14 Stoic Lessons Marcus Aurelius Learned From His Father

How does a boy of aristocratic, but decidedly non-royal bloodlines become not just the most powerful man in the [music] world, not just the emperor of Rome, but become such a great man of history? How does this absolute power given to him at a relatively young age not make him awful? How does he manage not just to be corrupted by his privilege, and his fame, and his influence, but manage to prove himself worthy of the responsibility. It was his adopted father that made Marcus Aurelius the person that [music] he became. And we know this because at the end of his life, Marcus Aurelius sits down and writes what he learned [music] from Antoninus. And it's an impressive, beautiful, inspiring list, and that's what's going to be the through line of today's video. As I said, Marcus Aurelius is not born to be the emperor, but he catches the notice of Hadrian, then the emperor of Rome. But Hadrian, knowing that he doesn't have much time left, and thinking that Marcus Aurelius is too young, understands that he has to come up with a guardian to help and teach Marcus Aurelius what he needs [music] to learn. So, Hadrian adopts an older Roman senator named Antoninus Pius on the condition that he, in turn, adopt Marcus Aurelius. And it is this influence that is the foremost guide to Marcus Aurelius's great life. The first thing that Marcus Aurelius says he learned from Antoninus was compassion. And that's not a trait common with most Roman emperors, but it is, in fact, why Hadrian chose [music] Antoninus in the first place. We're told that Hadrian is looking out over the forum, and he watches [music] Antoninus help his elderly father-in-law up a flight of stairs. >> [music] >> And Hadrian is struck by the compassion, the kindness, the gentleness, and it's part of what makes him think that Antoninus could be the person to [music] do this unusual thing. And this would have been a particularly powerful image for the Romans because part of the the founding Roman myth involves Aeneas fleeing Troy carrying his father. I just take it to mean that that Antoninus had a good heart. It wasn't mean, he wasn't cruel, he wasn't aggressive, he wasn't domineering. There was still goodness and kindness in him. And we actually know of of Antoninus directing this towards Marcus [music] Aurelius specifically. Marcus Aurelius is crying. He's just been told that his favorite teacher has died. And one of the Stoic philosophers says to Marcus like, "We don't do that. That's that's not [music] That's not how this works. Like, get a hold of yourself." And Antoninus, overhearing this, intervenes. He says, "Let the boy be human for once. This empire doesn't [music] take away natural feeling." And so here is a moment of grace. He probably understood that Marcus Aurelius was ashamed and [music] embarrassed. He probably understood this is a young man going through something difficult. And here we have Antoninus [music] extending compassion and understanding and empathy. And what a powerful thing that was to give Marcus Aurelius in that specific example, but also to imbue in him as a future leader. Although Antoninus is not explicitly described as a philosopher, he is a lower-case P philosophical person. [music] He sees the big picture. He's calm and measured. And Marcus Aurelius says that Antoninus honors those who were true philosophers, and yet [music] he wasn't snooty and condescending or dismissive of those who pretended to be philosophers, [music] nor was he easily misled or intimidated by them. I think it's important that we see the study of philosophy as critical to the good life, and it's a pursuit that we have to undergo all of our lives. Musonius Rufus, the teacher of Epictetus, would say that every [music] king needs to be a philosopher, but every philosopher needs to be a kingly person. Ultimately, Antoninus was a kingly person and a philosophical [music] person, and it was that example that was incredibly powerful for Marcus Aurelius to see in action. That he was both reflective [music] and in the arena. We're told by Marcus Aurelius' biographer, Frank McLynn, that [music] Antoninus has a liberal attitude towards education. That he thought people should have a broad basis in the humanities, not [music] just masters of their disciplines, but also well versed in in politics, the problems of state. [music] So So Antoninus is is not a a bookworm, he's not a bookish nerd. He's not a pen [music] and ink philosopher. He's active and attentive to the world around him. When When Marcus Aurelius talks about throwing away his books [music] and and focusing on what's in front of him, focusing on being a good man, we can imagine that Antoninus is is sort of looking at him and going, "Hey, buddy, come focus on this. This is the important thing. I want you to see this." We We can imagine Antoninus being a [music] a pragmatic and realistic influence on Marcus Aurelius, showing him the world as it was, not as he [music] wanted it to be, and yet at the same time not being cynical and negative, >> [music] >> but being planted right here in reality. Antoninus was reflective, philosophical, and yet he was also decisive. We're told from Marcus that Antoninus has this remarkable and unwavering adherence to his decisions. Once he reached a decision, once he made a choice, [music] there was no hesitation, he took action. And this ability to to decide is really important. Emerson says, "We cannot spend the day in deliberation. Right? We have to make choices. A leader, a a father, an executive, and yes, even a philosopher and a teacher [music] has to be able to decide, has to be able to make hard decisions, not hem and haw, not be