutal for young kids yeah four five six if you're doing daycare for six hours a day you know something like that maybe a little bit better um but especially those early ages when you're forming the brain when you're teaching about love teaching about bonding teaching about connection absolutely not man yeah I I didn't know that's the first time hearing about the way that American maternity leave works in the UK mothers get nine months batches together so they can my business partner's wife has worked I think up until pretty much he was ready to pop each time because she wanted to maximize the amount of time oh yeah available after that but yeah nine months and then uh she did something else I feel like she had I'm pretty sure because she had three kids I I feel like she did something I'm pretty sure she managed to get sort of 30 months off over the space of like four or four and a bit years so you know this very very large chunk of time for all of these different kids and then when you've had multiple kids you you're overlapping kids upon kids right so yeah it was um that's wild to hear that the US has so he said no mandatory or mandated maternity leave at all well there there are there are um the pay is often not great and especially if your employer has to pay then you get three four women on staff who will go on maternity at the same time they can pressure you to come back um there's there's all kinds of problems that really contribute to this but there's not much protection for it there's almost no paternity leave anywhere all four of my children when they were born I had to just take unpaid vacation unpaid time off or use my vacation time or sick time I got one week off with each of my children a single week and when the first one was born we were so poor I could barely even afford one week it was a giant financial hardship for us to be able to take one week no pay it was rough so yeah fathers no almost zero paternity leave and mothers massive massive pressure to go back to work as soon as possible especially the financial pieces it's there's almost there's very little time that moms can really take off here in America at all we just dump them straight into daycare and then daycare is so massively expensive that if you have two kids you may as well quit your job because you're just paying for daycare at that point so yeah of course but you're just cycling through it if the money comes from me from the employer to me directly to the daycare and then there's this conduit I'm just this conduit in the middle all right next one yes most men don't know how female communication Works they provide Solutions which is what they would want when a woman wants validation when this is pointed out most men assume it's untrue because they'd hate to receive only validation instead of a solution so true is this surprising to you I want to ask you because you're about one of the most conversations after all the conversations that we've had um this this one seems pretty aligned with everything that you've taught me but the validation solution framework I I didn't know how much of it is a cliche how much of it is just stereotype you know that you know even in sitcoms and stuff women will say like I don't want you to give me a solution I just want you to hear me rant and I didn't know if that was real but accordingly think about this way I think it is let's make this make sense so when a woman has a difficult experience during her day and she comes home and she puts down her purse and the husband says hi sweetheart how was your day and she draws a deep breath and she's going to tell him everything that has happened today and about how her work enemy did this and how she ate this for lunch and her shoe didn't look quite right and she will unload all of these things here's what's happening a couple things are happening number one her logical brain is diminished to fuel an emotional Spike over on the emotional agitation side of the brain that's one thing that's happening so when you are stressed out that's what happens your logic is diminished your emotions go high but you want to do what women do is they process this with other women and as the other woman says wow oh I'm so sorry whoa wow oh that's amazing oh and they give him a hug and they just talk it through the agitation decreases so those mirroring neurons come back in she's not upset she's not scared it's not a big deal I don't have to stress about this and she cares about me she's listening to me I'm worthy of her time and then she gave me a hug it releases all kinds of oxytocin again Gaba releases after that it inhibits the anxiety response oh I feel so much better I am loved I am cared for someone gave me their time and I don't have to feel upset I feel so much better after 20 minutes of endless talking right women get this with each other they do this men the woman comes home well this happened and this happened he goes wait I already have a solution for you because the male brain observes a problem and then acts upon it I found the solution that we instantly like you should do this and she goes and she stops because her logical brain is diminished she's not ready for a solution yet she's trying to decrease agitation and bond at the same time she's saying I'm giving you everything of myself you're going to know about me we're going to bond we're going to share nope here's a solution what he has just done is said take this get out of my face I don't have time for you go over there please I'm going to go do this thing he's accidentally doing that he he's loving it he's like hey I gave you a solution we found it that fast we didn't even have to talk for 20 minutes we talked for three seconds this is great complete disconnect she's feels shut down he thinks he's done great her demeanor cools down she gets very standoffish and goes uh oh what's that what's wrong babe nothing nothing is wrong and she shuts down and they do this over and over and over that's how it breaks down so guys number one thing please for the love of God if she starts talking hey babe I really want to hear the story do you want me to just share and or are you wanting me to find a solution I just want to make sure I give you what you're looking for right here okay you want me to listen awesome I am here for it and you settle in with a bag of popcorn you just eat and you just wow that's amazing like it's the best movie ever that the problem is not whatever the problems you think they are the problem is she wants to bond with you solve that problem by giving her what she wants if you do this you will be the greatest husband on the face of the Earth what is the reverse what is it that women don't know about how male communication works and what do they get wrong men bond by teaching we bond by teaching and sharing Solutions mansplaining a large portion of mansplaining is men saying I care enough about you to give you this information man look at this podcast you asked me a question and I start teaching and I start guide like this is how men do and if we hit something where you're like yeah I know that part we skip it through it men will say I know that part skip ahead I know that part skip ahead and we do that until we catch up women don't do this women will just sit and listen to you and think why is he telling me the most basic stupid things on the face of the Earth why is he teaching me as if I'm a child he thinks I'm a child because they would only talk to a child that way so they he thinks I'm a child he's treating me this is such disrespect and the man is saying they're going man this is great I'm teaching her she's listening this is wonderful and he thinks he's bonding and then later he gets a call from HR about mansplaining this is one of the biggest things right here if a man teaches and shares and explains he is deeming you worthy of passing on knowledge and expertise if he's being a dick about it yeah that's another problem but most men just want to teach you they bond with you they release vasopressin and oxytocin while they're doing this and they expect you're doing the same one of the best things a woman can do is ask a man to teach her or train her in something it will bond him to you so much better than sex men get retroactively jealous of a woman's sexual past because they think about how much hypothetical fun they would have had if they did what she did but most women would trade their whole past for one loving partner for life it's a huge difference in perspectives so let's sort out two things here because I post this and I get all kinds of guys angry like Adam don't you realize there's a biological reason men would like a woman who's had low number of Partners well yes I do I recognize that 100 100 I married a woman myself who was had had no Partners previously um so I totally understand that there's a good biological reason for a man to want a woman who does not have 300 Partners totally fine totally understand that retroactive jealousy though is I think she did X Y and Z so she's gonna go do it with someone else again I'm holding her back or I'm not going to be good enough or there's a massive pressure on the guy especially if she's has experiences he hasn't had massive Expressions on the and and pressure on the guy to try to perform perform he sees again women in porn and well she wants this they are always happy in porn when they do this no no no no no no so most women will tell you that they got involved in in Wild sexual experiences to try to get someone's approval to try to be interesting to try to have some stimulation because they were so depressed or so unhappy I have never never met a woman that said I love my sexual past because it was so fun and fulfilling the only women who might say that are excessively avoidant women who have no idea what emotional intimacy feels like so they they rely only on stimulation and these are a tiny minority of the population most women will say I'm glad about my sexual past only because it led me to the man I am with now and now I am so fulfilled in our sex life because it is so intimate and bonded that's what they usually focus on women aren't really focused on have the biggest as many as many penises and as many large ones as possible and and 50 000 men and okay now I'm ready to settle down that's not really how it goes like men think that's how men think right sowing your Wild Oats that's a man thing women usually are looking for that connection and they have no idea how to get it and they are so happy when they're in a good relationship with you what would your advice be to a guy that is struggling to deal with his female partner's sexual past number one be realistic if you can handle it right if you if she's your first ever partner and she's had a hundred people and you're like this is all if it's overwhelming you might need to just call it because it might be too much it just might you might not be able to handle it to be honest with you no judgment on you either way Society may call you all kinds