paralyzed, not get in their own [music] head, but make hard choices. Look, uh unfortunately, most leaders aren't humble. And the world would be better if they were a bit humbler. Uh while Hadrian was on his deathbed, he summons Antoninus [music] to come talk to him. Antoninus pushes back, right? He's not interested in superficial honors, we're told. He's not excited, he's not pumped for this. It wasn't something that he wanted. And we can imagine that that Hadrian seeing [music] this little bit of reluctance in Antoninus was the final confirmation that he made the right decision. Marcus Aurelius calls out Antoninus's restrictions on acclamations, [music] that he didn't like or want people to flatter him, he didn't want parades, he didn't want honors. He just didn't see this as making him better or more important [music] than anyone else. And Marcus Aurelius also points out his casual and self-effacing manner around his friends, [music] that he didn't want people treating him differently because of who he was. And we can imagine what a powerful [music] example this was for Marcus Aurelius, to see when he himself took that power, that it doesn't say anything about [music] you as a person, that ego is the enemy, that you are still a human being, that you shouldn't be stained purple, [music] as Marcus Aurelius says, by the power and position and wealth that you have. One of the things that Marcus Aurelius takes from Antoninus, that he could not have possibly taken from Hadrian was his open mind, right? His willingness [music] to be criticized or to change his mind. Marcus Aurelius liked the way that that [music] Antoninus would listen to anyone who could contribute to the public good. He would listen to people he disagreed with. He would listen to people who didn't like him. [music] He would listen to anyone who had a good idea. Now, Hadrian on the other hand was famous for bullying people into agreeing with him, >> [music] >> to not criticizing him, to even uh falling prey to his reality distortion field. There's a famous exchange between Hadrian and [music] one of his advisors uh where the advisor admits that Hadrian is right even though he's [music] not. And when a friend says, "Why'd you do that?" the man says, "Ah, I think you forget. The person who controls 50 legions is [music] always correct." This is not how Antoninus thinks about being emperor, and it's a lesson he passes on to Marcus Aurelius to be humble, [music] yes, and then to keep an open mind, and to learn from anyone who can teach you. There were some Roman emperors that were lazy, that were entitled, um that basically didn't do the job. Tiberius retreats to this pleasure palace on [music] an island. Nero preferred reciting poetry and only the fun and glamorous parts of the job. But Antoninus, we're told that that he manages his his food and fluid intake so he'd have to spend less time exercising, less time on bathroom breaks. He He wanted to be focused. He wanted [music] to be in tip-top shape. He wanted to be in service of the empire. He wanted to be able to physically and mentally do the job. And when Marcus Aurelius talks about rising early, working hard, uh doing what his nature demands, >> [music] >> that that work ethic is something he saw reflected in [music] Antoninus for for for two decades. And this is so easy for hard working people to do. Antoninus [music] doesn't neglect his his health. He doesn't abuse himself. So, basically, by by eating healthy and taking good care of himself, he was setting himself up for >> [music] >> success. He was taking good care of himself, so people wouldn't have to take care of him. It's a terribly inefficient shortcut [music] that we take. We neglect sleep. We neglect taking care of ourselves. We neglect going to the doctor or the dentist because we don't have the time. And what this [music] does is create problems that ultimately take a lot of time from us. Hey, it's Ryan. I'm on the road right now doing talks all over the country. I love traveling. I love going to new places. The thing I don't like about it, though, is I don't get to sleep in my bed at home, which I like not just cuz it's home, but because I have an Eight Sleep on my bed. I love it. My wife loves it. You can have different sides cooled at different temperatures. It's even how I wake up in the morning. Instead of an annoying alarm clock or that, you know, horrible sound on your phone, it lightly buzzes you awake. And then when you're up, you want to turn it off, you just tap the mattress. There's all sorts of awesome features in my Eight Sleep. It was worth every penny. [music] I love it. You can use the code dailystoic at eightsleep.com/dailystoic [music] right now for up to $500 off. And this 4th of July sale ends on July 12th, so don't wait. And if you have an HSA or an FSA, some Eight Sleep stuff qualifies for that as well through Truemed, and qualified customers save about 30% on average. Check your eligibility at truemed.com/eightsleep before you buy. Truemed is for qualified customers. HSA and FSA tax savings may vary. Probably more than Marcus Aurelius, Antoninus was a a people person. And we can imagine that's not an easy thing to do when you have the power of life and death >> [music] >> over other people. But Antoninus took this seriously. He didn't want things to change between him and his friends. He didn't want people to be intimidated [music] by him. He didn't want his power and success to come at the expense of relationships. >> [music] >> And these relationships are work. And it's work that philosophers didn't do often enough. And I think [music] we can see in Marcus Aurelius learning from Antoninus the importance of being social, of being kind. But