of things but no I get it like it may not be it may not be right number two if there's a religious component to it and if she's like no it was great that I did that and you're really she's really avoidant then maybe it's not going to be for you but what you need to do is this sit down and talk to her about her sexual uh desires now her feelings now her beliefs about sex now how seriously does she take it how seriously does she take the bond that happens what does she actually want from you how fulfilled was she in those experiences emotionally fulfilled talk to her about that hey you did X Y and Z what was that like for you that's the question most men don't have the guts to ask hey you had a threesome with two dudes what was what was that mentally and emotionally like for you was it a great time guys imagine the opposite and we think it's going to be amazing was it amazing most women will say no it was really disappointing but what about the terror if you're the the love of your life looks into your eyes and says yeah it was really really fun when I had two dudes in one bed that's it could be like cause some guy's heart to fall out it it could be then you need to know that don't shy away from the truth bro ask the truth get the truth and then say okay is that something that I'm holding you back from experiencing in our relationship do you want to go have that experience again she's probably if she's with you most likely to say no I do not want those experiences again I actually value our connections so much more than any of the fun I've ever had that's it I'm not saying women have never had fun I am saying that emotional intimacy is the massive driver for the real real bonding orgasm the female orgasm it's driven by oxytocin oxytocin builds through the emotional connection you share and then it builds more through foreplay as long as you do it you don't do it foreplay for an hour it will tank but you do the emotional bonding all day long through the relationship and then the foreplay and then sex and this is how women often can orgasm through vaginal stimulation without clitoral stimulation they can do this when their oxytocin is very high typically the research is cool on this and then they can have multiple orgasms because it keeps chaining their org their oxytocin higher and higher and higher a lot of women who can't orgasm I've worked extensively with couples where the woman cannot orgasm building the relationship and the emotional intimacy builds incredible orgasm experiences for them oxytocin that emotional intimacy is the bonding Point for women it is female Viagra so if guys out there if you're jealous of her past talk about the the Fulfillment she experienced and what would be more fulfilling now talk about that because you're going to find you are the one who fulfills her more than any of those people ever could have most men would rather hear their Partners say they respect him than they hear that they love him because respect has an acknowledgment of power he holds and The Honorable way he wields it let me ask you Chris would you rather hear I love you or I respect you it's pretty close uh I don't actually know I don't actually know uh this like I've got a soft side to me so hearing that someone loves me is really nice but sure respect respect definitely adds something that love doesn't and I think that love adds something that respect doesn't um but I would I would guess that the reverse is not true that if you to ask a woman do you want to be respected by your partner or loved by your partner that they're not going to have this same balancing act that I've got to try and do not not usually they will say usually that respect is part of love and that love is the one that's that indicates that respect is there but not so in the reverse a woman can love a man but not respect him and that's called the friend zone and you will be friendzoned if you do that that is the friend zone I love you but I just don't see you as a guy that that's the friend zone lack of respect lack of sex drive lack of Desire lack of trust so respect for men ultimately more important Chris I mean you are a respectable guy I respect you but have you ever had a woman actually think to say I respect you you have you ever had that most women don't even imagine that it's it's important yeah it's it's not something that I hear many of my friends saying that that they've heard from their partners I guess again the sort of theory of cross-sex mind reading thing the failure is well as a woman why would I be but I'm not bothered but like I want I want to be respected but like the fact that someone respects me is I guess mandatory on Route toward being loved but it's not something that I actually strive to have and I think you know a big a big chunk of this is probably explained by the fact that status is such a big determinant of a man's um survivability uh his reproductive success it is going to be very difficult for you to accumulate respect without also having status alongside it so what he hears when somebody says I respect you is you are somebody worthy of high status also and downstream from status a whole host of benefits well honor right a woman if a woman says I feel safe with you that is very close to I respect you I feel safe with you you are an honorable man you are a good man they usually stop shy of saying I respect you very few women will actually think to say I respect you to their men but if women out there listening to this I'm sure there's like a million women out there right now learn to say I respect you walk up to him put your hands on his chest lean in and say I respect you like watch his heart melt at that point because it is there's trust there is honor there is integrity there is everything good wrapped up in that love is I feel warmly towards you for most men I feel warmly and affectionate towards you and I will do what is best for you cool that's love you are an honorable respectable man with integrity and I trust you completely that's respect so guys out there push for respect More Than Love many people reading the above tweets about men needing to feel powerful will view that as a negative the ability to feed your children and keep a roof over their head no matter what the economy is doing that's power the ability to achieve a mission that's power many people today are terrified of the idea of men having power because their only frame of reference is abuse even men feel this way which is why they shy away from building the sort of power that would save their life become an abuser or commit suicide are their only choices male power is terrifying in the modern world but men must have power they want to kill themselves I'm a father I've got four kids I got number five coming in the way I think when you and I started I had like two kids they're just popping out everywhere I don't even know how it's happening um I think my wife is just finding him on the road I don't even know so I've got five kids now coming out and man groceries are expensive the US economy is getting so much worse our local grocery store had to put cameras in the meat area not because people are smuggling it out under the coats but because families are swapping labels from expensive meat to cheap meat so that they or big packs of meat to small packs of meat so that they can buy the bigger packs of meat for the same prices and not just Hooligans they are stealing meat not for resale to feed their kids families are stealing meat just to feed their kids there's a lot of families that have to choose what day of the week they're going to feed their kids meat right now in parts of this country and it's it's worse overseas there's families that you can't even have food overseas right what day of the week are we going to eat fatherhood is about providing it's about protecting it's about caring and and doing that that's why respect is so crucial because it's the ability to do those things power is mandatory for men and not the power to hurt people the power to protect and the power to build and create the positive aspect aspects of masculinity like I always tell people there's no there's no toxic masculinity there is masculinity or the lack of masculinity you Embrace responsibility or you don't and to have responsibility you have to have the power to fulfill it yeah the um this sort of conversation around toxic masculinity and where it comes from I had a really interesting framing of it where toxic masculinity isn't too much masculinity but a lack of it and you know more virtuous Integrity driven honorable uh respectable all of this folded together into a conception of masculinity really that to me seems to be the counter to what is missing like to any most of the modern conceptions put forward by the mainstream media around what an acceptable version of masculinity is supposed to be sounds an awful lot like stereotypical femininity it is we want you to be feminine so we feel safe that's usually what it is this would make us feel safe no it won't no it won't because then who's going to protect you who's going to make you feel safe in the world they are scared of men they are terrified of men women are petrified of men and right now men are petrified of women we are all so terrified of each other that men can't be masculine because they're they'll scare people and women have to be masculine to try to protect themselves from the perceived threats it's a horrible world right now we need more they're talking about uh many people today are terrified of the idea of men having power because the only frame of reference is abuse and it's a tyranny as well right it's that sort of tyrannical overbearing uncaring leader that hasn't got Prestige but has managed to sort of in a Machiavellian way get themselves into a position where they can manipulate other people and I I I understand I understand that compulsion I understand that fear but the alternative is like like this recent lizzo Scandal around where it turns out she wasn't body positive at all she was it made body shaming the dancers and you know that to me is the like female body positivity equivalent of the sneaky [ __ ] syndrome for men that you have this person who like ostensibly is out there I'm such a I care about X and Y and Z and then you find out secretly that they're one of the worst perpetrators of this I think Ellen DeGeneres was the same it's the it's the senator who is you know proclaiming anti-gay bills all day before he goes home to watch like gay porn on a VPN from a non-work laptop um it's just what is being pushed out and what is being um like pushed back against often identify I think where people's desires actually genuinely lie if you think about this also is radical feminism women who have feminist leanings will close their circles except to people who have feminist ideals which is I I loved how you pointed that the sneaky [ __ ] syndrome you have men who engage deeply in radical feminism to try to sneak in and then they are the worst abusers