actually the very first thing that Marcus Aurelius [music] says that he learns from Antoninus when he mentions it in Meditations, that Antoninus never exhibited rudeness, lost control [music] of himself, or turned violent. That he never expected his friends to keep him entertained at dinner or to travel with him. And that anyone who had to stay behind to take care of something always found him the same when he returned. Despite all of Antoninus's success and influence, he didn't just remain humble. It didn't corrupt him. It didn't go to his head. And I mean this in both senses. One, there's an exchange we have about Antoninus and his wife. His wife is sort of marveling at how powerful and important they've become. And Antoninus says, "Actually, it's the opposite. We've now lost all of our success and wealth." He was saying like, "This belongs to the Roman people now." He was saying, "We have to be beyond reproach. We can't indulge ourselves. We can't be reckless." Not only was Antoninus not into big, you know, sort of aggrandizing, flattering, sycophancy, but he tried to be a good steward of the budget. Like he he tried to understand that there were more important things than his ego. He Marcus Aurelius says that he admired the way that Antoninus kept public actions within reasonable bounds, games, building projects, distributions of money, and so on. And that he looked to what needed doing >> [music] >> and not the credit to be gained from doing it. He wasn't slapping his name on buildings. He wasn't asking people to make art dedicated to him. It wasn't about him because he knew he [music] wasn't special. And he knew that that having statues and parades, it didn't reflect on you who you were, what you did is what reflected on you. When Marcus Aurelius says, "Self-reliance always." He was thinking of Antoninus' [music] simple and straightforward and no-nonsense attitude and approach. I think Marcus Aurelius describes this quite well when he says that you could have said of him as they say of Socrates that [music] Antoninus knew how to enjoy and abstain from the things that most people find it hard to abstain from and all too easy to enjoy. He had strength, perseverance, and self-control in both areas, the mark of a soul in readiness, indomitable. And that Marcus says, "When he had nice things, and it was appropriate, he enjoyed them. And when he didn't have them, he didn't miss them." And this kind of humility and straightforwardness is something that Marcus Aurelius tries to model his life When a plague hits Rome, and Rome is devastated and overwhelmed, when Rome had financial problems or military problems, who did Marcus Aurelius turn to? He turned to the experts, turned to his advisers, and he learns this from Antoninus. As Marcus Aurelius says, "He had a single-mindedness, and he was never content with first impressions, and he never broke off the discussion prematurely." He knew that he had to balance this expert advice against competing experts, he had to ask probing questions. It was his job to find out what really mattered, what was really the best course of action. And again, this is very different than the emperors who thought they were anointed by or ordained by God, that every thought they had in their head was genius or brilliant or obviously right, and who intimidated other people into telling them what they wanted to hear. What Antoninus did that that far too few leaders do is he took responsibility. Said, "Hey, the buck stops with me." He stepped up. He saw that leadership was a responsibility. It was [music] a burden. Right? That's what Marcus Aurelius says he learns from Antoninus. A willingness to take responsibility and blame for the empire's needs, for the treasury. [music] He didn't think that this was the future's problem or that the this was to be blamed on the past. He said, "Hey, I'm in charge right now. This is my job. I'm going to do [music] my best." And that really inspires Marcus. And it's always good to see people in [music] positions of responsibility being responsible. Right? Because if they don't take responsibility, if they don't take ownership, they are being, by definition, irresponsible. Marcus Aurelius has a temper, but he knows he has a temper and he's working on controlling it. And we know he learns this from Antoninus because he definitely didn't learn it from Hadrian. There's a story about Hadrian getting so mad at one of his secretaries, he stabs the man in the [music] eye. Antoninus, we have no stories of him doing anything like that. We have no cruelty, we have no sadism, we have none of the things that, unfortunately, characterize so many the actions and anecdotes about the Roman emperors. And instead, in Antoninus and in Marcus Aurelius, you have people struggling to maintain their self-control, their self-command, because the stakes are really high. Seeing Antoninus be so self-controlled, not flying into these rages, it gives him a sense that that actually is the most impressive thing. Marcus Aurelius says, "When you lose your temper, realize that there's nothing manly about this." Marcus Aurelius mentions offhandedly like some [music] exchange with a customs agent in some part of the Roman Empire. We don't know exactly what happened, but it probably the guy was a jerk or the guy didn't treat the emperor with enough respect. This could have been a death sentence for a person like that, but not under Antoninus. Marcus Aurelius says that the way he accepted [music] the customs agent's apology. That's all we know about it. Right? So, not only did he not get angry, but he was forgiving and he was [music] patient and he understood that people are human and people make mistakes. One of the