so then these women say Eve the The Men Who get it are still horrible so how much worse must all the other men out there be and that really radicalizes them very interesting because I saw there was do you remember 10 years 10 15 years ago there was a UK feminist who came out and said all men are horrible we have to put them in concentration camps women can go visit them but the world will never be safe until men are in camps I was like where would someone get this idea well if she's only been around male feminists I'm thinking of was it the Weinstein Scandal all of Hollywood all the male feminists in Hollywood it turns on the raping girls and raping people and and all kinds of stuff that's why the the best versions of men they have seen turned out to be sneaky [ __ ] abusers and this is where we're coming from now they are so scared because they think that's the best version of man have you seen this trend online of liberal women lamenting the fact that they can't find a man they're attracted to who isn't conservative yes absolutely I think if it's horrible good chunk of I think a good chunk of this is is played into with that uh there's a streamer dude um who he's going viral on the internet at the moment for basically saying that if you are a liberal woman who cares about her politics but decides to sleep with a conservative guy uh you're basic basically like you need to give you a head of wobble what on Earth are you doing this is kind of a betrayal of so and so and so on and it's like just the biggest display of intersexual competition and feet stomping and toys going out of the pram that I can imagine it's like any guy that isn't me that gets sex is unfair that's what I heard that's also true that it guys will do anything for sex if they are really insecure they will do anything for sex I mean we will build cultures to have sex it is incredible what men will do to have sex and the worse their insecurity is the more they're willing to give up or pretend or fake so I'm curious how many of those women who go out and sleep with conservative men the men were at least upfront and honest and just straightforward enough to say hey I'm conservative these are my values and the women probably responded to his honesty his confidence and his Clarity of what he believes and why it may not be he's conservative that turns me on it might be he is honest he is straightforward and he's not afraid to tell me how he feels and what he thinks because a lot of guys will use liberal policies to say I'm not like other guys I totally understand please approve of me give me a pat on the head give me a sympathy screw that's a lot of what those women see you've seen this data showing the skew uh liberal versus conservative amongst U.S school children at the moment oh gosh it's really really Stark it's it's just it's incredible females um are really diverging liberal and males are really diverging toward conservative so yeah you're going to end up with a scenario in which it's the technical term for it is woke fishing um you're going to have more and more guys portraying their liberal Bona fides or pretending to have liberal Bonafide he's putting those out front and saying you know I yeah of course I care about the environment and stuff and Nancy Pelosi I don't actually really think that her trades there's anything wrong with those and you know all the way down um because men will do a lot of things to get laid include including pretending to be a liberal but this is the this is the thing that I wonder how much of this is skewed I I know bags and bags of liberal guys especially ones that live here in Austin and they easily able to be just as like upstanding as the conservative guys what I think you're maybe seeing is a skew here partly because there is a lot of sneaky [ __ ] syndrome going on and people that don't have these views but another part of it is I wonder how many conservative dudes have woke fished their way in and women are like dude I I had this like one night stand with this guy and he didn't really seem all that truthful but he said he was a liberal and he's like no he wasn't he was a conservative in Disguise so yeah I wonder I wonder how much of that is is happening as well look I grew up in California as a kid and not too far from San Francisco there was a lot as far I've never heard the term woke fishing before but I have seen it my entire life about guys will do and say anything to have sex and then women have no idea what happened afterward and they're like what what where did you go oh he's over there sleeping with other women he told me he was gay and I was turning him straight like I've seen that stuff before like dudes will do anything and so will women sometimes to have a connection with the guy so that is not shocking to me I will say this I've I've worked with so many couples where they come in very liberal and they get married or or they're thinking about a deeply committed relationship and they will shame-facedly especially the women tell me they find themselves falling into gender right traditional gender roles and they will ask me if that's okay I'm like does it work for you well yeah but it's supposed to be bad and I feel like I'm betraying feminism well is he beating you with a stick every day and you're wearing you know and you're barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and like no well okay are you guys talking about how it works for you yeah well why do you think those traditional roles have formed in most societies on Earth because they're pretty effective for the way our brains work do you feel trapped in those roles no he's very considerate when I talk about it okay yeah I say explore it see how it works for you and uh embrace it don't feel bad okay I'll give it a try and then they're so happy so happy after that they just relax into it so I hope that in the future that uh that may happen with the the young men and young women right now who are waiting to pair bond in the wings who are who are growing into their own maybe they will find some methods that work for them regardless of liberal or conservative I hope that they will if you're a single parent and refuse to allow your kids to see the other parent just because that parent hurt your feelings you don't actually love your kids love is an action it is doing what is actually right for the other person regardless of what it costs you if you strip away a parent from your child an Irreplaceable Bond because of your feelings not for what the parent does to the other because of the child but because your feelings are hurt you don't love your child you love yourself and your own feelings Point Blank it's territorial and juvenile and immature and short-sighted and embarrassing and possessive of a child they are an object in your life designed to give you feelings they are not somebody that you are respecting the Dignity of and it's leverage as well it is over your right and it will teach it will teach your children to do the same back to you someday yeah that you are you are a chip to be Bartered with um I had this conversation last week talking about parents who struggle to get on board with productivity strategies or they they take offense at people talking about productivity strategies like morning routines and say stuff like um tell me that you don't have kids without telling me that you don't have kids um because you talk about some not even that elaborate but slightly elaborate 30 minute morning routine that you go through and what they're saying is I I have kids therefore I can't do this and Alex the dude I was speaking to was like well I hope that their kids never read that because if their kids read it what do they read they read wow mum and dad did you not get to fulfill your dreams because you had me was do you hate me was I not did I not make your life better are you bitter about the fact that you didn't get to do your morning routine and instead we had to play in bed together those attitudes come through and your interactions when they fight with you when they push back on you you don't respond you don't go online and complain about your kids and how your kids are holding you back from a good life and then be completely loving and compassionate and cooperative and build a great life with your kids that's just not how that split goes your attitude in one place reflects your attitude during stress and when you're gonna engage with them look I got four kids man there are there are times that are stressful when you have many kids and even if one kid and they throw tantrums and they pee on the floor and they throw blocks at your face and they say no I won't eat that no I don't want to go to bed and they will go to bed and then they will sneak out of bed four times in a row you could tell that this has happened um if you despise what you feel they have taken from you if you despise the sacrifices that that you need to make and if you let those sacrifices be everything in your life then you will not handle them well during those times of stress because you will unload on them and unload your frustrations on them during those times instead make sure that you are sacrificing the right things in the right ways and prioritizing my kids know I've I'm looking over there in uh in my office I've got a weight set over there my kids know hey I'm a daddy's gonna step away I'm gonna lift some weights daddy's gonna go do this I just hired a personal trainer I'm getting my Fitness on on track I got to do that um I gotta step away and take some meetings for personal trainers daddy you want why stay and play with me babe I have to get my health on track so Daddy can be with you for many many years to come and I explained that context to them build that and build that into your family so your kids will do it too that's what you do nice guy issues come from anxious attachment style he grew up afraid of his mother abandoning him so all he knows is how to earn goodbye points and approval to avoid abandonment that's never going to make any woman happy this is why nice guys finish last and you really liked that other tweet I did with the uh the werewolf and the happy puppy nice guys look really fluffy at first and then really vicious at the end of it when you reject them it's because they earn good boy points and they are supposed to be rewarded they do nice things for you expecting to be repaid and you have to figure out what they want it's usually sex you have to figure out what they want and do it for them or they will be furiously angry that you didn't reciprocate the way the rules say that you have to this is why nice guys finish last is because they just can't ask and they will come off as a jerk eventually you've seen this before I'm sure you have absolutely I mean there's a really great article by Vincent harinam about um the the social economics of simping and what he's talking about is that a man who is too pliable is kind of the same as a woman who gives up sex too easily but the thing you know if you