things that Marcus learns from Antoninus is a respect for the old ways, what they the call the mos maiorum, right? Traditional values. You know, he respects tradition, he respects virtue. He wasn't radically progressive or radically disruptive. He wasn't radical in any way and yet what Marcus Aurelius admires about Antoninus is that for all this lowercase C conservatism, he was still compassionate, he was still kind, he was still open and flexible and he wasn't obnoxious and retrograde. Antoninus respected tradition without needing to constantly congratulate himself for safeguarding our traditional values. Right? He wasn't some Fox News dad. He wasn't some "Oh, the kids these days." He respected tradition and traditional values and yet he wasn't judgemental, he hadn't hardened his heart um and he was open-minded and flexible, which is a really important trait. We know that Marcus Aurelius hated lying, he hated hypocrisy, he hated uh people who said one thing and lived differently. And and what he loved about Antoninus is is that what you saw with Antoninus was what you got. He had so few secrets that that the only secrets he had were state secrets and even then not many of them. That he was transparent, that he was open, that if if people could have seen what was going on in the palace, they wouldn't have been horrified. They wouldn't have been angry. [music] It wouldn't have undermined his legacy. Not virtue signaling, but being virtuous. And and Antoninus [music] in being both a powerful and important leader and a good person, that that this wasn't a contradiction in terms, was really meaningful for Marcus Aurelius. And it's one of the most powerful lessons that parents [music] can show their kids that that they aren't just paying lip service to these ideas, that they really believe them, they really matter, and they really are putting them into practice. And that the kids can, too. Although Antoninus had a lot of power and ruled over a large empire, what struck Marcus Aurelius most was how much Antoninus was under his own power, how he governed himself first and foremost. No one ever saw him sweat. Everything was to be approached logically and with due consideration in a calm and orderly fashion, decisively and with no loose [music] ends. When Seneca says that no one is fit to rule who is not first master of themselves, that's what Marcus learns from Antoninus. So, Marcus Aurelius is given the gift of Antoninus, not just for a short period >> [music] >> as Hadrian had probably expected it to go, life expectancy then not [music] being super long. But Marcus Aurelius is able to learn and serve underneath for over 20 years. [music] So, he gets to see this in action, he gets to learn a lot from him. They have a a long relationship, much longer than Marcus Aurelius's [music] actual relationship with his father, who died when Marcus was quite young. He mentions Antoninus in the beginning of Meditations, and then it is in book six, 30, uh where Marcus Aurelius is talking about escaping the corruption of power, being dyed purple, being imperialized, [music] and how the the purpose of this existence is to have an unstained character and to be an unselfish [music] person. And And he says that Antoninus is his model in doing this. And I thought I'd wrap up on this Father's Day video >> [music] >> um with what he said he learned from Antoninus cuz it's worth just putting down for the record one more time. He says, "Take Antoninus as your model always. His energy in doing what was rational, his steadiness in any situation, his sense of reverence, his calm expression, his gentleness, his modesty, [music] his eagerness to grasp things. How he never let things go before he was sure he had examined them thoroughly, understood them perfectly. The way he put up with unfair criticisms without returning it. How he couldn't be hurried. How he wouldn't listen to informers. How reliable he was as a judge of character and of actions. Not prone to backbiting or cowardice or jealousy or [music] empty rhetoric. Content with the basics in living quarters and bedding and clothes and food [music] and servants. How hard he worked. How much he put up with. His ability to work straight through till dusk. His constancy and reliability as a friend. His tolerance of people who openly questioned [music] his views and his delight at seeing his ideas improved upon. His piety. Antoninus pious. Without a trace [music] of superstition. And he says that if you can live like that, >> [music] >> when your time comes, your conscience will be as clear as his." What a great gift Antoninus [music] was to Marcus Aurelius and a great gift both of their examples are to us that we can pass on >> [music] >> to our own children. When my first son was born, I was looking for a place where dads could talk, where we could share the wins and [music] the losses, talk about what's to come and also commiserate about the hard days. and I couldn't find it for the same reasons that you probably haven't been able to find it cuz it doesn't exist. So, I spent the last couple years building it. And now we're making something new called Daily Dad Society and it's not a lecture hall. The idea is that it's more like a campfire circle where every month we dive into recommendations, tips, you get stuff that we like that we've tested here at Daily Dad, stories, studies, screw-ups. We would love to have you join us. You can do that if you sign up right now at dailydad.com/society. I know that I needed this and I'm really excited to share it with you. If you want to be part of a circle of dads that show up for their kids and each other, I hope you join us today. I'd love to see you at dailydad.com/society.