presume that the the highest value thing that a woman can offer a man like Beyond commitment and love and like all of the actual like [ __ ] important stuff but like as a front face resources and Chastity right it's the trade largely that that is part of one of the main trades that gets made and a woman who gives up Chastity without commitment is people are skeptical of her and a man who gives up resources without sex in return people are also skeptical of him it's why I think there is an awful lot of social stigma around men who subscribe to only fans men who give gifts on Amazon gifts lists and stuff like that because what those men are doing is they're offering up something which was supposed to be gate Captain walled off for all men to like stand firm we are all one unit and if the women don't give us sex then they don't get our resources and what you have now is a man who is prepared to give up resources without sex in the same way as a woman who's prepared to give up sex without commitment gets criticized by a lot of women women who give up sex without commitment drive down the market price or the market value of sex to a level where all other women need to meet it if you are prepared to give up a [ __ ] on the first date and I want to wait until the third date I now need there's a price differential I now need to uh degrade my own uh price my own the value that I see my [ __ ] at down to that first date and the same thing occurs with men if in order for a man to give up his resources and be able to financially support a woman the woman needs to jump through a bunch of Hoops that keeps the value of resources High whereas and this is another one of the reasons I think that there is a particular amount of distaste from both men and women towards only fans uh creators that they see them as getting a free ride and they see them as capitalizing off the back of men who are overly pliable men aren't happy with either the men or the women because they look at the women and think well I'm never going to be able to get her because what can I offer her that 10 000 men all combined how can I come compete with ten thousand men's worth of resources and the women aren't aren't happy with her either because it seems like she's like she does a lot of intra sexual competition going on there so yeah the the um resources thing the overplayability of of men and it's fundamentally why simping doesn't work like you may let's take that even one step further is you know we're hunter-gatherers more than anything our brains haven't even caught up to the Neolithic Revolution and the ideas of surplus and anything so safety protection out in the world um let's take that let's take it one step further you're all your audience they love historical examples so let's talk about Vikings right the Danes a thousand years ago raiding up and down the coasts all over you the Britain all over the UK um the Danes if they sailed in you don't want to be married to the guy that when the Danes roll in they're like we demand women and he's like well okay here's my wife here's my daughter all right guys sorry like you have to go live with the Danes now you don't want that guy you want the guy who plants his flag and says this will never happen I'm going to die first me and all the other guys are going down to the beach to die for you guys so that hopefully we will drive the cost so high that they will leave if I don't see you again I love you bye-bye and he goes to die to protect his family that's simps are gonna be like oh man like well I'm really sorry I'm thinking of um also another historical example um there was a gentleman during the Holocaust that he sent his own wife and kids on the train knowing knowing what was going to happen to them he was sending people on the train he put his own wife and kids on the train when it was their turn didn't say anything just loaded them on the wife on the train and ship them away and after the war when they had the tribunals when they did everything they grab they found him they found him much later on in life and they brought him in and they put him up on trial and he said there is nothing you can do to me than is that is worse than me living with the memory of what I did to my wife and to my children but he that was that right there was a moment of why you don't marry a simp that is why women don't respect simps that's why they don't respect nice guys it's the more agreeable you are it's not just the agreeableness even it's the weaker you are for approval for safety you prioritize your own safety over actually taking a stand for your morals that's why Viking raids the Holocaust even all the way back to just raiding tribes in in hunter-gatherer times it's safety that's what women understand that's why they need to respect a man before they'll really sleep with a man long term Adam Lane Smith ladies and gentlemen Adam I love these episodes I always love bringing you back on why should people go if they want to keep up to date with all the stuff you're doing at the moment I am everywhere so my website's adamladesmith.com I've got my video course on there the attachment boot camp I have books I have coaching I have a community everything is on there I'm also on Twitter it's at the Prometheus I'm also on Instagram at attachment Adam and on YouTube at Adam Lane Smith I got 400 videos on there about improving your relationships hell yeah Adam I appreciate you thank you mate thank you bro 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